Friday, March 31, 2006

Sunny And Succulent San Diego

5:46pm- Plane crash on way to San Diego to celebrate 5 year anniversary with boyfriend.

8:01pm- Shaving legs as special anniversary gift to boyfriend. Knick strange bulging vein behind knee. Psycho shower scene flashbacks.

8:12pm- Sucked into toilet due to violently powerful flush at La Pensione Hotel. Hey, isn’t saying La Pensione Hotel like saying ATM Machine?

8:30pm- Elated to be object of attention for parade of Brazilian men carrying succulent meats on oversized skewers at Rei do Gado (a delightful restaurant in Gaslamp District). Bacon-Wrapped Filet Mignon. Skirt Steak. Bacon-Wrapped Turkey Medallions. Lamb Shank. Bacon-Wrapped Bacon. Cheesy Chicken(!) Pork Sausages. Eat my fill and then some, break out into sweat, clutch chest, keel over.

10:04pm- Pissed off to not be able to park rental car ANYWHERE in San Diego without it being hassle, decide to drop car back off mere two hours after pickup. Boyfriend accidentally backs over me in rental lot causing severe tire damage and death.

11:56pm- While raising hands in stretch over head before bedtime, arms caught up in ceiling fan blades. I am spun around and around and around until neck breaks.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Oh, How It Burns

6:48pm- Car peels out in front of me on San Bruno Ave. Thinking nothing of it, I continue my errand to the gas station. Lo and behold, another car comes speeding out from side street behind me. Confuses me for first car and opens fire.

6:54pm- While pumping gas, nozzle is knocked out of tank spraying gasoline in my eyes. Not as fun as it looked in “Zoolander.”

8:23pm- Every time I go to Secret Studios for band practice I walk past a staircase that makes it look like someone is lurking at the top. This time it’s true. A studio ninja hops over partition plunging wakizashi into chest cavity.

9:10pm- During practice very large and heavy speaker falls down from its perch atop makeshift shelving onto head.

10:12pm- While driving home from band practice, I mistake my hoodie for a spider and careen off road trying to keep it from crawling around my neck.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Pat Roberson Made Me Die

11:13am- Am called in to serve on jury for man accused of murdering a 2-year-old boy and father. Somehow during proceedings evidence starts to point to me as the criminal. I am convicted and sentenced to death by firing squad.

2:13 pm- Fail to wash hands after day of jury duty. Come home and eat bowl of chili. Ingest so many germs body actually contemplates just laughing it off. Then changes mind.

2: 22pm- Curious and without much other choice, I flip channel to 700 Club. See Pat Robertson discussing TIA (transient ischemic attack) stroke prevention with some crackpot doctor hawking book about drinking collard greens and blueberry extract. Without aid of greens and berry ingredients, have immediate TIA stroke and die.

2:23pm- Right after stroke, see commercial for upcoming show called “My Skin Could Kill Me.” I glance down at hands from where I hear maniacal laughter erupting. Not sure how I die actually, but definitely know what killed me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Chili Today, Hot Tamale

3:13pm- Sodium chloride overdose. Spent $80 on gourmet salts from Coastal Goods, fine purveyors of specialty sea salts, international herb blends, fine peppers, and organic spices. I know, spending money like that on something like salt is just asking for it.

6:12pm- While cooking a mixture of spicy sausage, ground buffalo, and beef stew meat to make delicious chili, overwhelming pool of grease starts to boil and splatter. Face melted like bad guys at the end of Indiana Jones — Raiders of the Lost Ark.

8:17pm- Salmonella. From handling of said meat in raw form.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

House Cleaning Casualties

1:02am- After a delicious chicken and asparagus dinner and too much champagne at friend’s house in Oakland, fall asleep during drive home. Luckily, boyfriend is driving. Unluckily, he falls asleep too.

1:21am- Caught unaware, am overcome by noxious asparagus pee fumes. Pass out and hit head on bathroom sink.

9:55am- During scrupulous spring house clean, dislodge speck of dust that turns out to be rare viral spore. Causes indescribably unpleasant ebola-like symptoms.

1:02pm- It’s me and a bottle of Fantastik all-purpose cleaner. Trapped. In poorly ventilated room. For hours.

1:06pm- What happens when you mix Fantastik and gas stove fumes? If you guessed “big boom,” you’re invited to speak at my funeral.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

British Airways Non-Stop Frustration

1:53pm- Suffer aneurism at British Airways counter at San Francisco International Airport while trying to buy tickets to South Africa. Extremely unhelpful British Airways representative, Penelope Bowles, and her bad dye job elevate my blood pressure to immeasurable heights. The worst part? She was American and so did not have charming accent that might have saved my life.

2:32pm- While voiding bladder in international terminal’s airport bathroom, am exposed to bird flu virus. Am excited for notoriety of being first US case, but fail to live long enough to make it on Good Morning America or Larry King Live.

4:14pm- Starve to death at SFO airport short-term parking facility after futilely searching floor after floor for car. Even try to stalk prey for sustenance, but turn out to be lousy hunter. Body found by security vehicle shortly after demise.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, March 24, 2006

And The Band Played On

11: 56pm- Electrocuted while grabbing ungrounded mike during show at Knockout Bar. Was trying to gauge desire of audience to hear faster tunes. Turns out they were just as content to watch me die.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Death, Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

7:33am- Woke up with heart pain. Slow languid heart attack. Quite nice, actually.

7:35am- Tried turning around to get at tantalizing blackhead on shoulder blade. Forced to contort head so far that pressure caused both eyeballs to burst from sockets.

7:38am- Realized too late that toenail polish applied December 23rd of last year had eaten away at nail bed and resulting in nasty blood infection.

7:39am- Exposed moist bristles of toothbrush prove to be attractive landing place for multitudinous bathroom germs. Timeline from ingestion to death extremely short.

7:40am- Mysterious forearm bruise can only mean one thing, lymphoma.

7:41am- Push Q-tip too far into ear causing cochlear imbalance. Fall down stairs.

7:44am- Dry, flakey patch of skin on lower left leg can only mean one thing, skin cancer.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Snakes Alive!

12:12pm- Bitten by venomous snake belt. Actually, what I thought was poisonous snake slithering across living room floor turns out to be haphazardly discarded leather belt. But still!

1:44pm- While driving on Bay Bridge, spot woman wearing headscarf driving strangely-shaped dark van filled with explosives. Get pissed at 9/11 attackers and Bush administration for causing me to jump to stereotypical conclusions. In spite of attempt to purge thoughts from brain, am blown up halfway across bridge.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Don't Worry, I Stopped the War

12:15pm- Tear-gassed by rogue cop at anti-war protest out to “make example of liberal scum.” Cartridge hits me square in temple. Enterprising amateur documentarian captures scene winning Oscar and helping to change course of war. Guess this one was worth it. Sort of.

2:33pm- Post-protest cheese steak-induced heart attack. This one also sort of worth it. Thanks kindly, Burger Meister.

3:43pm- Anarchist book fair dissolves into anarchy. Caught in middle of fight between biodiesel spoken word poet and raging granny.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, March 17, 2006

It's a Real Gusher

8:15am- Stress. Lack of sleep. Must ask boss for month off to travel to Africa. Before I can ask, pressure in brain causes spectacular explosion. Could have charged viewing fee if only gray matter came in array of colors.

9:04am- My poor arterial walls get no rest today. The relief of finally asking for time off causes blood pressure to drop too suddenly. Heart stops pumping.

7:11pm- Forced to wait for answer to Africa request. Anticipation leads me to debaucherous St. Patty’s Day party where I drown sorrows in J├Ągermeister shots. Would have become San Francisco General's blood alcohol level record holder had I lived.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Glass Menagerie

12:33pm- Eating cup of chili from Soup Freaks supposedly made with Scharffenberger chocolate as special secret ingredient. Special ingredient instead turns out to be shards of glass. Initially goes down smooth, but then doesn't come back up same way.

6:17pm- After long hard day, have mental breakdown and am transported off to insane asylum where I meet Angelina Jolie's character from Girl Interrupted. She shivs me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Step On Up, Don't Be Shy

3:54pm- Hydroplane across 101-N while on way to get manicure with friend.

6:12pm- Hydroplane across 101-S while on way home from seeing friend, but not having gotten manicures because place was fully booked. Car rolls and thankfully it takes 10 minutes for me to perish giving me enough time to enjoy a few fingers-full of my takeout dinner of beef tibs from Axum Cafe. Think about using injera bread to sop up bleeding, but am too hungry for the sacrifice.

7:03pm- While putting finishing touches on bedroom shelving decor, step stool gives way. Impaled on metal step stool frame while holding Virgin Mary light switch plate.

7:15pm- Returning tools to garage. As I turn on light, mugger attacks and clubs me with oversized flashlight.

7:37pm- Predictably, while placing upon my bookshelf a fascinating book about 1906 San Francisco earthquake called "A Crack in the Edge of the World" by Simon Winchester, earthquake hits causing hefty IKEA Billy bookcase to crush me. Even still, I highly recommend it.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Primer Is My Favorite Color

12:22pm- While helping friend paint living room, forget to open windows. Suffocate on paint fumes.

12:57pm- Fall from ladder.

12:58pm- Fall from ladder.

12:59pm- Fall from ladder.

1:01pm- Paint splatters in eye. Turn instantly dumb from lead. Go blind. Jump out 2nd story window like Helen Hunt after her use of Angel Dust in after-school special.

1:04pm- Fall from ladder.

5:15pm- Exhuasted from day of actual physical labor, fall into bed for nap. Wake up unable to move limbs. Starve to death before boyfriend can return from weekend in Seattle.

7:01pm- While shredding financial statements in much-cherished paper shredding device, fill basket too full. Motor screeches, refusing to turn off no matter which way I flip switch. Before I can unplug, shredder catches shreds on fire. Burned over 97% of body.

7:04pm- Beloved paper shredding machine exacts revenge on me by tearing off fingers. Pass out. Bleed out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Flame-Broiled

6:16pm- While waiting to return toilet auger to Sears (don't fear, I bought two and was returning the one I didn't use), sign above customer service desk falls and crushes me.

6:32pm- After waiting in unusually long customer service line, get to front only to have representative tell me I must return tool in tool department. Although I found her to be exceptionally friendly to other customers during my wait, am forced to throttle her with auger. 5 years later after exhausting all appeals, am put to death by lethal injection. Her family members and two reporters look on.

8:39pm- While broiling very delicious-looking steak rubbed with sea salt and crushed peppercorns, flames from gas broiler catch steak grease on fire. Unaware in living room, flames consume kitchen and stairwell blocking my escape.

9:09pm- Steak-induced heart attack.

Other than that, pretty good day.