How I Died Today

In A State Of Suspended Animation

2007-06-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

10:02am- Decide to put "howidiedtoday" on hiatus due to fact that I am guiltily obsessed with my new blog called Travel Betty. Since travel is my ultimate passion and I have been doing a lot of it lately, figure I can share insight with like-minded independent travelers. (readers so inclined can find me at www.travel-betty.com)

11:16am- Make peace with self for hiatus decision because this blog started out of need to overcome anxiety disorder and now I feel about 50% better (thanks mostly to reader support and ability to turn fears into humor).

12:12pm- Envision creating self-published book entitled "How I Died Today: A Year In Review" complete with deliciously devilish photographs as soon as I figure out how to use my camera a little better.

2:30pm- Feel grateful for all the people who have been reading howidiedtoday all this time. Whenever I felt like throwing in the towel in the past (or throttling self with it), seeing that sitemeter counter clicking and reading your comments really kept me going. Thanks a lot!

Other than that, pretty good day.

Obelisk Obscenity

2007-04-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

11:32am- Boyfriend must drag me kicking and screaming from M.S. Eugenie. Don’t want to leave behind such a beautiful ship. Don’t want to leave behind the gun-toting tourist police with their adorable blue and white sailor costumes. And I certainly don’t want to leave behind my daiquiris. At last minute, escape boyfriend's grasp but the force sends me flying right into water. Hit head on bow and drown.

11:45am- New tour guide, Emad, picks us up and drives us to explore High Dam. Notice small stress fracture on side of dam wall. Grows bigger as I make run for it. Never was swift runner.

1:01pm- On way to Aswan, Emad then takes us to see Unfinished Obelisk. Make boyfriend pose so looks like obelisk is penis. He is not amused. I am, uproariously so. Suspicious, guard confiscates camera, sees picture and executes me on the spot.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Don’t Forget To Knock

2007-04-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

10:10am- Time aboard M.S. Eugenie is almost coming to end and I am sad. Mostly because I have yet to use the ship’s Turkish bath, or even see it for that matter. Decide to remedy the situation. Find its location and bust open door revealing half-naked ship’s doctor. Embarrassed, fall backwards and hit head on door jam. Even doctor’s skillful hands cannot put cranium back together again.

12:30pm- Gorge self on delicious food. Perf stomach lining. Return to buffet line for more.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sailing Takes Me Away

2007-04-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

9:14am- Sail on to the Tomb of Penout. Reconstructed in a new location after the High Dam was built to flood the Nile and create Lake Nasser. Everything transferred except the bodies. Tomb guardian informs me they are looking for new bodies and I am prime candidate.

7:30pm- Fancy dinner about M.S. Eugenie. Tonight is set menu featuring fish. Of course I don’t eat fish, so request alternate dish. The waiter says it will be no problem and it isn’t. That's just the kind of service they provide here. Regardless, end up chocking on giant piece of steak improperly chewed.

9:04pm- Go up to top deck to gaze at stars. The millions of twinkling lights appear to be falling down on top of me. And so they are. Sucked into black hole.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Hardships Of A Lake Nasser Cruise

2007-04-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

4:44am- Wake up at ass-crack of dawn to see sunrise over Abu Simbel temples. In pitch blackness, am ushered into dinghy to be taken ashore. Unable to see, slip on dinghy bow and plunge into the drink where I am again eaten by crocodile-shaped bread loaf with toothpick teeth.

5:56am- Unspectacular sunrise diffuses rays through scattered cloud cover. Kick small pile of rocks in frustration. Rocks turn out to be family of scorpions even madder than me for being up this early.

12:34pm- Relax on boat. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax in cabin. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax on sundeck. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Fall asleep on sundeck. Sunstroke.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Complaints

2007-04-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

11:39am- Board M.S. Eugenie for magical cruise across Lake Nasser. Check into room and walk out onto private balcony, slip and fall overboard.

7:41pm- Tinkling dinner bell rung to alert us that sumptuous feast is now available. Like Pavlov’s dog, hurry out of cabin letting nose guide me to the location. Once there I am awed by the selection of food, as well as the presentation. Mountains of fresh, colorful vegetables. Spits of roast meats. There are even loaves of bread shaped like crocodiles with toothpicks for teeth. These prove to be even more realistic than originally thought.

8:08pm- Boat docks so that we have view of lighted Abu Simbel temples while we eat. Die and go to heaven.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Abu Simbel Airport Carousel Hell

2007-04-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

5:01am- Holy crap! First flight on Egypt Air. Haven’t even taken off yet and am already in trouble. As we taxi down runway, plane jostles from side to side with such force that entire overhead compartment is shaken loose. Crushed by my own carry-on bag.

8:33am- Land in Abu Simbel. Aside from Great Pyramids, this is structure I have most dreamed of seeing. Of course before we even collect our bags, cuff of my khaki pant leg gets caught up in the baggage carousel. Pulled back around through those creepy plastic flaps to what I have always feared lives on the other side of them: lions!

4:17pm- Finally make way over to temple after sleeping through most of day. Enter the Great Temple at Abu Simbel. For two minutes, am only visitor inside vast complex. Pretend I am pharaoh. Wave to subjects and walk around haughtily. Real pharaoh shows his displeasure by crushing me under granite column.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Shopping Hazardous To Health

2007-04-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

2:44pm- After a pleasant morning spent bopping around Coptic Cairo (the Christian section), even visiting a cave under a church where the Virgin Mary and her son, the baby Jesus allegedly spent some time, find out that guided tour through the famously crazy-assed Khan el-Khalili market is no longer going to be guided. Thrust into the chaos alone with only wit and a camera, am immediately swallowed up by crowd and shat back out other side.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Artifact Attack

2007-04-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

10:02am- The Cairo Museum, although filled with vast amounts of delightful treasures and mummies, is a complete madhouse! Try squeezing way in to see the various pieces encased in glass, but am thwarted by thick bands of Japanese and Italian tourists. Feeling huffy, I push past an old lady with perhaps a bit too much vigor. She turns and swats me in the head with bag filled with newly purchased alabaster vases. Blood splatters upon the deftly chiseled faces of bygone pharaohs.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Worship While You Walk

2007-04-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

11:13am- Spend a delightful day around Islamic Cairo. Visit my first mosque and then my second and third. They are all beautiful and serene, but like churches, start to blend together after a while. The call to prayer is strange and exciting. Listening to it, I fall into a trance which leads me to believe (incorrectly) that I can cross a Cairene roadway without getting run over.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Pharaoh’s Curse

2007-04-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

9:04am- Get my ticket to climb up into Great Pyramid and head towards the tiny hole acting as door. Halfway up steeply inclined walkway, bent over and wedged in with a hundred other tourists, I lose my footing. This causes a pandemonium within the tiny passageway. Kicked, punched, stepped on. Am finally trampled to death by German.

8:14pm- Dressed in same clothes I traveled in for two days thanks to baggage mishandling in Paris. Wear underwear inside out desperate for some semblance of cleanliness. All for naught. By end of day after being forced to use toilets lacking paper, have contracted lethal vaginal infection.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Little Bladder In Big City

2007-04-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

7:17pm- Land in Cairo sans luggage. Decide I don’t need to stop in bathroom before being driven through city filled with massive traffic, donkey carts and speed bumps. Drive takes much much longer than anticipated. Septic shock.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Joke

2007-04-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's already time for me to start dying in Egypt. For the next 5 weeks I will surely be ingesting Nile parasites and accidentally skewering myself on kabobs. Fear not, I shall keep detailed notes from the trip and will report back all the gory details in May. Until then, keep your fingers out of light sockets.

Until death do us part...

That Was No Hound Dog

2007-03-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

8:44pm- Open garage door, but dawdle around first before getting in car to leave for work. Neighbor with dog walks by and peeks in. Spotting my highly coveted Elvis bust, his eyes widen with jealousy. No time to run before rabid dog released from leash.

12:34pm- On way to job interview, sweat through freshly laundered shirt. So dehydrated, collapse to ground one block from destination.

Other than that, pretty good day.

In The Clink

2007-03-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

5:12pm- Find self in one of the finest police stations in all of San Francisco. They call it the Hall of Justice. I call it the Hall of Crazy Mutherfuckers. Of course I do that out loud which incites one of the crazys to charge at me with a whittled stick and an imaginary crossbow.

5:33pm- Denying my feminist heritage, flirt shamelessly with cute cop in order to curry favor in the ‘identity theft resolution’ department. We speak via telephone with a bulletproof glass partition between us, just like in the movies, except somehow now I am the prisoner and he is here to tell me that the governor has denied me my stay of execution. Dead man walking.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Revelation Too Late

2007-03-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

7:13pm- Decide corned beef is the string cheese of meat. Translation: highly chokeable.

Other than that, pretty good day.

You're Getting Freaky

2007-03-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

10:02am- In order to deal with my generalized, yet debilitating anxiety disorder, fucking asshole losers trying to steal my identity and an IRS notification of gross underpayment of 2005 taxes, visit hypnotist on the recommendation of dear friend. Hypnotherapist uses soothing voice to count me down and relax me into desired state. Then she tells me I am so relaxed with eyes so heavy they will no longer work. She asks me to try to open them. I cannot. Freak the fuck out. Then regressed childhood memory of Freddy Kreuger enters this dreamstate and slices me to bits. So much for alternative healing.

11:02am- After alerting hypnotherapist of anxiety about working through my anxiety, she is able to calm me back down. By end of session, feel so euphoric, alive and optimistic that it just figures I’d walk outside and caught in rival gang crossfire.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Let Me Out Of Here

2007-03-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

5:24pm- Trapped in car with own odiferous burp.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Speak, I Command You

2007-03-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

11:02am- Get unsuspecting focus group participant to say the name Larry Halpsberg during website utilization study. Having made name up, find this absolutely hilarious as I munch M&Ms behind one-way glass. Drunk on power. Autopsy concludes Blood-Power-Level 5 times legal limit.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Fall To Your Knees And Pray You'll Live

2007-02-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

9:49pm- Meet friend for drinks after work. Have delightful conversation and then drive her home. She invites me in to see newly decorated house. While crossing street, trip over the smallest of pavement cracks. Knees bruised. Shins scrapped. Wrist tweaked. Only had one drink, dammit! Tiny pebble lodged in hand causes crazy infection and blood poisoning.

Other than that, pretty good day.

When I Dip, You Dip, We Dip

2007-02-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

8:19pm- Treat self to another series of spa treatments at Burke Williams Spa (previously mentioned buy-one-get-one coupons good for 2 visits). During paraffin dip portion of pedicure look down to note that wax-covered right foot appears cadaverous. Glance left, toe tag.

Other than that, pretty good day.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby

2007-02-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

9:44am- Discover we are going to be overstaying standard tourist visa by 3 days while in Egypt. Decide to call consulate to see if we can get extended visa before departure. Even though I call on Saturday, man answers straight away. I like. Then we get in ridiculous conversation that swirls around and around without resolution. Dizzy, I trip over own feet and crash down stairs, neck broken.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Stuck Pig

2007-02-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

8:19pm- Go to JC Penny’s to help boyfriend pick out suits for upcoming business trip to England. Every god-living shirt has like 92 bazilion straight pins secretly tucked inside just waiting to pierce my flesh. I come out of dressing room looking as if attacked by mass-murdering acupuncturist.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sorry Again, Fans

2007-02-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

11:10am- Quit band. Immediately become uncool, unpopular, and unlovable. MC Hammer comes to read me last rites.

4:15pm- In a hurry to do good job, maintenance worker runs me over with giant cart of tools while I wait for elevator at work.

7:10pm- Having postponed Valentine’s plans with boyfriend in order to be good friend to girls I love, head out to dinner. Get caught in unexpected traffic on Embarcadero. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Inch forward at snail’s pace. Clutch foot grows weary. Blood boils.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Et Tu, Beauty?

2007-02-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

11:02am- Procure buy-one-get-one free coupon for treatments at Burke Williams Spa. Due to unforeseen circumstances, friend must cancel her treatment putting my own in jeopardy. Panic. Envision death of my simple dream, which is to have body rubbed with hot stones and various health-enhancing unguents. When you dreams die, what is there left to live for?

2:02pm- Am alerted to the untimely demise of feminist and role model, Anna Nicole Smith. Die of shock!

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sorry, Fans

2007-02-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

8:12am- Find out our mighty awesome band didn’t get into SXSW Music Festival. Crestfallen. Drooping chest and head cuts off air supply.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Bring Out Your Dead

2007-02-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

4:12am- Carrot Top! Your grotesque Eric-Stoltz-in-Mask-like countenance haunts my nightmares. You have driven me to early grave!

9:01am- Wake up with what feels like hatchet cleaved between lobes of brain. Decide must just be hangover, but then notice pool of blood and wooden handle protruding from forehead.

11:12am- Graciously treated to buffet breakfast by friend of friend who won $1000. Unfortunately, it is Excalibur’s Buffet Breakfast which basically consists of slop buckets of gruel leftover from Middle Ages. Immune system fails to fight off time traveling parasites and microbes. Wooden card wheeled out to collect my putrefying remains.

11:30am- Ride the Luxor’s Inclinator one last time. It’s herky-jerky sideways motion causes me to lose footing and be trampled in stampede of people in hurry to checkout of hotel.

12:14pm- Enter the reconstructed burial place of Tutankhamen at Luxor Hotel & Casino. Mistaken for tomb raider and shot dead on the spot.

12:39pm- Discover a Little Caesar’s Pizza inside Luxor. Did anyone know those even still exist? Obviously, must order Crazy Bread with Crazy Sauce. The double whammy causes instant insanity. Scratch face down to bone. Onlookers horrified.

12:41pm- Am forced to listen to same clip of Artie-fucking-Lange promo over and over while enjoying aforementioned snack. Finally snap, bum-rush television screen and punch it with both fists. Lacerations so extensive, no doctor can staunch blood flow.

4:04pm- Determined to ignore any and all Super Bowl activities, am dragged against will to Sports Book at Mandalay Bay to meet up with boyfriend’s friends. After calling out, “why don’t you people all get a life?!” am tackled to the ground and bludgeoned.

6:12pm- Splurge for dinner with gigantic bacon cheddar cheeseburger and greasy steak fries. Heart attack.

7:18pm- Use my Player’s Club Card chips from previous night to either make it or break it at Blackjack table. Break it. Become hobo. Untimely death-by-overdose goes unacknowledged on the harsh streets of Sin City.

9:02pm- Stand in line at airport security acting critical of every stupid ass who gets up to the X-ray machine and then doesn’t have a clue what to do next. Like, hello? Have you ever flown before or read a damn sign, you fucking waste of meat?! When it comes to my turn, I have jacket off, shoes off, belt off, all set to go. Oh wait! My LIQUIDS! They’re stuffed somewhere in my bag. Zip, zip, unzip, shuffle, zip…where ARE they? Finally find them after holding up line for 2 minutes. Egg on face. Suffocate.

10:44pm- Fly back to SFO without aid of Xanax, making me fully aware of plummeting to death once plane loses wing. Wheeee!

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Day After

2007-02-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

12:20am- Determined to be the good girlfriend who indulges boyfriend with view of breasts-not-my-own, arrive at the Forty Deuce in Mandalay Bay. What is billed as Burlesque turns out to be warmed over drill team dancing with tops on, thank you. Mid-performance, dancer smashes lightbulb with 5-inch heel sending shrapnel flying into crowd. Seriously regret front row seat.

1:13am- Sitting at the video poker arena/bar inside the Luxor, boyfriend and I meet up with Steve the Conference-goer Guy. He’s from Long Island. He’s out on business. He’s got a loving family. And, as it turns out, a penchant for opportunistic, gore-filled murder sprees.

2:02am- Some douchebag named Artie Lange of Howard Stern fame is performing at Luxor. It’s an All-Douchebag bill apparently, seeing as how Carrot Top is squatting here as well. After his performance, Mr. Lange comes sauntering out of show with bimbo women draped upon his doughy frame. People pull out camera phones while he preens and poses in smugness. Appalled by this awkward dance of minor celebrity worship, I take off running towards his beer belly target. Hitting him square, we both knock to the ground where overreactive groupies descend, tearing me limb from limb.

11:46am- Adorable boyfriend wants to enjoy birthday lunch at Del Taco. Who am I to deny such a simple request? Order Nacho Supreme. Contract supreme case of E. Coli.

12:33pm- Riding “The Deuce” down the Las Vegas Strip. (No, not a euphemism, it is simply the new double-decker bus that drives so slowly, you’d think time has stood still.) Sit next to hugely irritating Southern girl who complains every split second, “We’re not even moving! Why aren’t we moving? *Sigh* *Sigh* God DAYY-MN it!” Unable to deal any longer, do Nestea plunge off doubled-deck.

1:32pm- Take elevator up to top of Stratosphere where I receive phone call from boyfriend’s birthday surprise. Excuse self to bathroom to return call and make secret plans to meet up in hour. To cover up for extended stay in bathroom while boyfriend waited impatiently, lie about sudden bought of intestinal distress. As punishment for dishonesty, fates sock me with fatal dose of irony.

1:42pm- Taking in awesome view of city while idiots put selves in peril on various “thrill-rides” atop Stratosphere. Shake head in self-righteousness. Causes unexpected dizziness. Lose footing and plummet over 100 stories.

3:02pm- Arrive at Hilton so boyfriend can go hog-wild at Star Trek experience. Little does he know, best friend has flown in from Seattle to surprise him at Quark’s Bar. Get to bar, no sign of best friend. Awkwardly excuse self. Make frantic call. Go back to bar. Wait. Still no friend. Aneurysm.

3:14pm- Best friend and friend of best friend finally appear. Boyfriend’s face is total confusion. Suddenly, he makes connection. Face lights up like spotlight atop Luxor. Die happy.

3:33pm- Attacked by Borg.

4:19pm- Friend of best friend wins $1000 at video poker. Green with what I think is envy. Turns out to be meningitis.

5:01pm- Ready to party, order dry-ice-and-rum-filled Warp Core Breach at Quark's Bar. After three sips, am beamed to a planet far, far away where I am tasered for mixing sci-fi metaphors.

5:45pm- Get picture taken on deck of Enterprise. Boyfriend sits in Captain’s Chair with me and best friend flanking him for good measure. Attempting realism, play-act pressing buttons on control panel. Does not turn out well for anyone involved.

7:55pm- Attend Tournament of Kings dinner show at Excalibur (where signage proclaims, “I Rule!). Me + Mead + Jousting = Impalement

9:41pm- Am seduced into signing up for Casino Player’s Club Card. Kick self over and over causing massive blood clot.

11:02pm- Blurry-eyed and overly-intoxicated, run into Steve the Conference-goer Guy again. Damn, that is one business professional with an appetite for carnage.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Lordy, Lordy, Look Who Will Never Be 40

2007-02-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

12:00 am- After checking in to Luxor Hotel & Casino in honor of impending Egypt trip, head to Mixx over at Mandalay Bay. On way up in glass elevator, boyfriend checks watch and remarks with the voice of one resigned, “Welp, I’m officially forty.” On cue, elevator plunges downward. At least he made it to forty. I, however, am forever 32.

10:21am- Indulge at Bellagio Buffet. Stuff self to point of suffocation. Not wanting good, gently-digested food to go to waste, Buffet staff slice open belly and display me at carving station.

12:13pm- At boyfriend’s request, visit Atomic Testing Museum. Do I even have to describe what happens here?

2:02pm- After engorging on radiation, attempt to head back to The Strip. Walk to Terrible’s Casino to catch cab. None show, which isn’t surprising considering name. Walk to bus stop. Try to wave down cabs while waiting for bus. Fellow bus waitee attempts to be helpful by pointing out hotel where cabs might be better caught. As we get just out of range of bus stop, bus appears. Attempt to run back towards it. Bus departs. Miffed, decide to walk. Walk fast enough to keep pace with bus caught in insane Vegas traffic. Feeling fit and healthy decide to just walk whole way. Overcome by exhaust fumes.

7:59pm- Take boyfriend to fancy meal at Eiffel Tower Restaurant at Paris Hotel & Casino. We dine while enjoying view of Bellagio fountains and each other’s countenances. Gamely order venison, which comes slightly browned, but basically raw. Eat it anyway to prove self to be true gourmet. Contract CWD, more commonly referred to as Chronic Wasting Disease, or if you're feeling trendy, Mad Deer.

Other than that, pretty good day.

And So It Begins

2007-02-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

6:54pm- First trip to Vegas on Frontier Airlines. Last trip to Vegas on Frontier Airlines.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Party On Without Me

2007-01-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

7:22am- At crucial juncture of Egypt trip planning. Am impatiently awaiting reply from Cairo-based travel agent. Wake up and run to computer to check email. No message. Fly off handle. Into ditch. Populated with venomous snakes.

9:55pm- Throw party at Rickshaw Stop for boyfriend’s 40th birthday. Surrounded by lovely friends, we drink and dance and blow bubbles in honor of celebrant. Trying to keep suppressed throughout evening what will be an awesome weekend surprise, burst with anticipation.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Frothing At The Foot

2007-01-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

7:21am- After purchasing wrong-sized mattress and exchanging it for different size and more expensive style, sleep first night upon its pricey filler. Wake up next morning with back and bones aflame in searing hot white pain. Feels like shards of broken glass. Step out of bed, broken glass bones sever veins and skin.

7:31am- Step on scale. Surprisingly it notes 2 lb. loss. Just as I begin to pump fist in air victoriously, digital display reads “ERROR” and then goes blank. Hoping error is in my favor, step off and back on scale. This time notes 2 lb. gain. No error message displays. I repeat process. Still 2 lb. gain. Pissed, I get on backup scale, this one non-digital. It concurs with non-error findings of digital scale. Discouraged, rush to fridge and begin shoving every edible item into mouth. Then, accidentally shove in one non-edible thing.

1:21pm- Nonchalantly walking down sidewalk on way back to work after lunch. Come upon grate frothing grayish bubbles. Unable to navigate around grate, bubbles bind to shoes and pant cuffs digesting fabric and skin with acidic rage.

7:31pm- Receive email from friend alerting me to her enjoyment of blog. She closes by questioning my state of mental health. After brief evaluation, it is determined to be terminal.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Neighborly Visit

2007-01-29T21:08:00.000-08:00

5:22pm- Pull car into garage and close door. Am too into song on radio to turn off engine. Continue listening while garage fills up with lethal dose of carbon monoxide. The song? Shamefully, Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body."

9:15pm- I'm sorry, neighbor, but could you have bought car that doesn't require 1/2 hour of revving just to drive it around block once before another 1/2 hour of revving is required? No? And now you're smashing me over head with tire iron? Oh, okay, my bad.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Calgon Takes Me Away

2007-01-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

3:44pm- Go for walk with friend. She insists on crossing street against light, which is scary enough. End up on island made of cobblestones amidst speeding traffic zooming past in both directions. Trying to navigate around lamp post, lose footing and fall beneath wheel of impatient driver's car. Crunch.

8:04pm- At 32, still rightfully afraid of being home alone and darkness. Take nice hot relaxing bath with oodles of perfumed bubbles. Tori Amos croons on stereo. As soon as head is dunked beneath surface, boogeyman comes running out from shadows slicing open belly with knife.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Great Mattress Caper

2007-01-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

5:34pm- After enduring over year of terrible back pain, finally break down and buy new mattress. Excitement mounts as I imagine self sleeping pain-free on soft, squishy, expensive new fluff and cloth. Delivery men bring up mattress and set it upon frame. Does not fit. Mistakenly thought I owned queen-sized bed, when all I have is double. Back starts to spasm. The prize so tantalizingly close. Sensing weakness, delivery men tie me up, rob place, kill me because I can identify them, wrap me in old mattress and throw me in back of truck. Bottom line, buying new mattress is nothing but hassle.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Goodbye, Cruel World

2007-01-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

3:12pm- Out of blue, receive email message from married co-worker/client that seems strangely suggestive. Having only met him twice for short period of time, do not understand why he would feel comfortable acting in such familiar way. Call another co-worker/friend over to desk to read email and confirm suspicions of creepiness. She concurs. Just then we look up and see perv lurking around corner. He comes running at me with butcher knife. "If I can't have you, nobody can."

5:02pm- Walking to bus stop after work, still frazzled by email incident. Pass young boy with clipboard. He starts walking towards me. "Ma'am?" Shake head and smile saying no thanks to whatever great offer he has available. He starts screaming at top of lungs. "Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch. Motherfucking bitch! You're nothing but a fucking bitch." Totally shocked, I stop dead in tracks. Anger wells up from deep inside, burning hotter than anything felt in long time. Literally cooked from inside. Boy continues to berate charred corpse.

5:24pm- Get on bus. People are being downright rude. Pushing. Swearing. Yelling. Even a blind woman isn’t spared shove or two. What is it with people today? Look around at all these angry, dejected faces. Give up hope for humanity. Have mental breakdown. Devoured like felled game on open plains of hot savannah.

6:01pm- Finally home, neighbor (ADULT neighbor) playing with remote control car right outside window. Car makes incessant buzzing noise like mosquito on steroids with bullhorn held directly to eardrum. Stick head in oven. I've had it, people.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Blog Anniversary Mayhem

2007-01-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

11:11am- Pull up blog. Notice I have been dying tragically and publicly for exactly one year now. Body goes into shock when I realize my capacity to commit. And when I make pact with self to continue blogging, heart stops dead.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Dumb, Drunk & Disoriented

2007-01-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

1:43am- Too many Jack and diets. Don’t…remember…no…cabs…get in stranger’s car…separated from boyfriend…ummm, not good.

4:14am- After harrowing ordeal unfolded over course of many hours, finally make way home only to find boyfriend still missing. Worries, angry and drunk, venture back out to save him. Never heard from again.

Other than that, pretty good day.

On The Eve Of Distruction

2006-12-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

7:21pm- Head out for a big night on the town. It’s New Year’s Eve and we’re doing it up right. Decide to wear oversized black feather headband to accentuate the 1920s vibe of the evening. On walk to restaurant, mistaken for trophy fowl. Hit in head with buckshot.

7:48pm- Partake of a glorious meal in only Istrian restaurant in Bay Area, Albona. Experience led by benevolent proprietor, Bruno, who discusses food and wine with the knowledgeable flair of Italian paisano. Completely bliss out from meal and turn into puddle in own seat. Boyfriend sops up mess that is me.

10:01pm- Step lively at Bimbo’s, enjoying an evening of swing dancing and drinks. Spot woman I think is Eva von Slut, a buxom pinup girl boyfriend and I have seen around the scene. Confident from drink, walk up and tap her on shoulder inquiring as to her identity. Here’s some unsolicited advices: asking someone if they are So-and-So von Slut when they are not gets your ass kicked.

11:16pm- Waiting in line for bathroom surrounded by mirrors and gabbling, chirping drunk girls, notice objectively that I have without question porked the fuck way up over past year. When I finally get my chance in the stall, I use it to give self never-ending swirlie. Drown in own urine and sorrows.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Nicest Airport In America

2006-12-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

5:45am- Wake up way too early for flight. Friend drives me to Hilo airport. I am pleasantly surprised by service, professionalism and efficiency of the entire ATA crew. It’s not your ordinary cattle-probing, corralling international airport. So few flights means so few people and therefore we can all treat each other with dignity. This doesn’t mean my plane doesn’t crash however.

3:10pm- Arrive home and run into arms of loving boyfriend who was missed during trip as he stands at top of stairs romantically holding a dozen roses. A dozen very thorny roses that pierce flesh upon embrace. My last moment is spent in his arms, berating him for not pruning.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Worlds Collide In Hilo

2006-12-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

11:31am- In pleasant coincidence, make plans to see friends from mainland who happen to be out for vacation. Drive together to Lava Tree State Park to view phenomenon where hot lava has rushed in surrounding large wet trees and then left behind perfect hardened replicas of what tree used to be. While ambling through park, another wave of lava comes barreling through. Fricassee’d Pompeii-style.

2:04pm- Take a dip in a volcanically heated hot pond called Ahalanui. On way down to pond, fail to read sign outlining rules and cautions. Aware of my constant state of fear, friend withholds very important information so that I might enjoy self for few minutes. The information? Angry, hungry, blood-lusting eels navigate these waters. Eaten in a hurry.

8:27pm- Have final-night thank-you dinner at delicious Thai restaurant in Volcano called Thai Thai. Over-order. Over-eat. Over-extend stomach sack which bursts sending colorful fountain of savory contents up into air. I try to re-consume before going unconscious.

Other than that, pretty good day.

White Sand Christmas

2006-12-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

8:19am- Mele kalikimaka! Wake up. Open gifts. Friends’ son poops on floor. Looks like it’s another E.Coli Christmas.

3:12pm- Hike 20 minutes to get to secret beach. Halfway there body consumed by exhaustion. I thought this was a vacation.

3:22pm- Arrive at the most beautiful and secluded beach yet and meet up with friends’ friends from previous night. Wade out in the water. At dusk. While wearing a shiny watch. I hear all of these things are what they tell you not to do otherwise you attract sharks. “They” are right.

4:49pm- Flop down on beach to watch sun set while eating summer sausage and cheese on crackers. I feel a few bugs bite my back. Tell my friend I’m getting bit. She says, “yeah, me too.” But when I get up to gather more summer sausage she screams because my entire back is covered in splotchy red welts. Succumb to Jungle Fever.

5:21pm- Hiking back to car to escape ravenous beach-dwelling insects, spot a small collection of gravestones. With a view of the ocean shaded by palm trees, it’s the prettiest place to be dead. Decide to join them.

6:06pm- On way home, stop at drug store to buy antihistamine to lessen itch of bites. Store only has children’s brand, meaning I should take less because it’s concentrated. I misunderstand thinking it would be less potent if it’s for kids (what do I know about such things?) Chug ½ of bottle. OD.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Here Comes Satan-Claus

2006-12-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

9:13am- Wander around Kona farmer’s market admiring delicious fruits and vegetables I’m too shy to purchase. Inhale their sweet scents instead, along with tropical spore previously unknown to effect humans. During autopsy, doctors coin it Mad Mango Disease due to my succulent orangey pulp of a brain.

11:00am- Make pilgrimage to Kona Brewing Company to indulge on deliciously greasy pizza. In rare event, also order beer. Am drunk and engorged with white flour crust all before noon. Slip into high-carb coma. Friends pull plug.

1:54pm- Frolick and splash at Waialea beach (aka: Beach 69). Waves crash around us as me and friends navigate unseen lava boulders beneath the water’s surface. Mistaking one such boulder for oversized carnivorous fish, freak out, slip on rock, get pummeled by wave, manage to drag self up onto beach sputtering and spent. Hit on head by falling coconut.

2:31pm- Drive back across island up through picturesque Waimea area famous for its Paniolo cowboys. Shot in head by stray arrow.

3:49pm- Drop best friend off at airport. Don’t want to see her leave. Clutch her ankle as she drags me across pavement. It’s not as bad as if I was hanging onto bumper of speeding car, but still, internal injuries are amassed.

4:01pm- Travel back to friends’ house to prep for Christmas Eve feast. They are set to receive 20 or so guests, mostly made up of work friends orphaned on the island for the holidays. Lamb is prepared. Deep fried turkey as well. The feast begins. Toasts are made. Merriment is had. Knives are flying. I get stabbed in the eye before being mistaken for Roast Beast.

8:44pm- Feel shy. Turn into wallflower. Friends forget to water me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tubular Breathing

2006-12-23T12:16:00.000-08:00

12:34pm- Meander over to the Kona side of island. On the way stop at Hana Hou Café, the most southern restaurant in the United States. Pre-order slice of Macadamia-Nut pie to ensure they don’t run out by time we’re ready for dessert. At end of meal, informed that regardless of our request, patron purchased whole pie, which happened to also be last pie. Throw fit. Am subdued by two local characters while waitress smothers face with only slightly-less-delicious coconut cream pie. Suffocate.

1:02pm- Stop off at Honaunau Place of Refuge National Park. Story goes, that if people who had committed crimes could get to this spot before fellow villagers got to them, they could not be prosecuted or more typically, killed. This old mare ain’t what she used to be. Don’t even get out of the starting blocks before I’m captured. My crime? Continued pouting over Mac-Nut pie.

1:49pm- All set to swim. Arrive at Two-Step, a top snorkeling spot on the Big Island. Step down two rocky steps into water only to find out that snorkeling is more difficult than I remember. Especially with deep water and waves crashing you back towards rocks. Finally get mask on, only to have it fog up immediately. Attacked by something, not sure what. But it was big.

1:59pm- Finally get hang of this whole underwater breathing business. Swim and splash around, fish-gazing, yet careful not to lose sight of friend guiding me. Spot sea turtle. Ecstatic, beeline in its direction to get closer look (but not too close, concerned hippies!) Friend points off to my right. I turn. It’s another turtle. Much closer. Much TOO close. I scream through snorkel tube. Upon inhale ingest perhaps 20 gallons of seawater. Drown.

5:12pm- Drink my first bowl of kava. Like marijuana, it causes mild paranoia at first. Of course this is exacerbated by my trio of friends not partaking, yet staring. Three sips in, assume I have overdosed. Assumptions prove prescient.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It

2006-12-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

10:49am- I love plate tectonics and I love volcanoes so friend takes us on tour of Volcanoes National Park. Our first trail, called Sulphur Banks, has us traversing land where cracks spew noxious yellow clouds of gas. Fascinated, I lean too far over. Face poached like overpriced egg at Ritz-Carlton Sunday brunch.

11:00am- While walking along trail, friend grabs 3 berries from shrub and instructs us to try them. Concerned they are poisonous, but standing atop active volcano, decide to throw caution to wind. Eat berry. Pecked to death by Nene, or Hawaiian goose. Appears this is their main food staple during breeding season.

2:14pm- Lava tubes! Lava tubes! Walk through this exciting natural phenomenon only to trip in dark, pass out and drown in inch-deep water.

5:38pm- Hike out onto hardened lava fields just before sunset to watch fresh lava spew all fiery orange and molten into Ocean right before eyes. Walking over glassy-sharp lava with limited light source expectantly difficult. Trip over laces of new hiking shoes, slip down crack. Bloodied, but alive, am left to fend for self by friends.

6:10pm- Sitting atop cooled rock enjoying a hiker’s dinner and watching lava show, am reminded that just that afternoon a warning had been issued that 55-acre lava shelf collapse was imminent. The same shelf on which I am now perched. Sploosh!

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sweetarts Hit Mostly Sour Notes

2006-12-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

12:30pm- After last night’s cocktail of Xanax and wine, body goes into toxic shock. Worried that I have not stirred all morning, friends come in to room to check that I am still breathing. I am not.

1:48pm- Drive into the quaint little town of Hilo for lunch and acclimation. Stop off at farmer’s market and spot what I think are lychee nuts, but in fact I am told, are the ever more visually enticing and exotic rombutans. Buy bag-full and attempt to peel the first one. Fat squirming alien creature bursts forth, attaching itself viciously to neck. Inserts inch-long fangs into jugular. Guess I am the exotic fruit today.

2:33pm- Saunter into garden supply store so friend can purchase machete for husband as Christmas gift. As dear reader can imagine, salesperson’s overenthusiastic demonstration goes awry.

3:01pm- Friend exhibits her 10-month-old child’s potty-training method called Elimination Communication. It involves no diapers. Simply make hissing noise in child’s ear while holding them in pee-ready position in discreet location. Hissing noise causes me to pee own self. Unfortunately, am not in discreet location. Carted off to jail only to contract jungle rot from dampened underwear.

3:12pm- Take walk through beautiful, Japanese-inspired Lili'uokalani gardens overlooking Hilo Bay and Coconut Island. Gaze out past picture-perfect rainbow to see 5-story-tall wall of water surging towards shore. Damn you, tsunami!

4:19pm- Indulge upon dragon fruit ice cream. But what I thought was fruit is indeed adorable baby dragon. Mother of sacrificed delicacy swoops down from sky incinerating me on sight.

6:09pm- Meet up with friend’s husband as he and friends play lively game of ultimate Frisbee. All that running around causes me to have heart attack in their honor.

9:11pm- Grab drink at bar featuring the band, Sweetarts. Are all arrested for bringing baby into bar. This time in jail, am turned into bitch by what could be described as “overly-voluptuous” Samoan woman. Suffocated during lovemaking.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Lesser-Known Malevolent Spirits of Aloha

2006-12-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

7:10pm- Arrive at airport. Plan is to meet best friend at gate as she has flown in from LA so we can continue on together to Big Island. Spot her at gate. Start to run over to greet her. Trip over small child. Impaled on business man’s luggage handle.

8:19pm- Forgo food in favor of alcohol before boarding plane figuring 5 ½ hour flight will warrant at least complimentary ½ sandwich or snack-pack. Wrong! Am forced to purchase (with credit card no less—cash not accepted) tube of Pringles potato chips, a “food” I haven’t consumed since 5th grade. Trans fats surge right to aorta setting up thick, viscous camp which disallows blood to flow properly to heart.

9:45pm- Halfway over Pacific Ocean, plane breaks apart ala “Lost.” Once on the mysterious island, my plotline is not interesting enough to be featured on show. My character is merely panned over during group shots until I am captured by The Others. Nobody notices.

11:20pm- Land safely in Hilo, Hawai’i, but sadly am not lei’d upon disembarkation of plane. Try to find someone to complain to, but am ambushed by cannibalistic hula troupe.

11: 34pm- Greet old college friends and their baby. Get into car and drive up side of Kilauea volcano towards their house. Angered by my impertinence, Pele rains down shower of molten lava to thwart my ascent. Fried to Pringles-like crisp.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Menace To Society

2006-12-20T16:17:00.001-08:00

9:14am- In meeting with client who asks if everyone got the corporate Christmas present she sent. I say no, to which she points out that due to legal issues, I, as contractor, am ineligible for company-logo-laden umbrella. Legal issues? Over an umbrella? That kills me!

10:36am- In another meeting with different clients, one of whom utters the phrase, “brown hole.” Everyone looks over at her aghast and taking her place, I’m the one who dies of embarrassment.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Naptime! Naptime! Naptime! See? It’s Annoying.

2006-12-18T16:16:00.000-08:00

8:45am- See big, fat old minivan driving next to me in double turn lane. Something atop van catches eye. It is tiniest baby Christmas tree EVER! And it’s strapped down with bungee cords as if it is twin sister of giant Rockefeller Center tree. Laugh so hard, miss turn and slam car into cement truck. That’s what makes the holidays worth it!

1:45pm- Every workday after lunch I must pass security guard and swipe official corporate ID card. Every workday after lunch I must endure said security guard inquire, “Back from lunch?” To which I exasperatedly reply, “Er, (awkward pause) yeah.” To which he then shouts out, “Naptime!” The worst part (and the part that got me sent to the electric chair after being convicted of his murder) is that he then does the whole damn song and dance with people coming in from lunch behind me. There are 300 people in my building. I rest case.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Hack Attack

2006-12-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

3:13pm- Wear frumpy sweater to work. Look like woman of a certain age who has given up on self after nasty divorce. Become invisible to coworkers and rest of society. Fade off into oblivion.

7:44pm- Go out for monthly Special Dinner with boyfriend at Maharani. Order something loaded up with dry, twiggy herbs which have propensity for embedding selves right around epiglottal area. Start to gag like cat on fur ball. Mucus created from mixture of spices and herbal obstruction blocks windpipe.

Other than that, pretty good day.

That Will Teach Him (Not To Date Psycho)

2006-12-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

9:49am- In fight with boyfriend, asked to back car out of garage so he can drive off in his own car and hate me elsewhere. So mad while backing up hill, realize if I take foot off brake I can ram right into guardrail and make him feel responsible for death. So I do.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Unbalanced Meal

2006-12-06T22:02:00.000-08:00

7:06pm- Eat strangest dinner ever: 3 strips turkey bacon / 1 handful pomegranate seeds. Body self-destructs.

Other than that, pretty good day.

On Golden Pond Of Blood

2006-12-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

9:02am- Driving to work after visit to chiropractor. Gigantic semi next to me going exact same speed. Makes me nervous. Try to speed up, truck speeds up. Try to slow down, truck slows down. While I try to figure out new tactic, get distracted, crash into car in front of me.

5:15pm- Stop by Sharper Image after work to buy gift for Toys For Tots fundraising event. Man who rings me up then walks me to door, opens it for me and says, “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Jane Fonda at her best?” Flattered, walk out of store with extra spring in step where I am then shot by angry Vietnam vet mistaking me for Hanoi Jane.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Who Dunnit This Time?

2006-12-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

7:34pm- Attend friend's birthday party with Murder/Mystery theme. You can guess how that turned out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Good Die Young

2006-11-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

7:47pm- Find out that first love, the one I gave a high five to after losing our respective virginities, has passed away after 8 year battle with cancer. A little piece of heart dies with him, causing whole heart to fail. I’ll really miss you, Brian. You were such a wonderful person.

Other than that, pretty crappy day overall.

Sleep Tight

2006-11-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

12:55pm- Take ½ Xanax on flight from Cleveland to Chicago and then a whole one on flight from Chicago to Oakland. Extra dosage causes me to pass out cold. Have that "fake wake" sensation over and over, but can’t propel self back into consciousness.

Other than that, pretty good day.

It's Not Heavy, Says My Father

2006-11-27T16:42:00.000-08:00

10:43am- Am asked by 69 year old father to help carry heavy new chair up to bedroom. Start to remind him of recent and expensive chiropractic appointments, but remember that he is almost septuagenarian, while I am spry young thing. Lift with legs and take single step upstairs. Muscles seize. Chair falls back down upon me. Crushed.

8:31pm- Spend grueling day sitting in recliner going through all my papers, handouts, notebooks, files, folders and syllabi from school days gone by. Realize even I’M not interested in this crap. Toss everything except bag full of notes passed to me in high school, all just basically imploring me to stay cool. Don’t leave chair for 5 hours. Blood clot.

Other than that, pretty good day.

It's Greek To Me

2006-11-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

4:15pm- Make visit to college sorority sister, husband and newish baby. Am asked to prepare hamburger meat for evening’s dinner. Raw meat traps self under nails awaiting transport to mouth where it can really do some damage.

8:18pm- Concerned that my drive to their house was through supposed bad neighborhood I failed to notice, friends direct me home via what I can only assume to be “white route.” Promptly get lost. Jumped by upper middle class business man in need of a thrill.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Trashed

2006-11-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

11:14am- Previously asked by mother to make this the trip where I go through left-behind things and discard what is no longer important. Discover she has already thinned the herd considerably. Basically everything I would have cared about has been pre-tossed (tapes of college radio shows I DJ’d, all furniture old enough to be cool, books given to me by long-deceased grandfather). Luckily copious amounts of high school sweatshirts have been spared. Go into blind rage spinning and spewing venom, screaming at top of lungs. Parents have no choice but to taser me. Cardiac arrest. Boy don’t they feel guilty now.

12:05pm- Hang with mom and high school best friend at Goldie’s Deli, where I waitressed for a summer back in college. Order tabbouleh in honor of my first ever having it at this exact restaurant. Putting the lemon-saturated, parsley-based side dish to lips transports me back to simpler days. Body implodes. Humans not meant for time travel just yet.

8:02pm- 3rd degree colorectal burns. On whole, Ohio needs more fiber.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Cornucopia Of Gluttonous Behavior

2006-11-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

6:05am- Take off for very, very, very early flight back to Cleveland to celebrate Thanksgiving with the folks. What a good headline it makes to have plane crash on major holiday. People are glued to their TV sets for weeks.

3:45pm- Arrive in Cleveland and am immediately whisked home to a table full of savory engorgements. OD on tryptophan.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Dared To Dream

2006-11-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

1:12pm- Decide to “work from home” for afternoon, which is basically just cleverly disguised ploy to escape from boring beige office space. Get home and immediately fall asleep watching Tivo-ed Oprah’s. In my dreams, band of co-workers hunt me down and torch house while I slumber. And just like in “Nightmare on Elm St.,” if you die in your sleep, you die for real.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Bathed In Bacteria

2006-11-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

10:03am- Time for another every-few-months houseclean. Am forced to confront the slimy sludge caught up in sink drain stopper. Try to shield skin from sludge with paper towel, but toxins seep in and do their worst. Blood squirts from eyes. Froth dribbles from lips. Boyfriend finds me lying on ground and rolls his eyes before discovering lack of pulse.

10:54am- In another moment of housecleaning discomfort, decide to tackle kitchen trashcan lid. As I scrub and scrape a befouled plastic lid, flip through mental rolodex of all things thrown out in past year. Conclusion: collective infection rate VERY high.

1:01pm- As treat for good job on house, boyfriend and I do caloric splurge at Joe’s Cable Car Restaurant for burger, fries and the most delicious of chocolate malts. Snarfing my shake with abandon, am victim of esophageal freeze.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Toga! Toga!

2006-11-18T16:04:00.000-08:00

7:01pm- Invited to attend surprise 50th birthday party for boyfriend’s cousin. Oh yeah, and it’s toga-only. After getting into the mood shopping for attire, walk into party and quickly realize toga parties only fun when one knows other attendees at said party. Will self to dissipate in puff of smoke not 10 seconds after unsuccessfully scanning room for familiar faces.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thirst Quencher

2006-11-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

6:12pm- Defrost chicken, setting package on top of case of Diet Dr. Pepper in fridge. Package compromised sending cascade of raw chicken juice down over each and every can of pop. Even with a vigorous scrub, still manage to ingest enough poultry juice to down a cadre of legionnaires.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Watch Where You Walk

2006-11-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

8:54am- Walking to work on Howard St. Hear the clip-clop, clip-clop of girl walking at similar pace right behind me. Creeped out, I begin to walk faster. She begins to walk faster. Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Whap! Fade to black.

5:32pm- An older gentleman with cane is attempting to exit the 9BX bus. Gaze over as he makes way ably down first step. Lose interest in his progress, then hear a noise. I look out. The old man is prone on the hard cement. Cane a-skittered. Grocery bags mish-mashed about his frame. He rocks side to side trying to upright himself, mouth shaped in an O of surprised humiliation. As it registers in my head to get off bus and help him, doors close unceremoniously and we drive away. Damned to hell.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Lard Ass

2006-11-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

12:02pm- After a year of trusting my brokerage account to an Ameriprise advisor I met at a burger joint called Clown Alley, portfolio is as limp as a non-Vlasic pickle. As if living during Black Friday, decide to jump out office window in despair. Window only one story off ground. Am not making good decisions.

5:16pm- Take stick of butter out of fridge. Realizing it has been in there for over year, give it tentative sniff. Not smelling much offensive, dart tongue out to lick exposed end. Instant death.

Other than that, pretty good day.

You Are What You Eat

2006-11-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

3:03pm- Standing in line at grocery checkout, am asked by clerk to identify mystery vegetable on conveyor belt. Before I can answer, clerk behind me shouts out, “That’s Anus!” My preference for calling it anise is overruled as I am subjected to E. coli exposure.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Excuse Me For Being Biodegradable

2006-11-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

11:14am- The overwhelming throngs of nuevo-hippies at SF Green Festival cause me to rudely elbow way past demonstration for hemp-infused sports drink/alternative fuel source. Crowd becomes self-righteous. After bludgeoning me to pulp, am stuffed into compost bin for socially responsible waste removal.

5:23pm- Turn on TV to see commercial for "Edward Scissorhands, The Musical." Immediately put on pair of 3-D glasses and impale self on lead character’s razor sharp phalanges.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holders

2006-11-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

12:04pm- Having bought into Oprah’s claim that 8 out of 10 women are wearing wrong-sized bra, make trip to Nordstrom’s to get fitted by expert. Find out in fact I have been wearing RIGHT-sized bra all along. Due to buxom size, get suckered into buying underwire, which I already know bugs shit out of me. Wear pretty, new, overpriced bra to work. Punctured repeatedly throughout day by underwire, with one final, fatal Crocodile-Hunter type blow topping the cake.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Don't Rock This Way

2006-11-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

10:23pm- Perform at event thrown by the nude-hose-and-button-down-oxford-wearing contingency of my old company. As if that’s not bad enough, witness man doing the “Cabbage Patch” to one of our songs. Make sacrificial stage dive knowing full well I will not be caught.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Mirror, Mirror Not In Fall

2006-11-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

12:56pm- Go for easy hike to see Mirror Lake, which supposedly reflects the Washington Column and South Half Dome upon its placid surface. Discover that by fall, lake has thoroughly evaporated. Exhausted from trek and with head bowed down from disappointment, make easy prey for ravenous coyotes.

10:01pm- Attend gorgeous wedding for dear friend at Yosemite Chapel. Generous bride and groom then provide shuttles to reception at Ahwahnee Hotel at 5pm with drop off back at Yosemite Lodge, our place of inhabitance, at 10pm. In between it’s 5 straight hours of drinking from an open bar. Rack up about one blood alcohol point for every hour, and fail to factor in affects of altitude. Paramedics don’t even try to revive me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Such Thing As Routine Exam

2006-11-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

9:06am- Sit patiently in waiting room at UCSF Mt. Zion Medical Center, ready to receive x-rays on my long-suffering back. Over the loudspeaker, a woman disrupts in the calmest of voices, “Code Blue, Operating Room, A Level. Code Blue, Operating Room, A Level.” I look up at the waiting room sign, which now curiously says: Operating Room, A Level. Team of doctors come rushing at me with defibrillator paddles. Before I know what’s happening, loudspeaker woman cuts in again, “Cancel Code Blue.” Doctors walk away shaking their heads with dispair at the unfairness of it all. How could this happen to someone so young? How?

5:02pm- Asked by receptionist of Yosemite Lodge in Yosemite National Park at check-in if I am ‘Bear Aware.’ I am not.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thirst Quencher

2006-11-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

8:53am- Drive car to work and am asked to squeeze diminutive Miata into tight spot. Challenged, I gear up to make turn only to see water bottle filled with urine right where tire must go. What to do? I can’t get out and TOUCH it! Having no choice, run it over while expertly gliding into spot. Sound of plastic giving way and spray of liquid contained inside provokes gag reflex. As I exit car, urine puddle seems to wink at me while awaiting descension of my foot. I try to hop across, but slip, fall and knock self out. Left to drown in 2 inch puddle of bum piss.

8:14pm- Pick up what I will never know to be most delicious Burmese tea salad I would have ever eaten from Yamo’s on 18th & Mission. While walking back to car with boyfriend, witness truck screeching away from a scene with gaggle of gang members chaotically running after it. Gun fire rings out. Boyfriend turns to see me and takeout bag lying on ground. He picks up bag, raises fist to sky and screams, “Noooooooooooooooo!”

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Last Word, Gurgled

2006-10-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

11:45am- Drive up to Napa to celebrate friend’s birthday. Hit by driver drunk on full-bodied Cab with notes of creosote and raspberry jam.

7:47pm- Engage in annual Halloween-time argument with boyfriend. Stab self in neck and gut to spite him. Take that!

Other than that, pretty good day.

So Long, Dream

2006-10-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

7:02pm- Wait for bus that never comes. Walk back to house to get car. Drive through unruly, infuriating traffic. Circle block after block looking for parking. Aneurysm.

8:29pm- Hear that friend’s awesome t-shirt company, Mothership is no more. My dream of lounging on beach in early retirement made possible from millions earned coming up with witty saying for him dies.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Quietly Slipping Away

2006-10-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

3:12pm- As penance for being an opinionated woman, contract spasmodic dysphonia, the rare vocal disease recently enjoyed by Dilbert cartoon creator, Scott Adams. My silent shouts for help go unaided.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Grabbin' Some Permanent Shut Eye

2006-10-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

12:34pm- Spot dirty pillow abandoned in a gutter on Howard St. Decide there’s no time like present to take much-deserved nap. Cozy up to blackened sack of polyester fill only to be run down by curb-hugging Chevy Corvette.

Other than that, pretty good day.

A Taste Of Heaven

2006-10-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

10:11pm- Boyfriend takes me out fancy to Grand Café. Feeling saucy, indulge by ordering dessert. I crack top of Crème Brule and place hardened sugar coating in mouth. It’s as if chomping down on entire packet of Exacto blades. Bleed out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

It Was Up To You, New York

2006-10-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

10:14am- Looking to outdo breakfast from previous morning, consume not one, but TWO decadent cupcakes from Magnolia’s, a bakery featured in that awesome SNL film short with Andy Sandberg. Blood sugar levels surge like Great Tsunami of 2004.

10:15am- Sitting on park bench with boyfriend watching small child give mother extremely hard time. He looks over at me and says, “Momma, she’s eating a cupcake,” to which I reply with a sneer, “Yes, unlike you, I can eat cupcakes whenever I want!” Mother shoots me daggers with impressive accuracy.

1:43pm- Walk around and around and around Manhattan until feet pool with bruised blood. Healthy environment for clotting.

4:11pm- Get caught up watching street performers in Washington Square Park. Pickpocketed and then shived when I attempt protest.

5:01pm- Get into elevator at Penn Station on way back to Newark airport. People crowd in so tight that there is hardly room to breathe. Luckily conveyance plummets down from weight killing us all instantly before I have time to suffocate.

7:45pm- While stuck waiting for delayed boarding of flight, panic attack starts to brew. Suddenly, my heart feels warm. Then it is inflamed. I crawl to floor and put head in lap. I took too many Xanax! I didn’t take enough! I don’t know what’s going on except I’m having heart attack. Boyfriend looks on.

7:54pm- Learn how to fly the planes, pilots! Learn how to fly the goddamn planes!

Other than that, pretty good day.

If I Can Die Here, I Can Die Anywhere

2006-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

9:49am- Wake up in the city that never sleeps. Decide a breakfast of pistachio nut and white chocolate pancakes with a side of BBQ beef brisket from Shopsin’s General Store is the perfect way to start day. Am forced to endure conversation of self-consumed hipsters nearby. When one declares, “I’m not yet comfortable referring to myself as an artist,” chunk of brisket gets lodged fully in windpipe. Unfortunately for me, he is also not yet comfortable referring to himself as Heimlich maneuverer.

11:01am- Walk down to Ground Zero where I intend to feel properly somber and reflective. Am met instead by street hawkers offering faux designer sunglasses and handbags along with small photo books of 9/11 tragedy. Anger begins burbling down at my toes. It then courses up through body with intensifying speed until reaching top of head where it explodes out of me like a fat man from a circus canon.

12:33pm- Wait in line for Statue of Liberty tour. Flash back to days when ancestors perhaps stepped foot upon this very spot to make fresh start in new world. Imagine self as rejected immigrant, forced to return on boat from which I came. During journey am consumed by scurvy. To make matters worse, don’t even go on stupid Statue of Libery tour because of timing issues.

4:13pm- Not yet ready for more food, but feeling pressured to make most of time here, wait in line outside of John’s Pizzeria for what I’m told is best pizza in city. Don’t necessarily die and go to heaven, but maybe because I am agnostic.

5:47pm- Partake of nap from which I never awake.

Drunk o’clock pm- Go to following bars and random food establishments: Manitoba’s, Fish Bar, CBGBs (just outside though since it’s last weekend and sold out), Welcome to the Johnson’s, Bamn! Automat (try the mac-n-cheese kroket), The Library, Dumpling Man, Burp Castle, McSorley’s. At end of evening, barely able to see straight, step off curb to dance with magical yellow braying donkey. Or is that a speeding cab? *hic*

Other than that, pretty good day.

Start Spreading The News...Of My Demise

2006-10-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

8:34am- Flight to NYC. Xanax causes me to pass out before even taking off meaning body does not pressurize correctly. At cruising altitude, I awake and explode like giant squid brought to the ocean’s surface.

3:12pm- Land in New Jersey, the nation’s armpit. Confused by fact that both New York and New Jersey have Penn Stations, get on train to wrong one. Jumped by members of Bon Jovi cover band.

4:29pm- Find way to real Penn Station. Step outside into mad rush that is New York City. Eek! Too excited to be here. Step off curb. Run down by cab.

9:02pm- Go out to dinner with boyfriend at Villa Mosconi, a place he claims has the best gnocchi he’s ever eaten. Having resigned self to fact that diet is on vacation-hiatus, stuff face with everything put in front of me, including hand of over-attentive waiter. Appalled, but quick on his feet, waiter impales me with sharp bony arm stump.

Other than that, pretty good day.

I Yam What I Yam

2006-10-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

5:26pm- Cram self onto 9BX bus. Barely room to stand and forget about holding onto anything. Am pushed up almost against front window. Express onto highway where sudden stop sends me through window. But only ½ way. Ouch.

7:10pm- Make meal consisting of Shirataki, my new favorite low-carb yam noodles. What could be more delicious than that? How about yammy yam noodles with spaghetti sauce so I can fool self that I’m not letting down the people who bestowed upon me an Italian surname? Maybe so. What’s not delicious is discovering very sever allergic reaction.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Nail In My Coffin

2006-10-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

11:43am- Typically paying little attention to things that grow from me, such as hair and nails, am shocked to discover the middle finger of my right hand growing what can only be described as a snagglenail. A fungal culture reveals I’m afflicted with terminal case of onychomycosis.

5:11pm- Walk past homeless man on Howard St. Hear him grumble, “It’s time,” as he passes me. Then, everything goes black.

6:36pm- Cook up delicious piece of chicken. Halfway through consumption, discover bloody vein. Campylobacteric food poisoning topped with a soupcon of utter disgust.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Check The Date

2006-10-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

7:17pm- Purchase what I think is new package of chicken apple sausage. Upon opening freshness pouch, I discover copious amounts of slime. The end of one link forms what looks like the resevoir tip of a used condom. Without other options, I decide to rinse off meat and proceed with intended meal. Mistake.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Culture Clash

2006-10-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

1:55pm- Visit recently reopened De Young museum. Try to marvel at all the spectacular and culturally significant art pieces, but after shuffling from room to room to room, slip into museum coma. After about 20 minutes of unconsciousness, boyfriend totally Terry Schiavo's me.

1: 57pm- Contract case of human African trypanosomiasis licking Kenyan tribal mask.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sit Down, Stand Up, Flight Flight Flight

2006-10-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

8:42am- Give up seat on bus to woman and small child only because bus makes sudden stop and they practically fly into my lap at which point even my iPod/sunglasses/scowl combination isn't enough to feign ignorance of their existence. Stand up and bus makes another sudden stop sending me sailing out window.

11:02am- Walk into work bathroom and inevitably choose the poop stall, the one most recently pooped in. It's almost like I have special selection powers for such a thing. You would think over time it would boost my immunity to giardiasis. But it doesn't.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Google Or Die

2006-09-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

9:58am- Inability of other people to Google for themselves instead of emailing me to ask “what’s the address/phone number/PH balance of so-and-so” causes brain hemorrhage.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Watch Where You Sit

2006-09-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

10:07am- First documented case of strep throat of the vulva from sitting on uncovered toilet seat after watching Myth Busters episode where they tested germs on various surfaces in the house and found toilet seats to actually be cleanest by far. Guess you can’t believe everything you see on TV.

1:02pm- Walking back to work, stomach seizes with gas cramps (which has been happening daily since starting this new assignment due to the fact that the bathroom is never, ever, EVER empty). Stop in at local Starbucks and create my own ass frappacino. Infected with non-spinach-based e. coli.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Shitty Way To Die

2006-09-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

8:32am- Usually when I wait for the bus in the morning several pass me by that I don’t want. I used to take a step back to indicate I wasn’t interested in their services. Today I want to test theory to see just how little effort I have to put in to keep them from stopping. I try looking aloof and buses pass by without even slowing down. It is unsettling. Seriously. Like Bruce Willis in “Sixth Sense.”

8:55am- Walking down Howard, see massive crane on construction site lifting three port-a-potties at once high above my head. Before I can register the possibilities, potties drop, crushing me and spilling poop all over my innocent form.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Much Shorter And Deadlier In Person

2006-09-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

3:32pm- Hear that Ben and Jerry Stiller (not to be confused with Ben & Jerry ice cream) movie is being filmed nearby. Stand by tree which I believe to be in "safe zone." After yelling 'rolling,' a best boy annoyidly waves me out of frame. Embarrassed, but determined to see Ben, I push in front of the two women standing near me saying, “excuse me, I’m trying to watch the shot.” They look at each other and then back at me. One woman says, “um, yeah, we’re in the film,” at which point Ben comes raging down the street and gives it to me Dodgeball style.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Why I Hate Folsom Street

2006-09-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

12:12pm- Walk through streets during Folsom Street festival. Gay men clad in leather buttless chaps or nothing at all. Sweaty, stinky, hairy men. I can’t begrudge them since it's entirely their scene and I paid money to be here. One nipple-clamped man accidentally knocks into me full on with furry matted chest hair to my cheek. I faint, swoon and fall headfirst into shallow pool of beer, rainwater and urine. Drown.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Love Fest ‘Til Death Do Us Part

2006-09-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

5:09pm- Attend Love Fest with its scant costumes, slick dance moves, and pumping bass. The DJ float I choose to dance in front of has the sickest, baddest, bassiest speaker systems. I become victim of the brown note.

11:21pm- Way past tolerance, decide to partake of friend’s special Love Fest brownies. Unbeknownst to me, they are laced not only with pot but with Ecstasy. Last time I took Ecstasy it caused a minor coronary. This time it is major. Kids, don’t do drugs.

11;44pm- Scarf North Beach pizza with vengeance, careful to separate cheese from crust in order to stick to half-assed attempts at Adkin’s diet. While trying to cram oversized bolus of sun-dried tomato, garlic, pepperoni and basil-speckled cheese down throat, choke. Unable to expel.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Chew On This

2006-09-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

5:03pm- On way home from work walk passed woman wearing the checked pants and white coat typical of a chef in training. Woman is so obese, am accidentally engulfed into the folds of her pannus, where I promptly suffocate. My dying words of wisdom to her were this: Judging solely from your girth, perhaps a career in the culinary arts is one to be avoided.

5:24pm- I hate the bus. And I hate all who ride the bus. Due to new job, I now get one midway through route, so there are no seats and people are pushy and usually smell unclean. Today as I stand before an older woman shielding her eyes from the sun, I realize I have the power to block the rays for her with my shadow. Imperialistic feelings of power surge through me. I benevolently block the sun until she feels confident enough to take her hand away from her eyes and then I quickly lean to the right exposing her vulnerable corneas to the incandescent light. My reign is short-lived. Soon the townspeople of Busville revolt and I am decapitated, my head displayed on a spiked pole for all to see and pelt.

7:33pm- Boyfriend kindly picks up Thai food for dinner. As I dine on flavorful chicken satay, come across chewy, uncooked and highly offensive piece of poultry. Salmonella sets in quickly.

8:06pm- After all my obsession and pining for Crocodile Hunter, laugh at joke Norm MacDonald makes about his death on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The spirit of Steve Irwin abducts me. Am banished to pit of hellfire.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Take THAT, Other Ad Bands!

2006-09-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

8:44am- Am menaced by trucks as I drive in to work. They flank me on the highway and then all at once merge in towards me. I pop like a freshly burst zit.

10:03am- Sit across from guy in meeting who looks like an old friend of mine whom I miss. As I think back wistfully to all the good times we had, the doppelganger turns his head towards me like Large Marge in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Terrified beyond measure.

12:33pm- Gag on Tandoori chicken grizzle. Seriously, I hate that! It’s like Russian roulette even eating that shit.

3:41pm- Am mandatorily invited to attend two-hour long brand/advertising guidelines discussion for major financial investment firm. Halfway through, stop breathing. Sweet release.

4:12pm- Pass poster in hallway featuring Cindy Crawford. She is asking me to help her in the fight against blood cancer. BLOOD cancer? Holy shit, people can get that? Oops, guess so.

9:43pm- Stepping out to play a show, wear new Isaac Mizrahi boots from Target. So excited to find boots to fit fat calves, bought two pair: one black, one brown. Already, by the beginning of our set, feel as though I am standing with feet between dual vice-grips—a maniacal sadist working the cranks. The cranks turn and turn until my bones are crushed sending calcium-fortified shrapnel through bloodstream.

11:57pm- What is up with these mother fucking trucks? On way home from winning Point Roll’s highly esteemed 1st Annual Battle of the Advertising Bands competition (staged at Great American Music Hall no less—where I have seen great bands such as The Ravonettes, The White Stripes and Max Weinberg and the Weinberg 7, the last one being a lie), am again flanked by trucks. Trying to merge onto 101-S, get caught between four of the 18 wheels of an 18-wheeler.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Clown In The Potty

2006-09-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

8:12am- After deciding to resume some semblance of exercise routine, step out into the world eager for walk to the bus stop. Searing pain shoots through toe and up leg. Apparently after last night’s brisk 3-mile walk, I severed a tendon or something. I drop to ground writhing in pain and am hit by car speeding down Campbell Street. So much for a healthy lifestyle.

10:49am- Walk into work bathroom and am startled to find myself standing face to face with a bona fide clown. Not sure if this is some sort of corporate motivational experiment, I honk her big, red plastic nose. She then gives me the world’s longest swirlie until I stop the struggle.

12:34pm- Sitting in atrium of the Rincon Center finishing off the delicious shewerma platter that I pretty much get every day now from Arabi. An explosive sound erupts above the food court chatter. The ground shakes violently. Turns out that while an employee was trying to push it back to wherever it lives, a leg from the noon-time piano fell off and said piano has smashed to the ground. Too late for me, however. Convinced of a terrorist attack, I am blown to bits. My image and likeness is then used by GOP to sweep November elections.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Crane Drops Falling On My Head

2006-09-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

8:44am- Walking to work, giant crane swings swiftly above head. Construction worker operating controls chooses this time to end his life in order to provide family with money from insurance policy. I have the misfortune of being caught beneath his heft after plummet.

5:02pm- Walk beneath a window washing apparatus empty and only two stories above my head. Pulley system fails. Crushed, but remain alive until workers come to extract me. Then I bleed out.

5:31pm- Rampant bus germs on my hand. That’s all I’ve gotta say.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Filth Frenzy

2006-09-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

8:57am- On walk to work am confronted by fresh bum poop clinging halfway up links of a now-befouled fence. Airborne contaminants seek refuge in my nostrils before defeating my immune system.

12:33pm- Am directed to lunch spot named Julie’s Kitchen for a more upscale buffet option. Load up on meats. Choke on deadly combination of dry sliced turkey breast and pea shoots. Thos shoots get me every time.

3:33pm- Shoot self in head due to monotony of day job.

5:32pm- Riding 9BX home from work. Spot child with soil of some brown sort covering nose and mouth. Convinced, in addition to being disgusting to look at, it must be infectious. It is.

5:35pm- Still on bus. Woman next to me is holding her requisite pink plastic grocery bag, compliments of some Chinatown vendor. The bag twitches and rattles. I hear chirps and tweets and then a rustling of feathers. Bird flu, anyone?

Other than that, pretty good day.

Put A Cap In It

2006-09-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

9:46pm- Play show at 23 Club in Brisbane. Halfway through 2nd song, cops bust through saloon doors. I hit the deck, afraid they’ll start shooting up the place. Confused by my reaction, they start shooting up the place.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Out Of Breath

2006-09-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

11:13am- Committed to exercising more often. Take hike up Coit Tower with boyfriend. Near top, chest explodes.

1:55pm- Invited to big island of Hawai’i by old college friend currently living there. Having just read “Krakatoa” and being really into plate tectonics, I jump at the chance. Before I can even check into flight costs, freak volcanic eruption occurs right here in San Francisco where North American plate and Pacific plate are converging, even though the subduction zone is more volatile and prone to eruptions up in Northwest near Mt. Saint Helen, Mt. Hood, Mt. Rainier, Mt. Baker, Mt. Adams and Lassen Peak. Go figure.

11:58pm- As I drift off to bed reading guidebook for April trip to Egypt, I glance down at all the strange blue veins just beneath my skin. I flick one with my finger and like a sprung coil, they all unravel and burst from my body.

Other than that, pretty good day.

A Killer Personality

2006-09-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

9:09am- Read how doctors have discovered a Type D personality. Type Ds are more prone to cardiac events. Peruse list of Type D traits and mentally tick off every one before having my own event.

5:14pm- Take crowded 9AX bus home. Woman next to me stands with her moist nostrils dangerously close to my hand. She huffs and snorts like a horse, forcibly embedding bacteria into my skin. I fail to get home quick enough to wash it away.

7:08pm- Pressure in back of throat signals advanced stage throat cancer. I eschew indignity of stoma for quick death.

Other than that, pretty good day.