Tuesday, March 27, 2007

That Was No Hound Dog

8:44pm- Open garage door, but dawdle around first before getting in car to leave for work. Neighbor with dog walks by and peeks in. Spotting my highly coveted Elvis bust, his eyes widen with jealousy. No time to run before rabid dog released from leash.

12:34pm- On way to job interview, sweat through freshly laundered shirt. So dehydrated, collapse to ground one block from destination.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, March 19, 2007

In The Clink

5:12pm- Find self in one of the finest police stations in all of San Francisco. They call it the Hall of Justice. I call it the Hall of Crazy Mutherfuckers. Of course I do that out loud which incites one of the crazys to charge at me with a whittled stick and an imaginary crossbow.

5:33pm- Denying my feminist heritage, flirt shamelessly with cute cop in order to curry favor in the ‘identity theft resolution’ department. We speak via telephone with a bulletproof glass partition between us, just like in the movies, except somehow now I am the prisoner and he is here to tell me that the governor has denied me my stay of execution. Dead man walking.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Revelation Too Late

7:13pm- Decide corned beef is the string cheese of meat. Translation: highly chokeable.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

You're Getting Freaky

10:02am- In order to deal with my generalized, yet debilitating anxiety disorder, fucking asshole losers trying to steal my identity and an IRS notification of gross underpayment of 2005 taxes, visit hypnotist on the recommendation of dear friend. Hypnotherapist uses soothing voice to count me down and relax me into desired state. Then she tells me I am so relaxed with eyes so heavy they will no longer work. She asks me to try to open them. I cannot. Freak the fuck out. Then regressed childhood memory of Freddy Kreuger enters this dreamstate and slices me to bits. So much for alternative healing.

11:02am- After alerting hypnotherapist of anxiety about working through my anxiety, she is able to calm me back down. By end of session, feel so euphoric, alive and optimistic that it just figures I’d walk outside and caught in rival gang crossfire.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Let Me Out Of Here

5:24pm- Trapped in car with own odiferous burp.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Speak, I Command You

11:02am- Get unsuspecting focus group participant to say the name Larry Halpsberg during website utilization study. Having made name up, find this absolutely hilarious as I munch M&Ms behind one-way glass. Drunk on power. Autopsy concludes Blood-Power-Level 5 times legal limit.

Other than that, pretty good day.