Friday, December 29, 2006

On The Eve Of Distruction

7:21pm- Head out for a big night on the town. It’s New Year’s Eve and we’re doing it up right. Decide to wear oversized black feather headband to accentuate the 1920s vibe of the evening. On walk to restaurant, mistaken for trophy fowl. Hit in head with buckshot.

7:48pm- Partake of a glorious meal in only Istrian restaurant in Bay Area, Albona. Experience led by benevolent proprietor, Bruno, who discusses food and wine with the knowledgeable flair of Italian paisano. Completely bliss out from meal and turn into puddle in own seat. Boyfriend sops up mess that is me.

10:01pm- Step lively at Bimbo’s, enjoying an evening of swing dancing and drinks. Spot woman I think is Eva von Slut, a buxom pinup girl boyfriend and I have seen around the scene. Confident from drink, walk up and tap her on shoulder inquiring as to her identity. Here’s some unsolicited advices: asking someone if they are So-and-So von Slut when they are not gets your ass kicked.

11:16pm- Waiting in line for bathroom surrounded by mirrors and gabbling, chirping drunk girls, notice objectively that I have without question porked the fuck way up over past year. When I finally get my chance in the stall, I use it to give self never-ending swirlie. Drown in own urine and sorrows.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Nicest Airport In America

5:45am- Wake up way too early for flight. Friend drives me to Hilo airport. I am pleasantly surprised by service, professionalism and efficiency of the entire ATA crew. It’s not your ordinary cattle-probing, corralling international airport. So few flights means so few people and therefore we can all treat each other with dignity. This doesn’t mean my plane doesn’t crash however.

3:10pm- Arrive home and run into arms of loving boyfriend who was missed during trip as he stands at top of stairs romantically holding a dozen roses. A dozen very thorny roses that pierce flesh upon embrace. My last moment is spent in his arms, berating him for not pruning.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Worlds Collide In Hilo

11:31am- In pleasant coincidence, make plans to see friends from mainland who happen to be out for vacation. Drive together to Lava Tree State Park to view phenomenon where hot lava has rushed in surrounding large wet trees and then left behind perfect hardened replicas of what tree used to be. While ambling through park, another wave of lava comes barreling through. Fricassee’d Pompeii-style.

2:04pm- Take a dip in a volcanically heated hot pond called Ahalanui. On way down to pond, fail to read sign outlining rules and cautions. Aware of my constant state of fear, friend withholds very important information so that I might enjoy self for few minutes. The information? Angry, hungry, blood-lusting eels navigate these waters. Eaten in a hurry.

8:27pm- Have final-night thank-you dinner at delicious Thai restaurant in Volcano called Thai Thai. Over-order. Over-eat. Over-extend stomach sack which bursts sending colorful fountain of savory contents up into air. I try to re-consume before going unconscious.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, December 25, 2006

White Sand Christmas

8:19am- Mele kalikimaka! Wake up. Open gifts. Friends’ son poops on floor. Looks like it’s another E.Coli Christmas.

3:12pm- Hike 20 minutes to get to secret beach. Halfway there body consumed by exhaustion. I thought this was a vacation.

3:22pm- Arrive at the most beautiful and secluded beach yet and meet up with friends’ friends from previous night. Wade out in the water. At dusk. While wearing a shiny watch. I hear all of these things are what they tell you not to do otherwise you attract sharks. “They” are right.

4:49pm- Flop down on beach to watch sun set while eating summer sausage and cheese on crackers. I feel a few bugs bite my back. Tell my friend I’m getting bit. She says, “yeah, me too.” But when I get up to gather more summer sausage she screams because my entire back is covered in splotchy red welts. Succumb to Jungle Fever.

5:21pm- Hiking back to car to escape ravenous beach-dwelling insects, spot a small collection of gravestones. With a view of the ocean shaded by palm trees, it’s the prettiest place to be dead. Decide to join them.

6:06pm- On way home, stop at drug store to buy antihistamine to lessen itch of bites. Store only has children’s brand, meaning I should take less because it’s concentrated. I misunderstand thinking it would be less potent if it’s for kids (what do I know about such things?) Chug ½ of bottle. OD.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Here Comes Satan-Claus

9:13am- Wander around Kona farmer’s market admiring delicious fruits and vegetables I’m too shy to purchase. Inhale their sweet scents instead, along with tropical spore previously unknown to effect humans. During autopsy, doctors coin it Mad Mango Disease due to my succulent orangey pulp of a brain.

11:00am- Make pilgrimage to Kona Brewing Company to indulge on deliciously greasy pizza. In rare event, also order beer. Am drunk and engorged with white flour crust all before noon. Slip into high-carb coma. Friends pull plug.

1:54pm- Frolick and splash at Waialea beach (aka: Beach 69). Waves crash around us as me and friends navigate unseen lava boulders beneath the water’s surface. Mistaking one such boulder for oversized carnivorous fish, freak out, slip on rock, get pummeled by wave, manage to drag self up onto beach sputtering and spent. Hit on head by falling coconut.

2:31pm- Drive back across island up through picturesque Waimea area famous for its Paniolo cowboys. Shot in head by stray arrow.

3:49pm- Drop best friend off at airport. Don’t want to see her leave. Clutch her ankle as she drags me across pavement. It’s not as bad as if I was hanging onto bumper of speeding car, but still, internal injuries are amassed.

4:01pm- Travel back to friends’ house to prep for Christmas Eve feast. They are set to receive 20 or so guests, mostly made up of work friends orphaned on the island for the holidays. Lamb is prepared. Deep fried turkey as well. The feast begins. Toasts are made. Merriment is had. Knives are flying. I get stabbed in the eye before being mistaken for Roast Beast.

8:44pm- Feel shy. Turn into wallflower. Friends forget to water me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Tubular Breathing

12:34pm- Meander over to the Kona side of island. On the way stop at Hana Hou CafĂ©, the most southern restaurant in the United States. Pre-order slice of Macadamia-Nut pie to ensure they don’t run out by time we’re ready for dessert. At end of meal, informed that regardless of our request, patron purchased whole pie, which happened to also be last pie. Throw fit. Am subdued by two local characters while waitress smothers face with only slightly-less-delicious coconut cream pie. Suffocate.

1:02pm- Stop off at Honaunau Place of Refuge National Park. Story goes, that if people who had committed crimes could get to this spot before fellow villagers got to them, they could not be prosecuted or more typically, killed. This old mare ain’t what she used to be. Don’t even get out of the starting blocks before I’m captured. My crime? Continued pouting over Mac-Nut pie.

1:49pm- All set to swim. Arrive at Two-Step, a top snorkeling spot on the Big Island. Step down two rocky steps into water only to find out that snorkeling is more difficult than I remember. Especially with deep water and waves crashing you back towards rocks. Finally get mask on, only to have it fog up immediately. Attacked by something, not sure what. But it was big.

1:59pm- Finally get hang of this whole underwater breathing business. Swim and splash around, fish-gazing, yet careful not to lose sight of friend guiding me. Spot sea turtle. Ecstatic, beeline in its direction to get closer look (but not too close, concerned hippies!) Friend points off to my right. I turn. It’s another turtle. Much closer. Much TOO close. I scream through snorkel tube. Upon inhale ingest perhaps 20 gallons of seawater. Drown.

5:12pm- Drink my first bowl of kava. Like marijuana, it causes mild paranoia at first. Of course this is exacerbated by my trio of friends not partaking, yet staring. Three sips in, assume I have overdosed. Assumptions prove prescient.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It

10:49am- I love plate tectonics and I love volcanoes so friend takes us on tour of Volcanoes National Park. Our first trail, called Sulphur Banks, has us traversing land where cracks spew noxious yellow clouds of gas. Fascinated, I lean too far over. Face poached like overpriced egg at Ritz-Carlton Sunday brunch.

11:00am- While walking along trail, friend grabs 3 berries from shrub and instructs us to try them. Concerned they are poisonous, but standing atop active volcano, decide to throw caution to wind. Eat berry. Pecked to death by Nene, or Hawaiian goose. Appears this is their main food staple during breeding season.

2:14pm- Lava tubes! Lava tubes! Walk through this exciting natural phenomenon only to trip in dark, pass out and drown in inch-deep water.

5:38pm- Hike out onto hardened lava fields just before sunset to watch fresh lava spew all fiery orange and molten into Ocean right before eyes. Walking over glassy-sharp lava with limited light source expectantly difficult. Trip over laces of new hiking shoes, slip down crack. Bloodied, but alive, am left to fend for self by friends.

6:10pm- Sitting atop cooled rock enjoying a hiker’s dinner and watching lava show, am reminded that just that afternoon a warning had been issued that 55-acre lava shelf collapse was imminent. The same shelf on which I am now perched. Sploosh!

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Sweetarts Hit Mostly Sour Notes

12:30pm- After last night’s cocktail of Xanax and wine, body goes into toxic shock. Worried that I have not stirred all morning, friends come in to room to check that I am still breathing. I am not.

1:48pm- Drive into the quaint little town of Hilo for lunch and acclimation. Stop off at farmer’s market and spot what I think are lychee nuts, but in fact I am told, are the ever more visually enticing and exotic rombutans. Buy bag-full and attempt to peel the first one. Fat squirming alien creature bursts forth, attaching itself viciously to neck. Inserts inch-long fangs into jugular. Guess I am the exotic fruit today.

2:33pm- Saunter into garden supply store so friend can purchase machete for husband as Christmas gift. As dear reader can imagine, salesperson’s overenthusiastic demonstration goes awry.

3:01pm- Friend exhibits her 10-month-old child’s potty-training method called Elimination Communication. It involves no diapers. Simply make hissing noise in child’s ear while holding them in pee-ready position in discreet location. Hissing noise causes me to pee own self. Unfortunately, am not in discreet location. Carted off to jail only to contract jungle rot from dampened underwear.

3:12pm- Take walk through beautiful, Japanese-inspired Lili'uokalani gardens overlooking Hilo Bay and Coconut Island. Gaze out past picture-perfect rainbow to see 5-story-tall wall of water surging towards shore. Damn you, tsunami!

4:19pm- Indulge upon dragon fruit ice cream. But what I thought was fruit is indeed adorable baby dragon. Mother of sacrificed delicacy swoops down from sky incinerating me on sight.

6:09pm- Meet up with friend’s husband as he and friends play lively game of ultimate Frisbee. All that running around causes me to have heart attack in their honor.

9:11pm- Grab drink at bar featuring the band, Sweetarts. Are all arrested for bringing baby into bar. This time in jail, am turned into bitch by what could be described as “overly-voluptuous” Samoan woman. Suffocated during lovemaking.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Lesser-Known Malevolent Spirits of Aloha

7:10pm- Arrive at airport. Plan is to meet best friend at gate as she has flown in from LA so we can continue on together to Big Island. Spot her at gate. Start to run over to greet her. Trip over small child. Impaled on business man’s luggage handle.

8:19pm- Forgo food in favor of alcohol before boarding plane figuring 5 ½ hour flight will warrant at least complimentary ½ sandwich or snack-pack. Wrong! Am forced to purchase (with credit card no less—cash not accepted) tube of Pringles potato chips, a “food” I haven’t consumed since 5th grade. Trans fats surge right to aorta setting up thick, viscous camp which disallows blood to flow properly to heart.

9:45pm- Halfway over Pacific Ocean, plane breaks apart ala “Lost.” Once on the mysterious island, my plotline is not interesting enough to be featured on show. My character is merely panned over during group shots until I am captured by The Others. Nobody notices.

11:20pm- Land safely in Hilo, Hawai’i, but sadly am not lei’d upon disembarkation of plane. Try to find someone to complain to, but am ambushed by cannibalistic hula troupe.

11: 34pm- Greet old college friends and their baby. Get into car and drive up side of Kilauea volcano towards their house. Angered by my impertinence, Pele rains down shower of molten lava to thwart my ascent. Fried to Pringles-like crisp.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Menace To Society

9:14am- In meeting with client who asks if everyone got the corporate Christmas present she sent. I say no, to which she points out that due to legal issues, I, as contractor, am ineligible for company-logo-laden umbrella. Legal issues? Over an umbrella? That kills me!

10:36am- In another meeting with different clients, one of whom utters the phrase, “brown hole.” Everyone looks over at her aghast and taking her place, I’m the one who dies of embarrassment.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Naptime! Naptime! Naptime! See? It’s Annoying.

8:45am- See big, fat old minivan driving next to me in double turn lane. Something atop van catches eye. It is tiniest baby Christmas tree EVER! And it’s strapped down with bungee cords as if it is twin sister of giant Rockefeller Center tree. Laugh so hard, miss turn and slam car into cement truck. That’s what makes the holidays worth it!

1:45pm- Every workday after lunch I must pass security guard and swipe official corporate ID card. Every workday after lunch I must endure said security guard inquire, “Back from lunch?” To which I exasperatedly reply, “Er, (awkward pause) yeah.” To which he then shouts out, “Naptime!” The worst part (and the part that got me sent to the electric chair after being convicted of his murder) is that he then does the whole damn song and dance with people coming in from lunch behind me. There are 300 people in my building. I rest case.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Hack Attack

3:13pm- Wear frumpy sweater to work. Look like woman of a certain age who has given up on self after nasty divorce. Become invisible to coworkers and rest of society. Fade off into oblivion.

7:44pm- Go out for monthly Special Dinner with boyfriend at Maharani. Order something loaded up with dry, twiggy herbs which have propensity for embedding selves right around epiglottal area. Start to gag like cat on fur ball. Mucus created from mixture of spices and herbal obstruction blocks windpipe.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

That Will Teach Him (Not To Date Psycho)

9:49am- In fight with boyfriend, asked to back car out of garage so he can drive off in his own car and hate me elsewhere. So mad while backing up hill, realize if I take foot off brake I can ram right into guardrail and make him feel responsible for death. So I do.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Unbalanced Meal

7:06pm- Eat strangest dinner ever: 3 strips turkey bacon / 1 handful pomegranate seeds. Body self-destructs.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

On Golden Pond Of Blood

9:02am- Driving to work after visit to chiropractor. Gigantic semi next to me going exact same speed. Makes me nervous. Try to speed up, truck speeds up. Try to slow down, truck slows down. While I try to figure out new tactic, get distracted, crash into car in front of me.

5:15pm- Stop by Sharper Image after work to buy gift for Toys For Tots fundraising event. Man who rings me up then walks me to door, opens it for me and says, “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Jane Fonda at her best?” Flattered, walk out of store with extra spring in step where I am then shot by angry Vietnam vet mistaking me for Hanoi Jane.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Who Dunnit This Time?

7:34pm- Attend friend's birthday party with Murder/Mystery theme. You can guess how that turned out.

Other than that, pretty good day.