10:02am- Decide to put "howidiedtoday" on hiatus due to fact that I am guiltily obsessed with my new blog called Travel Betty. Since travel is my ultimate passion and I have been doing a lot of it lately, figure I can share insight with like-minded independent travelers. (readers so inclined can find me at www.travel-betty.com)
11:16am- Make peace with self for hiatus decision because this blog started out of need to overcome anxiety disorder and now I feel about 50% better (thanks mostly to reader support and ability to turn fears into humor).
12:12pm- Envision creating self-published book entitled "How I Died Today: A Year In Review" complete with deliciously devilish photographs as soon as I figure out how to use my camera a little better.
2:30pm- Feel grateful for all the people who have been reading howidiedtoday all this time. Whenever I felt like throwing in the towel in the past (or throttling self with it), seeing that sitemeter counter clicking and reading your comments really kept me going. Thanks a lot!
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
Obelisk Obscenity
11:32am- Boyfriend must drag me kicking and screaming from M.S. Eugenie. Don’t want to leave behind such a beautiful ship. Don’t want to leave behind the gun-toting tourist police with their adorable blue and white sailor costumes. And I certainly don’t want to leave behind my daiquiris. At last minute, escape boyfriend's grasp but the force sends me flying right into water. Hit head on bow and drown.
11:45am- New tour guide, Emad, picks us up and drives us to explore High Dam. Notice small stress fracture on side of dam wall. Grows bigger as I make run for it. Never was swift runner.
1:01pm- On way to Aswan, Emad then takes us to see Unfinished Obelisk. Make boyfriend pose so looks like obelisk is penis. He is not amused. I am, uproariously so. Suspicious, guard confiscates camera, sees picture and executes me on the spot.
Other than that, pretty good day.
11:45am- New tour guide, Emad, picks us up and drives us to explore High Dam. Notice small stress fracture on side of dam wall. Grows bigger as I make run for it. Never was swift runner.
1:01pm- On way to Aswan, Emad then takes us to see Unfinished Obelisk. Make boyfriend pose so looks like obelisk is penis. He is not amused. I am, uproariously so. Suspicious, guard confiscates camera, sees picture and executes me on the spot.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Don’t Forget To Knock
10:10am- Time aboard M.S. Eugenie is almost coming to end and I am sad. Mostly because I have yet to use the ship’s Turkish bath, or even see it for that matter. Decide to remedy the situation. Find its location and bust open door revealing half-naked ship’s doctor. Embarrassed, fall backwards and hit head on door jam. Even doctor’s skillful hands cannot put cranium back together again.
12:30pm- Gorge self on delicious food. Perf stomach lining. Return to buffet line for more.
Other than that, pretty good day.
12:30pm- Gorge self on delicious food. Perf stomach lining. Return to buffet line for more.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Sailing Takes Me Away
9:14am- Sail on to the Tomb of Penout. Reconstructed in a new location after the High Dam was built to flood the Nile and create Lake Nasser. Everything transferred except the bodies. Tomb guardian informs me they are looking for new bodies and I am prime candidate.
7:30pm- Fancy dinner about M.S. Eugenie. Tonight is set menu featuring fish. Of course I don’t eat fish, so request alternate dish. The waiter says it will be no problem and it isn’t. That's just the kind of service they provide here. Regardless, end up chocking on giant piece of steak improperly chewed.
9:04pm- Go up to top deck to gaze at stars. The millions of twinkling lights appear to be falling down on top of me. And so they are. Sucked into black hole.
Other than that, pretty good day.
7:30pm- Fancy dinner about M.S. Eugenie. Tonight is set menu featuring fish. Of course I don’t eat fish, so request alternate dish. The waiter says it will be no problem and it isn’t. That's just the kind of service they provide here. Regardless, end up chocking on giant piece of steak improperly chewed.
9:04pm- Go up to top deck to gaze at stars. The millions of twinkling lights appear to be falling down on top of me. And so they are. Sucked into black hole.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Hardships Of A Lake Nasser Cruise
4:44am- Wake up at ass-crack of dawn to see sunrise over Abu Simbel temples. In pitch blackness, am ushered into dinghy to be taken ashore. Unable to see, slip on dinghy bow and plunge into the drink where I am again eaten by crocodile-shaped bread loaf with toothpick teeth.
5:56am- Unspectacular sunrise diffuses rays through scattered cloud cover. Kick small pile of rocks in frustration. Rocks turn out to be family of scorpions even madder than me for being up this early.
12:34pm- Relax on boat. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax in cabin. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax on sundeck. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Fall asleep on sundeck. Sunstroke.
Other than that, pretty good day.
5:56am- Unspectacular sunrise diffuses rays through scattered cloud cover. Kick small pile of rocks in frustration. Rocks turn out to be family of scorpions even madder than me for being up this early.
12:34pm- Relax on boat. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax in cabin. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax on sundeck. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Fall asleep on sundeck. Sunstroke.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Monday, April 09, 2007
No Complaints
11:39am- Board M.S. Eugenie for magical cruise across Lake Nasser. Check into room and walk out onto private balcony, slip and fall overboard.
7:41pm- Tinkling dinner bell rung to alert us that sumptuous feast is now available. Like Pavlov’s dog, hurry out of cabin letting nose guide me to the location. Once there I am awed by the selection of food, as well as the presentation. Mountains of fresh, colorful vegetables. Spits of roast meats. There are even loaves of bread shaped like crocodiles with toothpicks for teeth. These prove to be even more realistic than originally thought.
8:08pm- Boat docks so that we have view of lighted Abu Simbel temples while we eat. Die and go to heaven.
Other than that, pretty good day.
7:41pm- Tinkling dinner bell rung to alert us that sumptuous feast is now available. Like Pavlov’s dog, hurry out of cabin letting nose guide me to the location. Once there I am awed by the selection of food, as well as the presentation. Mountains of fresh, colorful vegetables. Spits of roast meats. There are even loaves of bread shaped like crocodiles with toothpicks for teeth. These prove to be even more realistic than originally thought.
8:08pm- Boat docks so that we have view of lighted Abu Simbel temples while we eat. Die and go to heaven.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Abu Simbel Airport Carousel Hell
5:01am- Holy crap! First flight on Egypt Air. Haven’t even taken off yet and am already in trouble. As we taxi down runway, plane jostles from side to side with such force that entire overhead compartment is shaken loose. Crushed by my own carry-on bag.
8:33am- Land in Abu Simbel. Aside from Great Pyramids, this is structure I have most dreamed of seeing. Of course before we even collect our bags, cuff of my khaki pant leg gets caught up in the baggage carousel. Pulled back around through those creepy plastic flaps to what I have always feared lives on the other side of them: lions!
4:17pm- Finally make way over to temple after sleeping through most of day. Enter the Great Temple at Abu Simbel. For two minutes, am only visitor inside vast complex. Pretend I am pharaoh. Wave to subjects and walk around haughtily. Real pharaoh shows his displeasure by crushing me under granite column.
Other than that, pretty good day.
8:33am- Land in Abu Simbel. Aside from Great Pyramids, this is structure I have most dreamed of seeing. Of course before we even collect our bags, cuff of my khaki pant leg gets caught up in the baggage carousel. Pulled back around through those creepy plastic flaps to what I have always feared lives on the other side of them: lions!
4:17pm- Finally make way over to temple after sleeping through most of day. Enter the Great Temple at Abu Simbel. For two minutes, am only visitor inside vast complex. Pretend I am pharaoh. Wave to subjects and walk around haughtily. Real pharaoh shows his displeasure by crushing me under granite column.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Shopping Hazardous To Health
2:44pm- After a pleasant morning spent bopping around Coptic Cairo (the Christian section), even visiting a cave under a church where the Virgin Mary and her son, the baby Jesus allegedly spent some time, find out that guided tour through the famously crazy-assed Khan el-Khalili market is no longer going to be guided. Thrust into the chaos alone with only wit and a camera, am immediately swallowed up by crowd and shat back out other side.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Artifact Attack
10:02am- The Cairo Museum, although filled with vast amounts of delightful treasures and mummies, is a complete madhouse! Try squeezing way in to see the various pieces encased in glass, but am thwarted by thick bands of Japanese and Italian tourists. Feeling huffy, I push past an old lady with perhaps a bit too much vigor. She turns and swats me in the head with bag filled with newly purchased alabaster vases. Blood splatters upon the deftly chiseled faces of bygone pharaohs.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Worship While You Walk
11:13am- Spend a delightful day around Islamic Cairo. Visit my first mosque and then my second and third. They are all beautiful and serene, but like churches, start to blend together after a while. The call to prayer is strange and exciting. Listening to it, I fall into a trance which leads me to believe (incorrectly) that I can cross a Cairene roadway without getting run over.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Pharaoh’s Curse
9:04am- Get my ticket to climb up into Great Pyramid and head towards the tiny hole acting as door. Halfway up steeply inclined walkway, bent over and wedged in with a hundred other tourists, I lose my footing. This causes a pandemonium within the tiny passageway. Kicked, punched, stepped on. Am finally trampled to death by German.
8:14pm- Dressed in same clothes I traveled in for two days thanks to baggage mishandling in Paris. Wear underwear inside out desperate for some semblance of cleanliness. All for naught. By end of day after being forced to use toilets lacking paper, have contracted lethal vaginal infection.
Other than that, pretty good day.
8:14pm- Dressed in same clothes I traveled in for two days thanks to baggage mishandling in Paris. Wear underwear inside out desperate for some semblance of cleanliness. All for naught. By end of day after being forced to use toilets lacking paper, have contracted lethal vaginal infection.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Little Bladder In Big City
7:17pm- Land in Cairo sans luggage. Decide I don’t need to stop in bathroom before being driven through city filled with massive traffic, donkey carts and speed bumps. Drive takes much much longer than anticipated. Septic shock.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
No Joke
I can't believe that it's already time for me to start dying in Egypt. For the next 5 weeks I will surely be ingesting Nile parasites and accidentally skewering myself on kabobs. Fear not, I shall keep detailed notes from the trip and will report back all the gory details in May. Until then, keep your fingers out of light sockets.
Until death do us part...
Until death do us part...
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
That Was No Hound Dog
8:44pm- Open garage door, but dawdle around first before getting in car to leave for work. Neighbor with dog walks by and peeks in. Spotting my highly coveted Elvis bust, his eyes widen with jealousy. No time to run before rabid dog released from leash.
12:34pm- On way to job interview, sweat through freshly laundered shirt. So dehydrated, collapse to ground one block from destination.
Other than that, pretty good day.
12:34pm- On way to job interview, sweat through freshly laundered shirt. So dehydrated, collapse to ground one block from destination.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Monday, March 19, 2007
In The Clink
5:12pm- Find self in one of the finest police stations in all of San Francisco. They call it the Hall of Justice. I call it the Hall of Crazy Mutherfuckers. Of course I do that out loud which incites one of the crazys to charge at me with a whittled stick and an imaginary crossbow.
5:33pm- Denying my feminist heritage, flirt shamelessly with cute cop in order to curry favor in the ‘identity theft resolution’ department. We speak via telephone with a bulletproof glass partition between us, just like in the movies, except somehow now I am the prisoner and he is here to tell me that the governor has denied me my stay of execution. Dead man walking.
Other than that, pretty good day.
5:33pm- Denying my feminist heritage, flirt shamelessly with cute cop in order to curry favor in the ‘identity theft resolution’ department. We speak via telephone with a bulletproof glass partition between us, just like in the movies, except somehow now I am the prisoner and he is here to tell me that the governor has denied me my stay of execution. Dead man walking.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Revelation Too Late
7:13pm- Decide corned beef is the string cheese of meat. Translation: highly chokeable.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
You're Getting Freaky
10:02am- In order to deal with my generalized, yet debilitating anxiety disorder, fucking asshole losers trying to steal my identity and an IRS notification of gross underpayment of 2005 taxes, visit hypnotist on the recommendation of dear friend. Hypnotherapist uses soothing voice to count me down and relax me into desired state. Then she tells me I am so relaxed with eyes so heavy they will no longer work. She asks me to try to open them. I cannot. Freak the fuck out. Then regressed childhood memory of Freddy Kreuger enters this dreamstate and slices me to bits. So much for alternative healing.
11:02am- After alerting hypnotherapist of anxiety about working through my anxiety, she is able to calm me back down. By end of session, feel so euphoric, alive and optimistic that it just figures I’d walk outside and caught in rival gang crossfire.
Other than that, pretty good day.
11:02am- After alerting hypnotherapist of anxiety about working through my anxiety, she is able to calm me back down. By end of session, feel so euphoric, alive and optimistic that it just figures I’d walk outside and caught in rival gang crossfire.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Friday, March 02, 2007
Speak, I Command You
11:02am- Get unsuspecting focus group participant to say the name Larry Halpsberg during website utilization study. Having made name up, find this absolutely hilarious as I munch M&Ms behind one-way glass. Drunk on power. Autopsy concludes Blood-Power-Level 5 times legal limit.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Fall To Your Knees And Pray You'll Live
9:49pm- Meet friend for drinks after work. Have delightful conversation and then drive her home. She invites me in to see newly decorated house. While crossing street, trip over the smallest of pavement cracks. Knees bruised. Shins scrapped. Wrist tweaked. Only had one drink, dammit! Tiny pebble lodged in hand causes crazy infection and blood poisoning.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
When I Dip, You Dip, We Dip
8:19pm- Treat self to another series of spa treatments at Burke Williams Spa (previously mentioned buy-one-get-one coupons good for 2 visits). During paraffin dip portion of pedicure look down to note that wax-covered right foot appears cadaverous. Glance left, toe tag.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
You Spin Me Right Round, Baby
9:44am- Discover we are going to be overstaying standard tourist visa by 3 days while in Egypt. Decide to call consulate to see if we can get extended visa before departure. Even though I call on Saturday, man answers straight away. I like. Then we get in ridiculous conversation that swirls around and around without resolution. Dizzy, I trip over own feet and crash down stairs, neck broken.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Stuck Pig
8:19pm- Go to JC Penny’s to help boyfriend pick out suits for upcoming business trip to England. Every god-living shirt has like 92 bazilion straight pins secretly tucked inside just waiting to pierce my flesh. I come out of dressing room looking as if attacked by mass-murdering acupuncturist.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sorry Again, Fans
11:10am- Quit band. Immediately become uncool, unpopular, and unlovable. MC Hammer comes to read me last rites.
4:15pm- In a hurry to do good job, maintenance worker runs me over with giant cart of tools while I wait for elevator at work.
7:10pm- Having postponed Valentine’s plans with boyfriend in order to be good friend to girls I love, head out to dinner. Get caught in unexpected traffic on Embarcadero. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Inch forward at snail’s pace. Clutch foot grows weary. Blood boils.
Other than that, pretty good day.
4:15pm- In a hurry to do good job, maintenance worker runs me over with giant cart of tools while I wait for elevator at work.
7:10pm- Having postponed Valentine’s plans with boyfriend in order to be good friend to girls I love, head out to dinner. Get caught in unexpected traffic on Embarcadero. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Inch forward at snail’s pace. Clutch foot grows weary. Blood boils.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Et Tu, Beauty?
11:02am- Procure buy-one-get-one free coupon for treatments at Burke Williams Spa. Due to unforeseen circumstances, friend must cancel her treatment putting my own in jeopardy. Panic. Envision death of my simple dream, which is to have body rubbed with hot stones and various health-enhancing unguents. When you dreams die, what is there left to live for?
2:02pm- Am alerted to the untimely demise of feminist and role model, Anna Nicole Smith. Die of shock!
Other than that, pretty good day.
2:02pm- Am alerted to the untimely demise of feminist and role model, Anna Nicole Smith. Die of shock!
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Sorry, Fans
8:12am- Find out our mighty awesome band didn’t get into SXSW Music Festival. Crestfallen. Drooping chest and head cuts off air supply.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Bring Out Your Dead
4:12am- Carrot Top! Your grotesque Eric-Stoltz-in-Mask-like countenance haunts my nightmares. You have driven me to early grave!
9:01am- Wake up with what feels like hatchet cleaved between lobes of brain. Decide must just be hangover, but then notice pool of blood and wooden handle protruding from forehead.
11:12am- Graciously treated to buffet breakfast by friend of friend who won $1000. Unfortunately, it is Excalibur’s Buffet Breakfast which basically consists of slop buckets of gruel leftover from Middle Ages. Immune system fails to fight off time traveling parasites and microbes. Wooden card wheeled out to collect my putrefying remains.
11:30am- Ride the Luxor’s Inclinator one last time. It’s herky-jerky sideways motion causes me to lose footing and be trampled in stampede of people in hurry to checkout of hotel.
12:14pm- Enter the reconstructed burial place of Tutankhamen at Luxor Hotel & Casino. Mistaken for tomb raider and shot dead on the spot.
12:39pm- Discover a Little Caesar’s Pizza inside Luxor. Did anyone know those even still exist? Obviously, must order Crazy Bread with Crazy Sauce. The double whammy causes instant insanity. Scratch face down to bone. Onlookers horrified.
12:41pm- Am forced to listen to same clip of Artie-fucking-Lange promo over and over while enjoying aforementioned snack. Finally snap, bum-rush television screen and punch it with both fists. Lacerations so extensive, no doctor can staunch blood flow.
4:04pm- Determined to ignore any and all Super Bowl activities, am dragged against will to Sports Book at Mandalay Bay to meet up with boyfriend’s friends. After calling out, “why don’t you people all get a life?!” am tackled to the ground and bludgeoned.
6:12pm- Splurge for dinner with gigantic bacon cheddar cheeseburger and greasy steak fries. Heart attack.
7:18pm- Use my Player’s Club Card chips from previous night to either make it or break it at Blackjack table. Break it. Become hobo. Untimely death-by-overdose goes unacknowledged on the harsh streets of Sin City.
9:02pm- Stand in line at airport security acting critical of every stupid ass who gets up to the X-ray machine and then doesn’t have a clue what to do next. Like, hello? Have you ever flown before or read a damn sign, you fucking waste of meat?! When it comes to my turn, I have jacket off, shoes off, belt off, all set to go. Oh wait! My LIQUIDS! They’re stuffed somewhere in my bag. Zip, zip, unzip, shuffle, zip…where ARE they? Finally find them after holding up line for 2 minutes. Egg on face. Suffocate.
10:44pm- Fly back to SFO without aid of Xanax, making me fully aware of plummeting to death once plane loses wing. Wheeee!
Other than that, pretty good day.
9:01am- Wake up with what feels like hatchet cleaved between lobes of brain. Decide must just be hangover, but then notice pool of blood and wooden handle protruding from forehead.
11:12am- Graciously treated to buffet breakfast by friend of friend who won $1000. Unfortunately, it is Excalibur’s Buffet Breakfast which basically consists of slop buckets of gruel leftover from Middle Ages. Immune system fails to fight off time traveling parasites and microbes. Wooden card wheeled out to collect my putrefying remains.
11:30am- Ride the Luxor’s Inclinator one last time. It’s herky-jerky sideways motion causes me to lose footing and be trampled in stampede of people in hurry to checkout of hotel.
12:14pm- Enter the reconstructed burial place of Tutankhamen at Luxor Hotel & Casino. Mistaken for tomb raider and shot dead on the spot.
12:39pm- Discover a Little Caesar’s Pizza inside Luxor. Did anyone know those even still exist? Obviously, must order Crazy Bread with Crazy Sauce. The double whammy causes instant insanity. Scratch face down to bone. Onlookers horrified.
12:41pm- Am forced to listen to same clip of Artie-fucking-Lange promo over and over while enjoying aforementioned snack. Finally snap, bum-rush television screen and punch it with both fists. Lacerations so extensive, no doctor can staunch blood flow.
4:04pm- Determined to ignore any and all Super Bowl activities, am dragged against will to Sports Book at Mandalay Bay to meet up with boyfriend’s friends. After calling out, “why don’t you people all get a life?!” am tackled to the ground and bludgeoned.
6:12pm- Splurge for dinner with gigantic bacon cheddar cheeseburger and greasy steak fries. Heart attack.
7:18pm- Use my Player’s Club Card chips from previous night to either make it or break it at Blackjack table. Break it. Become hobo. Untimely death-by-overdose goes unacknowledged on the harsh streets of Sin City.
9:02pm- Stand in line at airport security acting critical of every stupid ass who gets up to the X-ray machine and then doesn’t have a clue what to do next. Like, hello? Have you ever flown before or read a damn sign, you fucking waste of meat?! When it comes to my turn, I have jacket off, shoes off, belt off, all set to go. Oh wait! My LIQUIDS! They’re stuffed somewhere in my bag. Zip, zip, unzip, shuffle, zip…where ARE they? Finally find them after holding up line for 2 minutes. Egg on face. Suffocate.
10:44pm- Fly back to SFO without aid of Xanax, making me fully aware of plummeting to death once plane loses wing. Wheeee!
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
The Day After
12:20am- Determined to be the good girlfriend who indulges boyfriend with view of breasts-not-my-own, arrive at the Forty Deuce in Mandalay Bay. What is billed as Burlesque turns out to be warmed over drill team dancing with tops on, thank you. Mid-performance, dancer smashes lightbulb with 5-inch heel sending shrapnel flying into crowd. Seriously regret front row seat.
1:13am- Sitting at the video poker arena/bar inside the Luxor, boyfriend and I meet up with Steve the Conference-goer Guy. He’s from Long Island. He’s out on business. He’s got a loving family. And, as it turns out, a penchant for opportunistic, gore-filled murder sprees.
2:02am- Some douchebag named Artie Lange of Howard Stern fame is performing at Luxor. It’s an All-Douchebag bill apparently, seeing as how Carrot Top is squatting here as well. After his performance, Mr. Lange comes sauntering out of show with bimbo women draped upon his doughy frame. People pull out camera phones while he preens and poses in smugness. Appalled by this awkward dance of minor celebrity worship, I take off running towards his beer belly target. Hitting him square, we both knock to the ground where overreactive groupies descend, tearing me limb from limb.
11:46am- Adorable boyfriend wants to enjoy birthday lunch at Del Taco. Who am I to deny such a simple request? Order Nacho Supreme. Contract supreme case of E. Coli.
12:33pm- Riding “The Deuce” down the Las Vegas Strip. (No, not a euphemism, it is simply the new double-decker bus that drives so slowly, you’d think time has stood still.) Sit next to hugely irritating Southern girl who complains every split second, “We’re not even moving! Why aren’t we moving? *Sigh* *Sigh* God DAYY-MN it!” Unable to deal any longer, do Nestea plunge off doubled-deck.
1:32pm- Take elevator up to top of Stratosphere where I receive phone call from boyfriend’s birthday surprise. Excuse self to bathroom to return call and make secret plans to meet up in hour. To cover up for extended stay in bathroom while boyfriend waited impatiently, lie about sudden bought of intestinal distress. As punishment for dishonesty, fates sock me with fatal dose of irony.
1:42pm- Taking in awesome view of city while idiots put selves in peril on various “thrill-rides” atop Stratosphere. Shake head in self-righteousness. Causes unexpected dizziness. Lose footing and plummet over 100 stories.
3:02pm- Arrive at Hilton so boyfriend can go hog-wild at Star Trek experience. Little does he know, best friend has flown in from Seattle to surprise him at Quark’s Bar. Get to bar, no sign of best friend. Awkwardly excuse self. Make frantic call. Go back to bar. Wait. Still no friend. Aneurysm.
3:14pm- Best friend and friend of best friend finally appear. Boyfriend’s face is total confusion. Suddenly, he makes connection. Face lights up like spotlight atop Luxor. Die happy.
3:33pm- Attacked by Borg.
4:19pm- Friend of best friend wins $1000 at video poker. Green with what I think is envy. Turns out to be meningitis.
5:01pm- Ready to party, order dry-ice-and-rum-filled Warp Core Breach at Quark's Bar. After three sips, am beamed to a planet far, far away where I am tasered for mixing sci-fi metaphors.
5:45pm- Get picture taken on deck of Enterprise. Boyfriend sits in Captain’s Chair with me and best friend flanking him for good measure. Attempting realism, play-act pressing buttons on control panel. Does not turn out well for anyone involved.
7:55pm- Attend Tournament of Kings dinner show at Excalibur (where signage proclaims, “I Rule!). Me + Mead + Jousting = Impalement
9:41pm- Am seduced into signing up for Casino Player’s Club Card. Kick self over and over causing massive blood clot.
11:02pm- Blurry-eyed and overly-intoxicated, run into Steve the Conference-goer Guy again. Damn, that is one business professional with an appetite for carnage.
Other than that, pretty good day.
1:13am- Sitting at the video poker arena/bar inside the Luxor, boyfriend and I meet up with Steve the Conference-goer Guy. He’s from Long Island. He’s out on business. He’s got a loving family. And, as it turns out, a penchant for opportunistic, gore-filled murder sprees.
2:02am- Some douchebag named Artie Lange of Howard Stern fame is performing at Luxor. It’s an All-Douchebag bill apparently, seeing as how Carrot Top is squatting here as well. After his performance, Mr. Lange comes sauntering out of show with bimbo women draped upon his doughy frame. People pull out camera phones while he preens and poses in smugness. Appalled by this awkward dance of minor celebrity worship, I take off running towards his beer belly target. Hitting him square, we both knock to the ground where overreactive groupies descend, tearing me limb from limb.
11:46am- Adorable boyfriend wants to enjoy birthday lunch at Del Taco. Who am I to deny such a simple request? Order Nacho Supreme. Contract supreme case of E. Coli.
12:33pm- Riding “The Deuce” down the Las Vegas Strip. (No, not a euphemism, it is simply the new double-decker bus that drives so slowly, you’d think time has stood still.) Sit next to hugely irritating Southern girl who complains every split second, “We’re not even moving! Why aren’t we moving? *Sigh* *Sigh* God DAYY-MN it!” Unable to deal any longer, do Nestea plunge off doubled-deck.
1:32pm- Take elevator up to top of Stratosphere where I receive phone call from boyfriend’s birthday surprise. Excuse self to bathroom to return call and make secret plans to meet up in hour. To cover up for extended stay in bathroom while boyfriend waited impatiently, lie about sudden bought of intestinal distress. As punishment for dishonesty, fates sock me with fatal dose of irony.
1:42pm- Taking in awesome view of city while idiots put selves in peril on various “thrill-rides” atop Stratosphere. Shake head in self-righteousness. Causes unexpected dizziness. Lose footing and plummet over 100 stories.
3:02pm- Arrive at Hilton so boyfriend can go hog-wild at Star Trek experience. Little does he know, best friend has flown in from Seattle to surprise him at Quark’s Bar. Get to bar, no sign of best friend. Awkwardly excuse self. Make frantic call. Go back to bar. Wait. Still no friend. Aneurysm.
3:14pm- Best friend and friend of best friend finally appear. Boyfriend’s face is total confusion. Suddenly, he makes connection. Face lights up like spotlight atop Luxor. Die happy.
3:33pm- Attacked by Borg.
4:19pm- Friend of best friend wins $1000 at video poker. Green with what I think is envy. Turns out to be meningitis.
5:01pm- Ready to party, order dry-ice-and-rum-filled Warp Core Breach at Quark's Bar. After three sips, am beamed to a planet far, far away where I am tasered for mixing sci-fi metaphors.
5:45pm- Get picture taken on deck of Enterprise. Boyfriend sits in Captain’s Chair with me and best friend flanking him for good measure. Attempting realism, play-act pressing buttons on control panel. Does not turn out well for anyone involved.
7:55pm- Attend Tournament of Kings dinner show at Excalibur (where signage proclaims, “I Rule!). Me + Mead + Jousting = Impalement
9:41pm- Am seduced into signing up for Casino Player’s Club Card. Kick self over and over causing massive blood clot.
11:02pm- Blurry-eyed and overly-intoxicated, run into Steve the Conference-goer Guy again. Damn, that is one business professional with an appetite for carnage.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Lordy, Lordy, Look Who Will Never Be 40
12:00 am- After checking in to Luxor Hotel & Casino in honor of impending Egypt trip, head to Mixx over at Mandalay Bay. On way up in glass elevator, boyfriend checks watch and remarks with the voice of one resigned, “Welp, I’m officially forty.” On cue, elevator plunges downward. At least he made it to forty. I, however, am forever 32.
10:21am- Indulge at Bellagio Buffet. Stuff self to point of suffocation. Not wanting good, gently-digested food to go to waste, Buffet staff slice open belly and display me at carving station.
12:13pm- At boyfriend’s request, visit Atomic Testing Museum. Do I even have to describe what happens here?
2:02pm- After engorging on radiation, attempt to head back to The Strip. Walk to Terrible’s Casino to catch cab. None show, which isn’t surprising considering name. Walk to bus stop. Try to wave down cabs while waiting for bus. Fellow bus waitee attempts to be helpful by pointing out hotel where cabs might be better caught. As we get just out of range of bus stop, bus appears. Attempt to run back towards it. Bus departs. Miffed, decide to walk. Walk fast enough to keep pace with bus caught in insane Vegas traffic. Feeling fit and healthy decide to just walk whole way. Overcome by exhaust fumes.
7:59pm- Take boyfriend to fancy meal at Eiffel Tower Restaurant at Paris Hotel & Casino. We dine while enjoying view of Bellagio fountains and each other’s countenances. Gamely order venison, which comes slightly browned, but basically raw. Eat it anyway to prove self to be true gourmet. Contract CWD, more commonly referred to as Chronic Wasting Disease, or if you're feeling trendy, Mad Deer.
Other than that, pretty good day.
10:21am- Indulge at Bellagio Buffet. Stuff self to point of suffocation. Not wanting good, gently-digested food to go to waste, Buffet staff slice open belly and display me at carving station.
12:13pm- At boyfriend’s request, visit Atomic Testing Museum. Do I even have to describe what happens here?
2:02pm- After engorging on radiation, attempt to head back to The Strip. Walk to Terrible’s Casino to catch cab. None show, which isn’t surprising considering name. Walk to bus stop. Try to wave down cabs while waiting for bus. Fellow bus waitee attempts to be helpful by pointing out hotel where cabs might be better caught. As we get just out of range of bus stop, bus appears. Attempt to run back towards it. Bus departs. Miffed, decide to walk. Walk fast enough to keep pace with bus caught in insane Vegas traffic. Feeling fit and healthy decide to just walk whole way. Overcome by exhaust fumes.
7:59pm- Take boyfriend to fancy meal at Eiffel Tower Restaurant at Paris Hotel & Casino. We dine while enjoying view of Bellagio fountains and each other’s countenances. Gamely order venison, which comes slightly browned, but basically raw. Eat it anyway to prove self to be true gourmet. Contract CWD, more commonly referred to as Chronic Wasting Disease, or if you're feeling trendy, Mad Deer.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
And So It Begins
6:54pm- First trip to Vegas on Frontier Airlines. Last trip to Vegas on Frontier Airlines.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Party On Without Me
7:22am- At crucial juncture of Egypt trip planning. Am impatiently awaiting reply from Cairo-based travel agent. Wake up and run to computer to check email. No message. Fly off handle. Into ditch. Populated with venomous snakes.
9:55pm- Throw party at Rickshaw Stop for boyfriend’s 40th birthday. Surrounded by lovely friends, we drink and dance and blow bubbles in honor of celebrant. Trying to keep suppressed throughout evening what will be an awesome weekend surprise, burst with anticipation.
Other than that, pretty good day.
9:55pm- Throw party at Rickshaw Stop for boyfriend’s 40th birthday. Surrounded by lovely friends, we drink and dance and blow bubbles in honor of celebrant. Trying to keep suppressed throughout evening what will be an awesome weekend surprise, burst with anticipation.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Frothing At The Foot
7:21am- After purchasing wrong-sized mattress and exchanging it for different size and more expensive style, sleep first night upon its pricey filler. Wake up next morning with back and bones aflame in searing hot white pain. Feels like shards of broken glass. Step out of bed, broken glass bones sever veins and skin.
7:31am- Step on scale. Surprisingly it notes 2 lb. loss. Just as I begin to pump fist in air victoriously, digital display reads “ERROR” and then goes blank. Hoping error is in my favor, step off and back on scale. This time notes 2 lb. gain. No error message displays. I repeat process. Still 2 lb. gain. Pissed, I get on backup scale, this one non-digital. It concurs with non-error findings of digital scale. Discouraged, rush to fridge and begin shoving every edible item into mouth. Then, accidentally shove in one non-edible thing.
1:21pm- Nonchalantly walking down sidewalk on way back to work after lunch. Come upon grate frothing grayish bubbles. Unable to navigate around grate, bubbles bind to shoes and pant cuffs digesting fabric and skin with acidic rage.
7:31pm- Receive email from friend alerting me to her enjoyment of blog. She closes by questioning my state of mental health. After brief evaluation, it is determined to be terminal.
Other than that, pretty good day.
7:31am- Step on scale. Surprisingly it notes 2 lb. loss. Just as I begin to pump fist in air victoriously, digital display reads “ERROR” and then goes blank. Hoping error is in my favor, step off and back on scale. This time notes 2 lb. gain. No error message displays. I repeat process. Still 2 lb. gain. Pissed, I get on backup scale, this one non-digital. It concurs with non-error findings of digital scale. Discouraged, rush to fridge and begin shoving every edible item into mouth. Then, accidentally shove in one non-edible thing.
1:21pm- Nonchalantly walking down sidewalk on way back to work after lunch. Come upon grate frothing grayish bubbles. Unable to navigate around grate, bubbles bind to shoes and pant cuffs digesting fabric and skin with acidic rage.
7:31pm- Receive email from friend alerting me to her enjoyment of blog. She closes by questioning my state of mental health. After brief evaluation, it is determined to be terminal.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Neighborly Visit
5:22pm- Pull car into garage and close door. Am too into song on radio to turn off engine. Continue listening while garage fills up with lethal dose of carbon monoxide. The song? Shamefully, Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body."
9:15pm- I'm sorry, neighbor, but could you have bought car that doesn't require 1/2 hour of revving just to drive it around block once before another 1/2 hour of revving is required? No? And now you're smashing me over head with tire iron? Oh, okay, my bad.
Other than that, pretty good day.
9:15pm- I'm sorry, neighbor, but could you have bought car that doesn't require 1/2 hour of revving just to drive it around block once before another 1/2 hour of revving is required? No? And now you're smashing me over head with tire iron? Oh, okay, my bad.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Calgon Takes Me Away
3:44pm- Go for walk with friend. She insists on crossing street against light, which is scary enough. End up on island made of cobblestones amidst speeding traffic zooming past in both directions. Trying to navigate around lamp post, lose footing and fall beneath wheel of impatient driver's car. Crunch.
8:04pm- At 32, still rightfully afraid of being home alone and darkness. Take nice hot relaxing bath with oodles of perfumed bubbles. Tori Amos croons on stereo. As soon as head is dunked beneath surface, boogeyman comes running out from shadows slicing open belly with knife.
Other than that, pretty good day.
8:04pm- At 32, still rightfully afraid of being home alone and darkness. Take nice hot relaxing bath with oodles of perfumed bubbles. Tori Amos croons on stereo. As soon as head is dunked beneath surface, boogeyman comes running out from shadows slicing open belly with knife.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Great Mattress Caper
5:34pm- After enduring over year of terrible back pain, finally break down and buy new mattress. Excitement mounts as I imagine self sleeping pain-free on soft, squishy, expensive new fluff and cloth. Delivery men bring up mattress and set it upon frame. Does not fit. Mistakenly thought I owned queen-sized bed, when all I have is double. Back starts to spasm. The prize so tantalizingly close. Sensing weakness, delivery men tie me up, rob place, kill me because I can identify them, wrap me in old mattress and throw me in back of truck. Bottom line, buying new mattress is nothing but hassle.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Goodbye, Cruel World
3:12pm- Out of blue, receive email message from married co-worker/client that seems strangely suggestive. Having only met him twice for short period of time, do not understand why he would feel comfortable acting in such familiar way. Call another co-worker/friend over to desk to read email and confirm suspicions of creepiness. She concurs. Just then we look up and see perv lurking around corner. He comes running at me with butcher knife. "If I can't have you, nobody can."
5:02pm- Walking to bus stop after work, still frazzled by email incident. Pass young boy with clipboard. He starts walking towards me. "Ma'am?" Shake head and smile saying no thanks to whatever great offer he has available. He starts screaming at top of lungs. "Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch. Motherfucking bitch! You're nothing but a fucking bitch." Totally shocked, I stop dead in tracks. Anger wells up from deep inside, burning hotter than anything felt in long time. Literally cooked from inside. Boy continues to berate charred corpse.
5:24pm- Get on bus. People are being downright rude. Pushing. Swearing. Yelling. Even a blind woman isn’t spared shove or two. What is it with people today? Look around at all these angry, dejected faces. Give up hope for humanity. Have mental breakdown. Devoured like felled game on open plains of hot savannah.
6:01pm- Finally home, neighbor (ADULT neighbor) playing with remote control car right outside window. Car makes incessant buzzing noise like mosquito on steroids with bullhorn held directly to eardrum. Stick head in oven. I've had it, people.
Other than that, pretty good day.
5:02pm- Walking to bus stop after work, still frazzled by email incident. Pass young boy with clipboard. He starts walking towards me. "Ma'am?" Shake head and smile saying no thanks to whatever great offer he has available. He starts screaming at top of lungs. "Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch. Motherfucking bitch! You're nothing but a fucking bitch." Totally shocked, I stop dead in tracks. Anger wells up from deep inside, burning hotter than anything felt in long time. Literally cooked from inside. Boy continues to berate charred corpse.
5:24pm- Get on bus. People are being downright rude. Pushing. Swearing. Yelling. Even a blind woman isn’t spared shove or two. What is it with people today? Look around at all these angry, dejected faces. Give up hope for humanity. Have mental breakdown. Devoured like felled game on open plains of hot savannah.
6:01pm- Finally home, neighbor (ADULT neighbor) playing with remote control car right outside window. Car makes incessant buzzing noise like mosquito on steroids with bullhorn held directly to eardrum. Stick head in oven. I've had it, people.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Blog Anniversary Mayhem
11:11am- Pull up blog. Notice I have been dying tragically and publicly for exactly one year now. Body goes into shock when I realize my capacity to commit. And when I make pact with self to continue blogging, heart stops dead.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Other than that, pretty good day.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Dumb, Drunk & Disoriented
1:43am- Too many Jack and diets. Don’t…remember…no…cabs…get in stranger’s car…separated from boyfriend…ummm, not good.
4:14am- After harrowing ordeal unfolded over course of many hours, finally make way home only to find boyfriend still missing. Worries, angry and drunk, venture back out to save him. Never heard from again.
Other than that, pretty good day.
4:14am- After harrowing ordeal unfolded over course of many hours, finally make way home only to find boyfriend still missing. Worries, angry and drunk, venture back out to save him. Never heard from again.
Other than that, pretty good day.
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