Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Party On Without Me

7:22am- At crucial juncture of Egypt trip planning. Am impatiently awaiting reply from Cairo-based travel agent. Wake up and run to computer to check email. No message. Fly off handle. Into ditch. Populated with venomous snakes.

9:55pm- Throw party at Rickshaw Stop for boyfriend’s 40th birthday. Surrounded by lovely friends, we drink and dance and blow bubbles in honor of celebrant. Trying to keep suppressed throughout evening what will be an awesome weekend surprise, burst with anticipation.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Frothing At The Foot

7:21am- After purchasing wrong-sized mattress and exchanging it for different size and more expensive style, sleep first night upon its pricey filler. Wake up next morning with back and bones aflame in searing hot white pain. Feels like shards of broken glass. Step out of bed, broken glass bones sever veins and skin.

7:31am- Step on scale. Surprisingly it notes 2 lb. loss. Just as I begin to pump fist in air victoriously, digital display reads “ERROR” and then goes blank. Hoping error is in my favor, step off and back on scale. This time notes 2 lb. gain. No error message displays. I repeat process. Still 2 lb. gain. Pissed, I get on backup scale, this one non-digital. It concurs with non-error findings of digital scale. Discouraged, rush to fridge and begin shoving every edible item into mouth. Then, accidentally shove in one non-edible thing.

1:21pm- Nonchalantly walking down sidewalk on way back to work after lunch. Come upon grate frothing grayish bubbles. Unable to navigate around grate, bubbles bind to shoes and pant cuffs digesting fabric and skin with acidic rage.

7:31pm- Receive email from friend alerting me to her enjoyment of blog. She closes by questioning my state of mental health. After brief evaluation, it is determined to be terminal.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Neighborly Visit

5:22pm- Pull car into garage and close door. Am too into song on radio to turn off engine. Continue listening while garage fills up with lethal dose of carbon monoxide. The song? Shamefully, Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body."

9:15pm- I'm sorry, neighbor, but could you have bought car that doesn't require 1/2 hour of revving just to drive it around block once before another 1/2 hour of revving is required? No? And now you're smashing me over head with tire iron? Oh, okay, my bad.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Calgon Takes Me Away

3:44pm- Go for walk with friend. She insists on crossing street against light, which is scary enough. End up on island made of cobblestones amidst speeding traffic zooming past in both directions. Trying to navigate around lamp post, lose footing and fall beneath wheel of impatient driver's car. Crunch.

8:04pm- At 32, still rightfully afraid of being home alone and darkness. Take nice hot relaxing bath with oodles of perfumed bubbles. Tori Amos croons on stereo. As soon as head is dunked beneath surface, boogeyman comes running out from shadows slicing open belly with knife.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Great Mattress Caper

5:34pm- After enduring over year of terrible back pain, finally break down and buy new mattress. Excitement mounts as I imagine self sleeping pain-free on soft, squishy, expensive new fluff and cloth. Delivery men bring up mattress and set it upon frame. Does not fit. Mistakenly thought I owned queen-sized bed, when all I have is double. Back starts to spasm. The prize so tantalizingly close. Sensing weakness, delivery men tie me up, rob place, kill me because I can identify them, wrap me in old mattress and throw me in back of truck. Bottom line, buying new mattress is nothing but hassle.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Goodbye, Cruel World

3:12pm- Out of blue, receive email message from married co-worker/client that seems strangely suggestive. Having only met him twice for short period of time, do not understand why he would feel comfortable acting in such familiar way. Call another co-worker/friend over to desk to read email and confirm suspicions of creepiness. She concurs. Just then we look up and see perv lurking around corner. He comes running at me with butcher knife. "If I can't have you, nobody can."

5:02pm- Walking to bus stop after work, still frazzled by email incident. Pass young boy with clipboard. He starts walking towards me. "Ma'am?" Shake head and smile saying no thanks to whatever great offer he has available. He starts screaming at top of lungs. "Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch. Motherfucking bitch! You're nothing but a fucking bitch." Totally shocked, I stop dead in tracks. Anger wells up from deep inside, burning hotter than anything felt in long time. Literally cooked from inside. Boy continues to berate charred corpse.

5:24pm- Get on bus. People are being downright rude. Pushing. Swearing. Yelling. Even a blind woman isn’t spared shove or two. What is it with people today? Look around at all these angry, dejected faces. Give up hope for humanity. Have mental breakdown. Devoured like felled game on open plains of hot savannah.

6:01pm- Finally home, neighbor (ADULT neighbor) playing with remote control car right outside window. Car makes incessant buzzing noise like mosquito on steroids with bullhorn held directly to eardrum. Stick head in oven. I've had it, people.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Blog Anniversary Mayhem

11:11am- Pull up blog. Notice I have been dying tragically and publicly for exactly one year now. Body goes into shock when I realize my capacity to commit. And when I make pact with self to continue blogging, heart stops dead.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Dumb, Drunk & Disoriented

1:43am- Too many Jack and diets. Don’t…remember…no…cabs…get in stranger’s car…separated from boyfriend…ummm, not good.

4:14am- After harrowing ordeal unfolded over course of many hours, finally make way home only to find boyfriend still missing. Worries, angry and drunk, venture back out to save him. Never heard from again.

Other than that, pretty good day.