Sunday, February 26, 2006

We'll Name Him Zed

9:14am- Colon blow. Miscalculating intensity of constipation caused by Tylenol with Codeine, am forced to birth feces so large that anus unable to fully expand. While blood gushes down legs, stupidly try to flush toilet causing rather spectacular clog. Staunch blood flow, but die of embarrassment.

10:10am- While driving to Sears to buy toilet auger, blood loss overwhelms me. Pass out and hit guardrail. Am happy not to have to return to house to deal with clog. Poor boyfriend.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Day After

8:15am- Never wake up due to anesthesia settling in my lungs during sleep. Can it even do that?

10:12am- Stomach is swirling due to Tylenol with Codeine. Eat cracker to try and calm stomach. Saltine crispiness causes single stitch under tongue to pop. Die from shear disgust of feeling stitch pop.

10:15am- After many futile attempts to make self sick to put swirling stomach to rest, finally start hurling involuntarily into trash can while running to toilet. During sprint, trip over pajama pant leg and fall to ground. Drown in shallow puddle of own vomit.

1:15pm- Attempt another Saltine. Unwiseness of decision quickly apparent as lone stitch becomes even more disembodied from tongue. Am forced to give it tug while watching progress in mirror. Sudden wooziness pitches me forward in dead faint. Hit head on mirror which promptly shatters. Dealt final blow as chin connects with porcelain basin of sink.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Cat Got Your Tongue? No, it's a Tumor!

10:16am- Earthquake while exiting Octavia off ramp. Trapped in car under rubble. Wouldn't say "forced" to drink own urine, but it happened. Rescue crews nowhere to be found.

10:21am- Starvation. Due to impending tongue surgery, lack of food or water after midnight previous night causes me to waste away within hours.

12:22pm- While attempting to leave hospital bed one last time to pee before surgery, IV tears from hand creating 3 inch vein gash which spurts and splatters my blood around room. Nurses so fascinated by plasmic shower, they stand motionless as I bleed out.

1:00pm- Die on table. Anesthesia too much for body to handle.

1:02pm- Doctor cuts into tongue and nicks vein. Again with the bleeding.

1:03pm- Exposed to eboli virus in operating room. Previous to my surgery, room was used for highly classified government monkey experiment.

1:12pm- Lump in tongue discovered to be full of toxins. Doctor accidentally punctures sac, draining fluid into my throat. Acts as fast as venomous snakebite.

1:45pm- While coming to, disgruntled man-nurse injects lethal level of morphine into dripbag.

2:33pm- Forced to pee before allowed release from hospital, pass out in bathroom hitting head on toilet.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Open and Shut Case

12:01pm- Started car without first opening garage door. Overcome by carbon monoxide vapors before am able to reach clicker. Sadly death classified as suicide instead of bad timing.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Would You Like to Play a Game?

11:32am- Boyfriend leaves me waiting in car at gas station right in front of display of Blue Rhino propane tanks. Duck and cover tactic proves colossal failure.

4:48pm- Flung off Bay Bridge. Not sure how to explain, but for some reason lately I think every car next to me is swerving into my lane. While driving over Bay Bridge to recording session, feels like cars on both sides are initiating me in the deadly sport of Highway Spank Machine. Shot like pinball through rows and rows of cars until finally hit bridge barrier and game over for me.

5:05pm- Electrocuted by bass amp. Tried to plug and unplug cords without turning amp off first. Blood trickles out ears for hightened Rock Star effect.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Feat of Engineering Defeated

6:44pm- Crushed by Treasure Island. Or maybe it was Yuerba Buena Island. I don't know which is which. What I do know is that while driving across Bay Bridge weight of dirt above tunnel causes collapse. And here I always thought it'd be an earthquake while on bridge that would do me in.

11:15pm- Jumped again. Same place as last time. Walking to car after recording session in Berkeley. Really shouldn't park near sketchy liquor store. $3 toll fare once again snagged. Fuckers. Then on way home, I pass street cordoned off by police tape. I always thought Berkeley was a place for peace-loving hippies. If they're going to skimp on peace, I think it's only fair they lose their patchouli privileges.

11:16pm- Someone hiding in backseat of Miata. Ironically, Miata's don't have backseats. That's how tweaked this neighborhood makes me feel. Slit throat.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

You've Got to Suffer for Music

10:08pm- Jumped. Leaving recording session for my band's new array of genre-bending space ditties when two men jump me from behind. Confused, since I am technically in Berkeley, and not Oakland (I know this because there was organic Tea Tree Oil hand soap in the bathroom of the recording studio), I try to fight back. This incurs full wrath of jumpers who give me the ol' instant death neck twist. Following script, I slump to ground as they run off with the $3 I had in pocket for bridge toll.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Fine, I'll Just Take MUNI

8:55am- Shot by offended Hummer driver. After giving my typical thumb's down while passing arrogant Hummer driver (aka. "giving the Thumber"), loser shoots me in head.

8:56am- Not having seeked out adequate revenge, Hummer driver returns to run over my dainty Miata. Obviously, am no match for asininely-sized car.

9:01am- While waiting at light behind cement truck, it drops load into driver's seat of my convertible. I am caught unaware like the victims of Pompeii and Herculeneum. Uncommon (yet ethnically stereotypical) cause of death triggers search into my Italian father's background. In addition to the Life, Auto, and Homeowners insurance that he typcially sells, Face and Kneecap policies are also discovered. Who knew I was a Mafia princess?

9:03am- Run off road. No big drama, just typical big car vs. small car bullshit. When will those SUV owners learn how to talk and drive at the same time? And when will I learn to take public transportation more often?

9:05am- Even though I don't own a scooter, I find myself riding one down Embarcadero on my way to work. Trying to zig-zag through traffic, which I now believe my right due to diminuative size, am struck by non-signalling, impatient BMW driver. Fly up onto hood of car with only short amount of time to flip driver off before sliding off and being crushed by his premium-grade tires.

9:09am- While driving with top down on convertible, H&M scarf which has brought me many compliments in the past, flies back getting caught in wheel-well of car. Like Isadora Duncan, I am throttled as payment for my "live life to the fullest" attitude. That'll teach me.

Other than that, pretty good Valentine's day.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Goonies Never Die!

11:13am- Cart crash. While driving behind pick-up truck, landscape-tool-filled trailer being towed behind becomes separated crashing into rental car. Weed wacker comes flying through windshield and completes whacking job (of my head) quite nicely.

11:25am- Forest fire. While driving along highway 26 West to Astoria, Oregon to make pilgrimage to the town where one of my favorite childhood movies, "The Goonies," was shot, giant forest fire erupts (in February, no less), crosses the highway and scorches us beyond recognition. Thank god for dental records.

11:32am- Tsunami. After seeing sign after sign warning that me and boyfriend are driving through potential tsunami zone on the Oregon coast, the big one hits unexpectedly washing car far out to sea.

7:55pm- Airplane crash. On return home from truly wonderful trip, plane crashes upon landing. Seems planes aren't actually meant to fly in air. Only in movies.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Knock Knock, Who's There?

3:45am- Hotel room invasion. After finding a peculiar door in our room at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland, I discover that I have access to the room next door via a half-build and room-connecting kitchenette. I lock their door from my side so neighbor cannot sneak in to our room, but leave our door unlocked should I decide to embark on mid-night practical joke. Joke's on me, however, as somehow neighbors are able to unlock their door to sneak in and suffocate me in sleep.

2:15pm- Poisoning. After returning to the Doug Fir in anticipation of another delicious meal, boyfriend irritates prissy waiter with boatneck collared shirt by insisting on sitting at specific booth. Vengeful server accidentally laces my blackberry goat cheese salad with cyanide, leaving boyfriend's Croque Monsieur free of toxin.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, February 10, 2006

What if Planes Stopped Flying?

10:10am- Airplane crash. While flying to Portland, Oregon for fun weekend away, plane crashes soon after takeoff. Black box hints at pilot error, but investigations are inconclusive. Thereafter, all passengers must remove ear piercings (but not navel) before passing through security gate.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Wobbly Parking Decks = Scary

11:55pm- Washing delicate wine glasses from last night's birthday festivities. Scrub too zealously causing glass to shatter. Slice hands and many veins. Bleed out.

1:01pm- Choked on very delicious pea shoots at Burma Superstar.

2:26pm- While sitting in car at Potrero Center waiting for boyfriend to return from grocery shopping, concrete gives way beneath car. Car and I plummet to lower deck killing 4 others in the process. Boyfriend must take cab home.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Shockingly Good Hair Day

7:15pm- Electrocuted by dropping hair straightener in toilet and then foolishly grabbing for it. Had I survived, hair would have turned out looking great.

9:09pm- Heart attack while eating disappointingly tough kobe beef at Foreign Cinema. The movie playing was "Death in Venice." Close enough.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Choke Your Chicken

7:05am- While preparing Adkins-friendly breakfast, I tear large bite of dry chicken from carcass and shove it gluttonously into maw. Unable to produce enough saliva to swallow safely, I turn blue and choke to death.

3:15pm- Self-inflicted stab wound. Fell asleep at work station while holding sharpened pencil lead-side up. Head forcefully nodded downwards causing pencil to penetrate eye. Due to length, pencil also pierced brain. Instant death.

8:08pm- While preparing Adkins-friendly dinner, I tear large bite of dry chicken from carcass and shove it gluttonously into maw. Unable to produce enough saliva to swallow safely, I turn blue and choke to death. When will I learn to keep water nearby?

Other than that, pretty good day.