Friday, February 24, 2006

Cat Got Your Tongue? No, it's a Tumor!

10:16am- Earthquake while exiting Octavia off ramp. Trapped in car under rubble. Wouldn't say "forced" to drink own urine, but it happened. Rescue crews nowhere to be found.

10:21am- Starvation. Due to impending tongue surgery, lack of food or water after midnight previous night causes me to waste away within hours.

12:22pm- While attempting to leave hospital bed one last time to pee before surgery, IV tears from hand creating 3 inch vein gash which spurts and splatters my blood around room. Nurses so fascinated by plasmic shower, they stand motionless as I bleed out.

1:00pm- Die on table. Anesthesia too much for body to handle.

1:02pm- Doctor cuts into tongue and nicks vein. Again with the bleeding.

1:03pm- Exposed to eboli virus in operating room. Previous to my surgery, room was used for highly classified government monkey experiment.

1:12pm- Lump in tongue discovered to be full of toxins. Doctor accidentally punctures sac, draining fluid into my throat. Acts as fast as venomous snakebite.

1:45pm- While coming to, disgruntled man-nurse injects lethal level of morphine into dripbag.

2:33pm- Forced to pee before allowed release from hospital, pass out in bathroom hitting head on toilet.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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