8:15am- Never wake up due to anesthesia settling in my lungs during sleep. Can it even do that?
10:12am- Stomach is swirling due to Tylenol with Codeine. Eat cracker to try and calm stomach. Saltine crispiness causes single stitch under tongue to pop. Die from shear disgust of feeling stitch pop.
10:15am- After many futile attempts to make self sick to put swirling stomach to rest, finally start hurling involuntarily into trash can while running to toilet. During sprint, trip over pajama pant leg and fall to ground. Drown in shallow puddle of own vomit.
1:15pm- Attempt another Saltine. Unwiseness of decision quickly apparent as lone stitch becomes even more disembodied from tongue. Am forced to give it tug while watching progress in mirror. Sudden wooziness pitches me forward in dead faint. Hit head on mirror which promptly shatters. Dealt final blow as chin connects with porcelain basin of sink.
Other than that, pretty good day.