Monday, January 30, 2006

Baby Got a Fast Car

9:05am- Run of the mill car crash. Self-important SUV driver. My body, guts, and car parts strewn about I-280. Thankfully, phone call SUV driver was having before impact clarified whether or not best friend was a slut for having slept with guy from bar last night. Verdict: Innocent, Your Honor.

7:45pm- Spider fright. While driving, creepy spider crawls up near shift stick. Am able to flick it away using The Club. Aware that at any point, spider may return. As I turn onto Cesar Chavez downshifting to 2nd gear, spider does indeed return, skittering across my hand and causing me to perish from fear.

7:47pm- Crushed between two cars. While waiting to cross Cesar Chavez to get to band practice, fast-driving car swerves over and smacks parked car. The force creates a domino effect of parked cars smashing into the one in front of them. Unluckily, I am standing between my Miata and a Mini Cooper. The impact severs my body in half and I bleed out, coherent (at least momentarily) of my state of dismemberment.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Honey, I'm Home (For Good)

8:12am- Waiting for bus to leave while standing close to curb in order to cross street. Miscalculating clearance needed, bus drives off pulling flesh from entire front half of my body. Sound is similar to one heard when lifting slice of bologna out of plastic Oscar-Meyer container.

5:52pm- Trying to stuff MUNI pass back into messenger bag while walking down left hand side of escalator, I trip over BK drink cup and go careening down stairs. As final insult to injury, sadist escalator repairguy has previously replaced groove teeth with razorblades, slicing me to bits and smearing blood onto every step. Commuters repulsed.

7:10pm- Broken neck. Boyfriend comes home from work. In excitement to greet him at top of stairs with kiss, I push us both down staircase. He survives with what will turn into adorable scar above lip.

Monday, January 23, 2006

My Killer Revealed

8:24am- Attempted to cross busy highway while on crutches. Not sure I would have succeeded even at full running sprint as I can still be outrun by 67 year old mother.

5:12pm- Not dead yet, but will be in future. I walk past man I believe will be the one to murder me. Late teens. Pock-marked face. We catch each other's eye in park. Chills race up spine. Stay tuned for gruesome conclusion.

5:32pm- Crushing. Double-long bus going uphill tries to pull away from curb. Instead it tips over on me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Morning Commute Nightmare

9:03am- Pressurized WD-40 car bomb. While driving to work, can of liquid lubricant rattles unrestrained in trunk of Miata. For unknowable reasons, can bursts. Shock of noise causes me to swerve into chemical-toting truck igniting explosion seen for miles. Chunk of scalp found block away being sniffed by feral cat.

9:10am- Construction site mishap. While walking past future site of overpriced condos I will never afford, crane hoist falls on head.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

No Photos Allowed!

8:22am- Trampled. Waiting for the 9AX bus. Heard snarfling sounds coming from behind red fence. Assumed incorrectly that it was dog. Poached rhinoceros bursts through fence first impaling me with 2x4 before stepping full-weight on chest.

8:24am- Stabbed. Annoying neighbor drinking beer from paper bag approaches me to inquire about bus schedule. Tries to elevate conversation to romantic status, but I rebuff him. Pulls out switchblade, dances around like Jet or Shark (can't tell which), stabs me in neck.

8:42am- Stabbed (again!) while acting as good samaratin. Man gets up from seat on bus to allow woman and baby to sit. Pushes past teenage girl who unleashes furious fists on him for "touching her." She lands punch on man's face causing blood to pour from wound above left eye. His blood lands in dime-sized splotches on floor as I use cameraphone to snap incriminating photo of girl. She hears almost imperceptible camera click and sics knife-totting friend upon me. My pool of blood quickly engulfs man's now insignificant deposits.

6:15pm- Wiped out on slippery embankment on way home from bus stop. Covered head-to-toe in mud, was practically invisible to car speeding down Campbell as I crossed street. Direct hit caused me to fly up over windshield and land head first on pavement. Driver hopeful I was merely paralyzed until he saw gray matter seep out of skull and new I was goner.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Monday, January 16, 2006

There's a Tear in my Beer

10:12am- Coffee-induced heart attack. I never drink coffee, but now we have a coffeemaker in the house and boyfriend buys Coffee-mate creamer making any cup of tar taste like Easter candy. Expect not-so-distant-future post to describe partially hydrogenated soybean oil-induced heart attack.

4:40pm- Boyfriend throttles me with pretty skyblue and gold scarf I bought at H&M. Must be jealous of scarf.

6:20pm- Broken bottle bar fight stabbing. While waiting for friend from Ecuador to show up at Thee Parkside, am involuntarily exposed to country music and rockabilly crowd. One man insults another man's pant cuff width and guess who's caught in the middle?

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Multiple Blood Clots

1:15am- Aneurysm caused by blood clot. Formed while spending too much time trying to figure out how to add some poll code to my blog template.

1:46am- Electrocuted while trying to unplug Christmas tree lights before bed. Might have deserved this one considering how far past Christmas it is.

10am- Calcified lung tissue/asphyxiation. Restricted oxygen intake caused slow, painful death.

12:02pm- Another blood clot. Must restrict laptop use.

2:15pm- Blunt head trauma. Fell onto glass table while practicing walking in 6 inch stripper heels. Corner of table impacted with temple. Undiscovered for hours (luckily not days).

3:55pm- Road rage shooting. Murdered while waiting in double left turn lane on corner of Washington and Embarcadero. Foolishly looked in general direction of guy next to me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Beware of Cheese

7:30am- Heart attack/stroke combo. Chest pains. Numbness in right leg. Dull pressure in head.

9:07am- Crushed by FedEx truck while crossing Broadway and Front. Truck drove up over curb and toppled over. No time to run.

10:50am- Electrocuted while walking over metal grate made hot by unseen, downed live wire.

12:15pm- Choked to death on oversized glob of mozzerella cheese topping my French Onion soup at MacArthur Park. Swallowed without chewing properly. Half went down while other half blocked air passage. Failed to cough it all up before passing out.

5:06pm- Car crash. Attempted to merge across 3 lanes of highway traffic from I-280 to 101-S in order to make my exit. Failed to see SUV in blind spot. Flung off road like an ant off a picnic blanket.

11:19pm- Drive-by shooting victim. While sitting in house creating first blog entry, errant bullet from drug dealer's gun pierces side of house and strikes me down.

Other than that, pretty good day.