8:22am- Trampled. Waiting for the 9AX bus. Heard snarfling sounds coming from behind red fence. Assumed incorrectly that it was dog. Poached rhinoceros bursts through fence first impaling me with 2x4 before stepping full-weight on chest.
8:24am- Stabbed. Annoying neighbor drinking beer from paper bag approaches me to inquire about bus schedule. Tries to elevate conversation to romantic status, but I rebuff him. Pulls out switchblade, dances around like Jet or Shark (can't tell which), stabs me in neck.
8:42am- Stabbed (again!) while acting as good samaratin. Man gets up from seat on bus to allow woman and baby to sit. Pushes past teenage girl who unleashes furious fists on him for "touching her." She lands punch on man's face causing blood to pour from wound above left eye. His blood lands in dime-sized splotches on floor as I use cameraphone to snap incriminating photo of girl. She hears almost imperceptible camera click and sics knife-totting friend upon me. My pool of blood quickly engulfs man's now insignificant deposits.
6:15pm- Wiped out on slippery embankment on way home from bus stop. Covered head-to-toe in mud, was practically invisible to car speeding down Campbell as I crossed street. Direct hit caused me to fly up over windshield and land head first on pavement. Driver hopeful I was merely paralyzed until he saw gray matter seep out of skull and new I was goner.
Other than that, pretty good day.
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