Sunday, April 30, 2006

Don't Make Me Kill Your Children

2:16pm- Turbulence while landing at Heathrow Airport. Tail snaps off in crosswind.

3:44pm- Terminal full of parents not paying attention to screeching children while I attempt to snooze. Am forced to kill tots. Parents retaliate, although to be fair, if they didn't want dead kids, they should have thought of that before letting them scream incessantly. True?

4:31pm- Deep vein thrombosis. Collapse while waiting for "coach" (oh, the charming Brits and their "words") to take us to Terminal 4.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Up, Up, And Away To Heaven

7:02pm- First leg of flight to South Africa (via London) plane way too large to get airborne. Crash into roof of nearby hangar. 12 survivors. None of them me.

7:43pm- Thanks to person in front of me jerking seat in epileptic fashion during dinner service, spill hot tea on self and cute seatmate. Survive scalding, but while drying off pants in galley, pressure drops. Hit head on ceiling snapping neck like crisp Gherkin.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Smoldering Pile Of Wreckage

7:13am- Wake up with stomach in knots since purpose of top secret mission is to secure dream job at non-profit ad agency. Stomach knots constrict blood flow to extremities. Arms, legs, and head fall asleep in unison never to awake.

11:35am- Too nervous for breakfast, I sit in interviews devouring own stomach lining. Overeat.

1:19pm- Back on plane returning from top secret mission. After takeoff (having forgone medication), I use internal voice to praise self for not being afraid. Suddenly, plane banks right. My head pops up like prairie dog as I eagerly search out flight attendant to see if terror is etched across her face. It is. We go down.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Hollywood, Here I Come To Die

7:00pm- Top secret mission finds me on plane. It crashes.

10:04pm- Spend night at Cal Mar Hotel Suites. I think it is old apartment building turned motel. Activate heater, which groans to life and then spills out toxic amount of carbon monoxide.

11:43pm- Heater turns out to also be lair for carnivorous Ghoulies. In middle of night, they sneak out between vent slats and consume my skull contents. Luckily, they leave my best friend to slumber peacefully in other bed.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Something On My Mind

11:43am- Hear guy yelling at someone right outside window. Things like "does that hurt? I bet it does." Deciding to take risk of confronting someone simply having kinky public sex, I run outside to aid victim. Guy turns out to be teenage boy accosting teenage girlfriend. I crack him in nose. He drops to the ground. Girlfriend hits me over head with bottle of Jack Daniels. "I love him," she says. Then she slits my throat with broken bottle glass. Figures.

4:45pm- During extended recording session of new (as yet unnamed) Richard Bitch album, hand pulses with pain of playing riff after riff after agonizing riff. Halfway through "Sit in the Sun," hand turns gray and flumps to floor leaving severed wrist to spurt blood at bandmates like pubescent boy’s masturbatory ejaculate.

5:55pm- All weekend long I’ve had serious twitch in right eye. I look like I’m perpetually contemplating dastardly scheme. Concerned, I check mirror and see something squirming it’s way across lower lid. After excruciating amount of pain, a tiny maggot bursts from duct. Before I can vomit riotously, right side of head pulses outward and then explodes with a furry of tiny baby fly larvae.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

What A Crappy Birthday

3:02pm- At boyfriend’s father’s 82nd birthday party (where plumbing was readily available to all), a cousin curiously instructs her 3 year old son to go potty around the corner in a shrub. Misunderstanding the extent of his needs, we are all then subjected to deadly E. Coli virus.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Fricasseed Me

3:32am- Can’t sleep. Go into other room so as to not wake boyfriend. Set up futon. Still can't sleep. Toss. Turn. Move to floor. Noises bothering me. Put in earplugs. Jason from Friday the 13th franchise sneaks into room hovers axe above me and then lops off head. Now I can sleep forever.

4:51am- Start thinking about how we must use gas grill more often this summer. Imagine myself dealing with propane tank and it exploding in my face. Prophetically, tank explodes in real life catching house on fire. No escape.

7:44am- Discover reason for insomnia. Food poisoning from last night's dinner at 33 Crossing The Bar Restaurant & Lounge. Apparently they specialize in Indian French fusion with a touch of trichinosis. First clue should have been when I went to take last sip of chardonnay and bottom of glass looked like the crotch of my bathing suit after long day at the beach.

8:57am- Is Kaopectate supposed to taste like spoiled milk? Oh god, why didn't I check the expiration date first?

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Have A Seat

8:24am- The bus is a cruel place. It breeds hatred and fear and foul smells. Today after watching an older Chinese man get walloped good by a crack whore for stealing her intended seat, I go off like Michael Douglas in “Falling Down.” Half-way through rampage, I am bitten on neck by the crack whore whose rotted teeth cause me to contract untreatable blood infection.

9:01am- Walking down Pacific Ave. towards work I come upon 3 PG&E guys lifting a heavy metal cover from hole in sidewalk. Curious as to what they’ve discovered, I peer in and accidentally fall down hole. Not wanting to fill out gratuitous mounds of paperwork, men place cover back over hole and walk away while whistling and looking skyward. They never speak of incident again.

10:21pm- While enjoying Colbert Report and glass of Retsina with boyfriend, hear distinct rat-a-tat-tat of machine gun fire. Too nosy for my own good, I get up to look out window only to get sprayed in face with bullets.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Whole Lotta Shaking Going On

4:03am- Wake up appalingly early to head down to 1906 earthquake memorial celebration. Get layer of flesh caught in zipper of period costume. Pass out, impaled on parasol handle.

5:12am- Bow head for moment of silence commemorating those who died in 1906 Great Earthquake and Fire. Am pummeled by pile of bricks thrown from hi-rise buildings staged to make event seem more authentic.

5:13am- As fire engine sirens pierce the skies, Lotta’s Fountain makes to crumble atop the 12 remaining earthquake survivors. After having heard many stories of bravery from 100 years past, I lunge in front of fountain, catching full brunt of its destruction. At least these 100+ aged people will enjoy a few more years of life at my expense.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Thanks For The Memories

9:54pm- Blood clot forms thanks to multiple hours spend in front of computer loading every digital pic I have to Thanks to outdated computer, must clear photos and mp3s from hard drive in order to operate even most basic of programs.

10:01pm- Depression sets in realizing that when I die, (did not know it would be right at moment of these thoughts, incidentally) without anybody knowing my snapfish password, pics will be lost to digital abyss. Also, will never learn what the hell Tori Amos is ever actually singing. Sadness too much to bear.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stephen King's Christine?

9:55am- Boyfriend starts car before opening garage door. Carbon monoxide overwhelms us both quickly.

9:56am- Boyfriend opens garage door while I’m walking behind his parked car. Door opens revealing 2 giant rusty nails which deftly find their way into my eye sockets. Then car slips out of gear backing over and crushing me.

9:32pm- Finding myself too tired to perform Richard Bitch show at Hotel Utah, down giant cup of coffee. Unaccustomed to effects of caffeine, heart starts pounding wildly, palms sweat, hands shake. I get on stage and halfway through first song collapse on audience member wearing metal spikes on his leather jacket.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Don't Be Happy, Worry

8:13am- Shear and utter awe at list of amazing activities we’ll be partaking in during our upcoming trip to South Africa and Namibia causes me to become paranoid that I have an impending appointment with the grill of a MUNI bus. Start taking extreme caution whenever I find myself near oversized multipassenger vehicles. Then get hit by Vespa.

11:34am- Hear that Bausch & Lomb contact lens solution has been causing nasty eye fungus called Fusarium and nobody knows what’s causing it. My own contact lenses react by seizing upon my eyeballs, spewing out toxic waste in a long awaited execution of their plan to take over our planet.

7:16pm- Filling up gas tank at service station in my lovely neighborhood of Visitacion Valley. Catch eye of fellow patron at pump. Asks me what I’m looking at. Not satisfied with answer, I am slain.

7:23pm- I realize I have short man’s complex while driving. Due to the diminutive size of vehicle, I feel the need to drive with my thumb hovering over the honky button. Any perceived deviation into my lane warrants a beep. However, in this case, intuition was correct. Scion flicks me off 101-N. Ironically, was again on my way to Axum, my favorite Ethiopian restaurant in lower Haight.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Abstinence For All

8:50am- Driving into work on 280-N when police car starts swerving repeatedly across all lanes of traffic. Not understanding technique used to slow down drivers, attempt to gun it past cruiser. Am smashed into by shocked officer and flung over guardrail.

9:01am- Right outside of work am assaulted for 2nd day in a row by sight of two fully grown adults making out like 7th graders. Saliva glistens in sunlight. Hangs grope for protruding body parts. I projectile vomit until stomach lining is ruptured.

12:33pm- Walking through park enjoying first day of sunlight in what seems like years, am met by angry mob clustered in Spartan phalanx formation. Kung fu moves no match for spears, spikes, and short fantasy-inducing man skirts.

6:44pm- Convinced intolerable feminine itching due to latent STD from promiscuity in the 70s (even though I was born in ’74). Purchase generic cream purported to provide 3-day treatment. Bypass 1-day treatment option on principle due to oversized font on packaging reading VAGISTAT- VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL SUPPOSITORY. Am so embarrassed by purchase, try to disguise it by also buying a few links of chicken apple sausage and two cartons of blueberries. Perceived look of disgust from male bagger causes me to instantly melt into puddle on floor.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sugar and Spice and Not Much Nice

5:43pm- Ordered Fancy Saigon Cinnamon from Coastal Goods (as you’ll remember, purveyors of gourmet sea salts, etc.). So utterly delicious, am forced to put it on everything edible. After running out of food options I stick face in deep cinnamon-filled dish and inhale in one giant snarf. Ultra-fine dust coats lungs crippling ability to breathe.

6:12pm- On way down stairs to fulfil civic (and relationshipic) duty of trash disposal, trip on 2-inch foam-filled Hello Kitty slippers. Crash into wall, break neck. Boyfriend finds me at bottom of stairs strewn with refuse. Not unlike how he found me at end of our first date.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Sky Is Falling

1:33am- Here’s a warning to all you ladies, especially those who are beach-bound in near future. Do NOT come home after hard night of drinking and take sharp razor to bikini area. They had to bury me with a merkin.

7:30am- Wake up with sharp pain in both kidneys. Move over Cojo, there’s a new renal failure poster child in the house.

9:01am- Hear radio commercial for Survivor: The Ride at Paramount’s Great American. They call it the world’s first “reality coaster.” I swerve off road into telephone pole. On purpose.

9:02am- Bus stop poster for Pom pomegranate juice (The Antioxidant Superpower) says “cheat death” but since I’m in the industry, I like to do opposite of what advertising tells me.

9:04am- Drive by construction site where large metal banging machines make loud, startling noises. Every. Five. Seconds. Then one of them falls on me.

9:05am- Not wanting to forget aforementioned entries, I pull out diminutive golf pencil and used parking receipt to write down list while driving. Smash.

9:10am- Wind whipping so hard while driving down Embarcadero on way into work (refuse to take bus in bad weather anymore). Palm tree falls and crushes me. What’s with the crushing today?

10:02am- I think I have underestimated the power of earthquakes. In fact, I am quite certain I have.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Every Baby Is A Miracle

12:34pm- While attending friend’s baby shower at San Francisco Yacht Club (strangely located in Belvedere, CA), become instantly pregnant and go into labor. Heavy blood loss leads to hypovolemic shock. Should have trusted instinct to be Childfree by Choice.

8:47pm- Drive over to Oakland to see my oldest friend in the world perform her one-woman show, Saland & Friends. Getting out of car in front of Stork Club, shot in face.

9:15pm- Pain in chest. First and last sign of Mesothelioma lung cancer.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Worry While You Work

8:15am- Drown while waiting at bus stop for 9AX to take me to work. Seriously, if it hadn't already killed me, this rain would be making me want to die.

10:14am- Pants down around ankles in bathroom stall at work. Feel sudden sharp pain course up leg while peeing, causing urine stream to halt temporarily. Clot reaches brain before I have time to redress. Turns out, more embarrassing than someone at work hearing me use bathroom is having someone from work find me dead on floor in pool of my own waste.

5:03pm- Walking down handicap ramp on way out of office. Turn corner and run smack dab into 8 year old boy sprinting down sidewalk. Heart attack.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Cats: The Must Have Spring Accessory

9:15/10:15am- Spring forward without first looking in both directions.

12:16pm- See man in Balboa Park actually wearing a full-sized cat on his shoulder. Every time man walks past someone, cat looks over and meows frighteningly loud. When I pass, cat sucks all my breath from lungs.

6:33pm- Order Mozzarella Marinara at delicious Italian restaurant in
Little Italy. Pseudo-high class name hides fact that they're basically
Applebee's Mozz Sticks. Choke on cheese.

7:21pm- After entire weekend of nothing but overeating, gut bursts.
Rats and other tourists scavenge for good bits.

8:00pm- Gunned down at security check point for wearing Richard Bitch band T-shirt that features adorable bunny saying "I'm going to get Jesus to kill you." (shirts available for purchase if you want to be gunned down too!)

9:35pm- Plane crash.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Taking The Retard To The Zoo

10:43am- Visit world-famous San Diego Zoo. Not 10 minutes in, am dragged into gorilla cage and mauled in front of audience of rapt six year olds.

10:56am- While riding on top deck of double-decker zoo tram, am decapitated by stiff limb of exotic tropical plant.

11:16am- Fall from flimsy bucket car while riding zoo’s cleverly named, Skyfari (sponsored by Delta). Height is not so great as to kill me, but my advice is that landing in arms of cuddly polar bear is generally ill-advised.

12:15pm- Drink wine at restaurant in zoo. Feel so incredibly naughty. Am smote by God I don’t believe in.

3:15pm- Use electronic contraption one can only find in America (or maybe Japan) called The Ear Dryer. Step out into traffic with freshly dried inner ears. Fail to hear honking horns. Run over by taxi.

10:43pm- Bitchy girl at NuNu’s bar demands her friend’s seat back after smoke break. I get up to avoid further hassle, but this does not placate bitchy girl who keeps plying me with dirty looks. I walk away. Am beat to death by my own friends for being way too nice.

11:50pm- Whisked from NuNu’s to supposedly A-listy club called Confidential (my, how imaginative). Don’t have to wait in line because somehow I "know people" in San Diego. Go upstairs to overlook dance floor. Asked to leave by bouncer claiming people paid $350 to reserve our 3ft.x3ft square as VIP area. Laugh out loud. Two of the idiots who paid for space come up and start screaming in our faces to leave. I kill self just to not have to be part of assholic situation any longer.

Other than that, pretty good day.