Thursday, April 13, 2006

Abstinence For All

8:50am- Driving into work on 280-N when police car starts swerving repeatedly across all lanes of traffic. Not understanding technique used to slow down drivers, attempt to gun it past cruiser. Am smashed into by shocked officer and flung over guardrail.

9:01am- Right outside of work am assaulted for 2nd day in a row by sight of two fully grown adults making out like 7th graders. Saliva glistens in sunlight. Hangs grope for protruding body parts. I projectile vomit until stomach lining is ruptured.

12:33pm- Walking through park enjoying first day of sunlight in what seems like years, am met by angry mob clustered in Spartan phalanx formation. Kung fu moves no match for spears, spikes, and short fantasy-inducing man skirts.

6:44pm- Convinced intolerable feminine itching due to latent STD from promiscuity in the 70s (even though I was born in ’74). Purchase generic cream purported to provide 3-day treatment. Bypass 1-day treatment option on principle due to oversized font on packaging reading VAGISTAT- VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL SUPPOSITORY. Am so embarrassed by purchase, try to disguise it by also buying a few links of chicken apple sausage and two cartons of blueberries. Perceived look of disgust from male bagger causes me to instantly melt into puddle on floor.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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