Saturday, April 01, 2006

Taking The Retard To The Zoo

10:43am- Visit world-famous San Diego Zoo. Not 10 minutes in, am dragged into gorilla cage and mauled in front of audience of rapt six year olds.

10:56am- While riding on top deck of double-decker zoo tram, am decapitated by stiff limb of exotic tropical plant.

11:16am- Fall from flimsy bucket car while riding zoo’s cleverly named, Skyfari (sponsored by Delta). Height is not so great as to kill me, but my advice is that landing in arms of cuddly polar bear is generally ill-advised.

12:15pm- Drink wine at restaurant in zoo. Feel so incredibly naughty. Am smote by God I don’t believe in.

3:15pm- Use electronic contraption one can only find in America (or maybe Japan) called The Ear Dryer. Step out into traffic with freshly dried inner ears. Fail to hear honking horns. Run over by taxi.

10:43pm- Bitchy girl at NuNu’s bar demands her friend’s seat back after smoke break. I get up to avoid further hassle, but this does not placate bitchy girl who keeps plying me with dirty looks. I walk away. Am beat to death by my own friends for being way too nice.

11:50pm- Whisked from NuNu’s to supposedly A-listy club called Confidential (my, how imaginative). Don’t have to wait in line because somehow I "know people" in San Diego. Go upstairs to overlook dance floor. Asked to leave by bouncer claiming people paid $350 to reserve our 3ft.x3ft square as VIP area. Laugh out loud. Two of the idiots who paid for space come up and start screaming in our faces to leave. I kill self just to not have to be part of assholic situation any longer.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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