8:19am- Mele kalikimaka! Wake up. Open gifts. Friends’ son poops on floor. Looks like it’s another E.Coli Christmas.
3:12pm- Hike 20 minutes to get to secret beach. Halfway there body consumed by exhaustion. I thought this was a vacation.
3:22pm- Arrive at the most beautiful and secluded beach yet and meet up with friends’ friends from previous night. Wade out in the water. At dusk. While wearing a shiny watch. I hear all of these things are what they tell you not to do otherwise you attract sharks. “They” are right.
4:49pm- Flop down on beach to watch sun set while eating summer sausage and cheese on crackers. I feel a few bugs bite my back. Tell my friend I’m getting bit. She says, “yeah, me too.” But when I get up to gather more summer sausage she screams because my entire back is covered in splotchy red welts. Succumb to Jungle Fever.
5:21pm- Hiking back to car to escape ravenous beach-dwelling insects, spot a small collection of gravestones. With a view of the ocean shaded by palm trees, it’s the prettiest place to be dead. Decide to join them.
6:06pm- On way home, stop at drug store to buy antihistamine to lessen itch of bites. Store only has children’s brand, meaning I should take less because it’s concentrated. I misunderstand thinking it would be less potent if it’s for kids (what do I know about such things?) Chug ½ of bottle. OD.
Other than that, pretty good day.