Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Lesser-Known Malevolent Spirits of Aloha

7:10pm- Arrive at airport. Plan is to meet best friend at gate as she has flown in from LA so we can continue on together to Big Island. Spot her at gate. Start to run over to greet her. Trip over small child. Impaled on business man’s luggage handle.

8:19pm- Forgo food in favor of alcohol before boarding plane figuring 5 ½ hour flight will warrant at least complimentary ½ sandwich or snack-pack. Wrong! Am forced to purchase (with credit card no less—cash not accepted) tube of Pringles potato chips, a “food” I haven’t consumed since 5th grade. Trans fats surge right to aorta setting up thick, viscous camp which disallows blood to flow properly to heart.

9:45pm- Halfway over Pacific Ocean, plane breaks apart ala “Lost.” Once on the mysterious island, my plotline is not interesting enough to be featured on show. My character is merely panned over during group shots until I am captured by The Others. Nobody notices.

11:20pm- Land safely in Hilo, Hawai’i, but sadly am not lei’d upon disembarkation of plane. Try to find someone to complain to, but am ambushed by cannibalistic hula troupe.

11: 34pm- Greet old college friends and their baby. Get into car and drive up side of Kilauea volcano towards their house. Angered by my impertinence, Pele rains down shower of molten lava to thwart my ascent. Fried to Pringles-like crisp.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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