12:34pm- Meander over to the Kona side of island. On the way stop at Hana Hou Café, the most southern restaurant in the United States. Pre-order slice of Macadamia-Nut pie to ensure they don’t run out by time we’re ready for dessert. At end of meal, informed that regardless of our request, patron purchased whole pie, which happened to also be last pie. Throw fit. Am subdued by two local characters while waitress smothers face with only slightly-less-delicious coconut cream pie. Suffocate.
1:02pm- Stop off at Honaunau Place of Refuge National Park. Story goes, that if people who had committed crimes could get to this spot before fellow villagers got to them, they could not be prosecuted or more typically, killed. This old mare ain’t what she used to be. Don’t even get out of the starting blocks before I’m captured. My crime? Continued pouting over Mac-Nut pie.
1:49pm- All set to swim. Arrive at Two-Step, a top snorkeling spot on the Big Island. Step down two rocky steps into water only to find out that snorkeling is more difficult than I remember. Especially with deep water and waves crashing you back towards rocks. Finally get mask on, only to have it fog up immediately. Attacked by something, not sure what. But it was big.
1:59pm- Finally get hang of this whole underwater breathing business. Swim and splash around, fish-gazing, yet careful not to lose sight of friend guiding me. Spot sea turtle. Ecstatic, beeline in its direction to get closer look (but not too close, concerned hippies!) Friend points off to my right. I turn. It’s another turtle. Much closer. Much TOO close. I scream through snorkel tube. Upon inhale ingest perhaps 20 gallons of seawater. Drown.
5:12pm- Drink my first bowl of kava. Like marijuana, it causes mild paranoia at first. Of course this is exacerbated by my trio of friends not partaking, yet staring. Three sips in, assume I have overdosed. Assumptions prove prescient.
Other than that, pretty good day.