Sweetarts Hit Mostly Sour Notes

12:30pm- After last night’s cocktail of Xanax and wine, body goes into toxic shock. Worried that I have not stirred all morning, friends come in to room to check that I am still breathing. I am not.

1:48pm- Drive into the quaint little town of Hilo for lunch and acclimation. Stop off at farmer’s market and spot what I think are lychee nuts, but in fact I am told, are the ever more visually enticing and exotic rombutans. Buy bag-full and attempt to peel the first one. Fat squirming alien creature bursts forth, attaching itself viciously to neck. Inserts inch-long fangs into jugular. Guess I am the exotic fruit today.

2:33pm- Saunter into garden supply store so friend can purchase machete for husband as Christmas gift. As dear reader can imagine, salesperson’s overenthusiastic demonstration goes awry.

3:01pm- Friend exhibits her 10-month-old child’s potty-training method called Elimination Communication. It involves no diapers. Simply make hissing noise in child’s ear while holding them in pee-ready position in discreet location. Hissing noise causes me to pee own self. Unfortunately, am not in discreet location. Carted off to jail only to contract jungle rot from dampened underwear.

3:12pm- Take walk through beautiful, Japanese-inspired Lili'uokalani gardens overlooking Hilo Bay and Coconut Island. Gaze out past picture-perfect rainbow to see 5-story-tall wall of water surging towards shore. Damn you, tsunami!

4:19pm- Indulge upon dragon fruit ice cream. But what I thought was fruit is indeed adorable baby dragon. Mother of sacrificed delicacy swoops down from sky incinerating me on sight.

6:09pm- Meet up with friend’s husband as he and friends play lively game of ultimate Frisbee. All that running around causes me to have heart attack in their honor.

9:11pm- Grab drink at bar featuring the band, Sweetarts. Are all arrested for bringing baby into bar. This time in jail, am turned into bitch by what could be described as “overly-voluptuous” Samoan woman. Suffocated during lovemaking.

Other than that, pretty good day.