Obelisk Obscenity

11:32am- Boyfriend must drag me kicking and screaming from M.S. Eugenie. Don’t want to leave behind such a beautiful ship. Don’t want to leave behind the gun-toting tourist police with their adorable blue and white sailor costumes. And I certainly don’t want to leave behind my daiquiris. At last minute, escape boyfriend's grasp but the force sends me flying right into water. Hit head on bow and drown.

11:45am- New tour guide, Emad, picks us up and drives us to explore High Dam. Notice small stress fracture on side of dam wall. Grows bigger as I make run for it. Never was swift runner.

1:01pm- On way to Aswan, Emad then takes us to see Unfinished Obelisk. Make boyfriend pose so looks like obelisk is penis. He is not amused. I am, uproariously so. Suspicious, guard confiscates camera, sees picture and executes me on the spot.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Don’t Forget To Knock

10:10am- Time aboard M.S. Eugenie is almost coming to end and I am sad. Mostly because I have yet to use the ship’s Turkish bath, or even see it for that matter. Decide to remedy the situation. Find its location and bust open door revealing half-naked ship’s doctor. Embarrassed, fall backwards and hit head on door jam. Even doctor’s skillful hands cannot put cranium back together again.

12:30pm- Gorge self on delicious food. Perf stomach lining. Return to buffet line for more.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sailing Takes Me Away

9:14am- Sail on to the Tomb of Penout. Reconstructed in a new location after the High Dam was built to flood the Nile and create Lake Nasser. Everything transferred except the bodies. Tomb guardian informs me they are looking for new bodies and I am prime candidate.

7:30pm- Fancy dinner about M.S. Eugenie. Tonight is set menu featuring fish. Of course I don’t eat fish, so request alternate dish. The waiter says it will be no problem and it isn’t. That's just the kind of service they provide here. Regardless, end up chocking on giant piece of steak improperly chewed.

9:04pm- Go up to top deck to gaze at stars. The millions of twinkling lights appear to be falling down on top of me. And so they are. Sucked into black hole.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Hardships Of A Lake Nasser Cruise

4:44am- Wake up at ass-crack of dawn to see sunrise over Abu Simbel temples. In pitch blackness, am ushered into dinghy to be taken ashore. Unable to see, slip on dinghy bow and plunge into the drink where I am again eaten by crocodile-shaped bread loaf with toothpick teeth.

5:56am- Unspectacular sunrise diffuses rays through scattered cloud cover. Kick small pile of rocks in frustration. Rocks turn out to be family of scorpions even madder than me for being up this early.

12:34pm- Relax on boat. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax in cabin. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Relax on sundeck. Eat. Drink daiquiris. Fall asleep on sundeck. Sunstroke.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Complaints

11:39am- Board M.S. Eugenie for magical cruise across Lake Nasser. Check into room and walk out onto private balcony, slip and fall overboard.

7:41pm- Tinkling dinner bell rung to alert us that sumptuous feast is now available. Like Pavlov’s dog, hurry out of cabin letting nose guide me to the location. Once there I am awed by the selection of food, as well as the presentation. Mountains of fresh, colorful vegetables. Spits of roast meats. There are even loaves of bread shaped like crocodiles with toothpicks for teeth. These prove to be even more realistic than originally thought.

8:08pm- Boat docks so that we have view of lighted Abu Simbel temples while we eat. Die and go to heaven.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Abu Simbel Airport Carousel Hell

5:01am- Holy crap! First flight on Egypt Air. Haven’t even taken off yet and am already in trouble. As we taxi down runway, plane jostles from side to side with such force that entire overhead compartment is shaken loose. Crushed by my own carry-on bag.

8:33am- Land in Abu Simbel. Aside from Great Pyramids, this is structure I have most dreamed of seeing. Of course before we even collect our bags, cuff of my khaki pant leg gets caught up in the baggage carousel. Pulled back around through those creepy plastic flaps to what I have always feared lives on the other side of them: lions!

4:17pm- Finally make way over to temple after sleeping through most of day. Enter the Great Temple at Abu Simbel. For two minutes, am only visitor inside vast complex. Pretend I am pharaoh. Wave to subjects and walk around haughtily. Real pharaoh shows his displeasure by crushing me under granite column.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Shopping Hazardous To Health

2:44pm- After a pleasant morning spent bopping around Coptic Cairo (the Christian section), even visiting a cave under a church where the Virgin Mary and her son, the baby Jesus allegedly spent some time, find out that guided tour through the famously crazy-assed Khan el-Khalili market is no longer going to be guided. Thrust into the chaos alone with only wit and a camera, am immediately swallowed up by crowd and shat back out other side.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Artifact Attack

10:02am- The Cairo Museum, although filled with vast amounts of delightful treasures and mummies, is a complete madhouse! Try squeezing way in to see the various pieces encased in glass, but am thwarted by thick bands of Japanese and Italian tourists. Feeling huffy, I push past an old lady with perhaps a bit too much vigor. She turns and swats me in the head with bag filled with newly purchased alabaster vases. Blood splatters upon the deftly chiseled faces of bygone pharaohs.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Worship While You Walk

11:13am- Spend a delightful day around Islamic Cairo. Visit my first mosque and then my second and third. They are all beautiful and serene, but like churches, start to blend together after a while. The call to prayer is strange and exciting. Listening to it, I fall into a trance which leads me to believe (incorrectly) that I can cross a Cairene roadway without getting run over.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Pharaoh’s Curse

9:04am- Get my ticket to climb up into Great Pyramid and head towards the tiny hole acting as door. Halfway up steeply inclined walkway, bent over and wedged in with a hundred other tourists, I lose my footing. This causes a pandemonium within the tiny passageway. Kicked, punched, stepped on. Am finally trampled to death by German.

8:14pm- Dressed in same clothes I traveled in for two days thanks to baggage mishandling in Paris. Wear underwear inside out desperate for some semblance of cleanliness. All for naught. By end of day after being forced to use toilets lacking paper, have contracted lethal vaginal infection.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Little Bladder In Big City

7:17pm- Land in Cairo sans luggage. Decide I don’t need to stop in bathroom before being driven through city filled with massive traffic, donkey carts and speed bumps. Drive takes much much longer than anticipated. Septic shock.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Joke

I can't believe that it's already time for me to start dying in Egypt. For the next 5 weeks I will surely be ingesting Nile parasites and accidentally skewering myself on kabobs. Fear not, I shall keep detailed notes from the trip and will report back all the gory details in May. Until then, keep your fingers out of light sockets.

Until death do us part...