9:49am- Wake up in the city that never sleeps. Decide a breakfast of pistachio nut and white chocolate pancakes with a side of BBQ beef brisket from Shopsin’s General Store is the perfect way to start day. Am forced to endure conversation of self-consumed hipsters nearby. When one declares, “I’m not yet comfortable referring to myself as an artist,” chunk of brisket gets lodged fully in windpipe. Unfortunately for me, he is also not yet comfortable referring to himself as Heimlich maneuverer.
11:01am- Walk down to Ground Zero where I intend to feel properly somber and reflective. Am met instead by street hawkers offering faux designer sunglasses and handbags along with small photo books of 9/11 tragedy. Anger begins burbling down at my toes. It then courses up through body with intensifying speed until reaching top of head where it explodes out of me like a fat man from a circus canon.
12:33pm- Wait in line for Statue of Liberty tour. Flash back to days when ancestors perhaps stepped foot upon this very spot to make fresh start in new world. Imagine self as rejected immigrant, forced to return on boat from which I came. During journey am consumed by scurvy. To make matters worse, don’t even go on stupid Statue of Libery tour because of timing issues.
4:13pm- Not yet ready for more food, but feeling pressured to make most of time here, wait in line outside of John’s Pizzeria for what I’m told is best pizza in city. Don’t necessarily die and go to heaven, but maybe because I am agnostic.
5:47pm- Partake of nap from which I never awake.
Drunk o’clock pm- Go to following bars and random food establishments: Manitoba’s, Fish Bar, CBGBs (just outside though since it’s last weekend and sold out), Welcome to the Johnson’s, Bamn! Automat (try the mac-n-cheese kroket), The Library, Dumpling Man, Burp Castle, McSorley’s. At end of evening, barely able to see straight, step off curb to dance with magical yellow braying donkey. Or is that a speeding cab? *hic*
Other than that, pretty good day.