Richard M. Daley Welcomes Me

8:15am- Crossing Bay Bridge on way to Oakland Airport. Steel beam works its way loose just in time to fall upon me as I drive by. Work crew giggles like you would when seeing someone trip on sidewalk crack. Just cruel.

9:02am- Walk through security gate at airport. Set off beepers. Overzealous new guy determined to make example of me. Tackles me to ground, kicks me until blood burbles from mouth and then tasers me. Weak heart fails. Fellow passengers miffed at delay. As I drift from this world I hear a man mutter, "I'm gonna miss my flight to Boise!"

10:02am- You know it's coming...Plane crash. Pilot error. Damn those drunk pilots.

5:13pm- Land in Chicago safe and sound. Get on El excited to see Windy City like local. Ask nice woman for clarification that I am on right train. She smells tourist on me and therefore grabs luggage and slices throat in one fell swoop.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Lesson Learned: Take The Bus

9:11am- Driving 101-N to dentist appointment. Wheel slips out of hand thanks to previous application of wonderfully scented hand cream brought back from Cape Heritage Hotel in South Africa. Hit median strip. Head flies through windshield. Body stays behind.

10:30am- Teeth clean, feeling fine. Driving through Broadway tunnel on way to work, get sideswiped by Land Rover. Drive partially up curved wall and plummet top down to pavement below. Squish.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Shameful Secret Revealed

9:41am- Have to admit that every time I receive Williams-Sonoma catalogue, I long to get married. Those kitchen gadgets are just too pricey without a registry. My fellow feminists forced to sacrifice me to the Double-Sided Fritatta Pan Gods.

4:01pm- Spend most of gorgeous Saturday inside setting up new computer and updating blog. Blood clot.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Just Like Daniel-san

7:33pm- Find first grey hair ever while ironically fashioning pigtails for night out with boyfriend. Aging process accelerated like Ralph Macchio's in "The Three Wishes of Billy Grier."

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Living Dead Kill Me

8:30pm- Go with friends to watch cheesy Greek zombie movie at Roxie. Even with simplistic plot-line, uninspired dialogue, and horrible special effects, scared to death.

11:03pm- Attacked by homeless zombie pretending to clean windshield as I get into car.

11:05pm- Pull up to red light and another homeless zombie attacks. This time by smashing her fist through passenger-side window, grabbing my neck and devouring my flesh.

11:11pm- Fail to stay far enough behind Swearvy McDrunkerson driving down 101-S.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Yoga Isn't Good For Your Health

11:42am- Determined to get in shape together, boyfriend and I attend yoga class. Ridiculously difficult pose causes arm to snap. Bone penetrates skin and due to contorted position, is able to pierce heart.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Three Hun-Dred Six-ty-Five De-grees

8:12pm- While watching Deadwood Season 2 with boyfriend, see flash of light pulse across sky. Not living in area where lightening storms are frequent, must be nuclear bomb.

11:38pm- Drunk boyfriend decides to make pasta to stave off tomorrow’s hangover. Single ravioli fails to make it in pot. Instead catches fire on burner before igniting kitchen and then entire house.

11:45pm- Drunk boyfriend leaves gas stove on. Once again, house engulfed by flames.

Other than that, pretty good day.

The Most Dangerous Room In The House

8:12am- Mirrored tile falls off bathroom wall while I sit unsuspectingly below drying hair. Scalp sliced to pieces spurting copious amounts of blood. Thinking hair just taking extra long to dry, keep blow drying until I bleed out.

8:15am- Wet hands + blow dryer plug = fried me

Other than that, pretty good day.

Is There No Justice?

3:13pm- Sudden shock from seeing that JM J. Bullock, Too Close For Comfort's Monroe, is old now.

Other than that, pretty good day.