Friday, September 22, 2006

Chew On This

5:03pm- On way home from work walk passed woman wearing the checked pants and white coat typical of a chef in training. Woman is so obese, am accidentally engulfed into the folds of her pannus, where I promptly suffocate. My dying words of wisdom to her were this: Judging solely from your girth, perhaps a career in the culinary arts is one to be avoided.

5:24pm- I hate the bus. And I hate all who ride the bus. Due to new job, I now get one midway through route, so there are no seats and people are pushy and usually smell unclean. Today as I stand before an older woman shielding her eyes from the sun, I realize I have the power to block the rays for her with my shadow. Imperialistic feelings of power surge through me. I benevolently block the sun until she feels confident enough to take her hand away from her eyes and then I quickly lean to the right exposing her vulnerable corneas to the incandescent light. My reign is short-lived. Soon the townspeople of Busville revolt and I am decapitated, my head displayed on a spiked pole for all to see and pelt.

7:33pm- Boyfriend kindly picks up Thai food for dinner. As I dine on flavorful chicken satay, come across chewy, uncooked and highly offensive piece of poultry. Salmonella sets in quickly.

8:06pm- After all my obsession and pining for Crocodile Hunter, laugh at joke Norm MacDonald makes about his death on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The spirit of Steve Irwin abducts me. Am banished to pit of hellfire.

Other than that, pretty good day.


Greg Mills said...

I laughed a little bit when Steve Irwin died. To myself, so as the children would not hear.

How I Died Today said...

You officially make me sick! Of course I still love you though.

Greg Mills said...

The man died because he was grabbing an animal whose only thoughts are 1's and 0's. Is funny. I'm laughing even now: ha-ha!