Pork, The Other White Meat That Can Kill You

1:02pm- Plane crash.

2:59pm- Consume leftover, room-temperature pork mid-flight. Still delicious, even with trichinosis.

Other than that, pretty good day.

It's On My Mind, It's In My Mouth, It's Pork

3:12pm- Drive back to Raleigh. Get caught up in construction. Am staring at Mapquest directions while navigating orange barrels. Am still starting at Mapquest directions while striking orange barrels.

9:09pm- College friend and husband treat me to tantalizing BBQ smorgasboard. Drippy vinegary pulled pork. Crispity, crunchity fried chicken. Yummy, yummy hush puppies and french fries! All washed down with a stiff rum and coke. After meal, amble towards bathroom, trip over newborn daughter's pacifier. When I hit ground, stomach explodes like pinpricked balloon.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sit. Sit. Good Dog.

4:15pm- Drive up to Charlotte, NC. Meet up with Aunt and Uncle for 4 hour lunch. Deep vein thrombosis.

6:33pm- Visciously attacked by dog owned by Chi Omega Lil' Sis. Guess that's payback for all the hazing.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Myrtle Beach Sux

12:03pm- “Ick. Ack. Uck! Myrtle Beach is so foul and overpopulated and full of chain stores and soulless, nutritionless megarestaurants where the waitstaff are trained to upsell at all costs. This is NOT a vacation destination people! It is a humid cesspool that attracts unthinking land rats willing to accept the cliché of what a vacation destination should be.” – This was speech given during 2nd day of my Myrtle Beach stay. I was subsequently dismembered by said land rats.

7:05pm- Meet up with old friend from grad school, her husband and new baby. I question them about choice to live in Myrtle Beach and suffer same fate as I did this afternoon.

8:37pm- With every restaurant claiming hour and a half wait, spot sign outside of strip club offering “full menu.” Force boyfriend to go inside to inquire (doesn’t take much prodding). While waiting, another potential patron spots me in car and his guilt of going to club for reasons other than meal without an hour and a half wait causes him to stick me in neck with prison shiv.

8:41pm- Not impressed with strip club’s full-menu offerings of chicken tenders and jalapeno poppers, settle for 120-Item Chinese buffet (curiously advertising itself with photos of sushi). Order red wine which is served elegantly in a wine glass with a straw. A straw! Laugh so hard wine travels up straw, out nose and onto neighboring diner who promptly beats my snobby-too-good-for-Myrtle-Beach ass in.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Everybody Out Of The Pool

11:32am- Wake up ready to relax by pool first morning in Myrtle Beach. First stop off at hotel restaurant to order breaded broccoli and cheese appetizer (in my college days we called them Dyna-Bites!) Arteries clog after third bite. Heart stops after fourth.

12:02pm- Snake way through not inconsiderable crowd to find one vacant chair by pool. Gaze towards swimming hole and am disgusted to see nothing but people, people, and more people and a small shimmer of what I think is murky pool water. Climb down ladder and squeeze self between vacationing bodies into the people-temperatured water. Immune system attacked by germs so copious and determined that no amount of chlorine would suffice.

1:30pm- Am forced to endure 56-year-old, Hilton-employed DJ spinnin’ all the hits fit for the masses. The Macarena, Electric Slide, some fucking song about football, and lots and lots of country (and not the good kind). Slip down into pool water between fat Midwesterner and fat Southerner and drown self. Not discovered until 5pm when hotel’s buffet service begins.

3:13pm- Come back to room to discover room service ordered late the night before still sitting in front of door even though room has been cleaned. Bend over to get closer look at remains of chicken dinner. Inhale moldy spore.

8:42pm- Have dinner with boyfriend and boyfriend’s client. Boyfriend’s very nice super-Christian, conservative southern client who believes Walmart employees are happy with their low pay and lack of benefits because they’re always smiling when he shops there. Bite tongue. Bleed out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Pariah At The Piranha Exhibit

11:06am- Wake up and head over to place where eldest nephew is staying since he never came back night before after peeling out half-cocked. Knock on trailer door in area youngest nephew describes as “the total ghetto.” Kid who answers door is white, but wearing silver grill on his teeth and basketball t-shirt that goes down to knees. He mistakes me for narc and pops cap.

11:08am- Enter trailer and am introduced to another guy and 4 girls, two of which I find out later are only 14 but still spent whole night partying unsupervised. Am told oldest nephew is at store, so must remain in liquor-soaked trailer being stared at by girls overtly-hostile towards me. Youngest nephew tries to break ice by declaring, “she’s in a band.” Feel like oldest, uncoolest dork in world. One unfit to live.

11:32am- Oldest nephew in tow, head to aquarium to see pretty fish. Stick hand in supposedly hand-sticking-in-friendly tank, but pull back stump.

2:15pm- Head to beach. Go fishing off pier with nephews, using squid as bait. Look down at water and see school(?) of jellyfish floating by as well as man illegally fishing for shark. This recipe for disaster unfolds as such: nephew fake throws squid at me, I jump backwards, fall over railing, stung by unrelenting jellies, attacked by shark.

4:13pm- Driving to area community college to drop off nephew with grandmother before heading on to Myrtle Beach, SC, cut into lane of traffic in front of another macho pickup truck driver (this time hitch is ball-less). He sticks finger out window and pretends to shoot me to express his disapproval. Surprisingly, finger-gun is loaded.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Home, Sweet Murder Scene

11:03am- Drive to Middle-of-Nowhere, North Carolina to visit with nephews. On the way, get caught in fierce rainstorm. Swept off road by deluge.

4:24pm- Am greeted warmly by youngest nephew holding air rifle. Attempts to hug him hello sets off unfortunate chain of events. Actually, just one event: me getting shot.

4:25pm- Meet family dog, Rosie and assemblage of cats. Bend down to pet brood. Contract cat scratch fever.

4:26 (and 3:47)pm- Find out eldest nephew and his grandmother have argued causing nephew to drive off in fit, laying down impressive skid mark. Travel back in time to when he was laying it and get hit head on.

7:11pm- Go on walk with youngest nephew who points out many different animals in surrounding forest. Am ferociously attacked by pretty much all of them simultaneously. Well, except one benevolent squirrel.

7:32pm- Enjoy delicious meal of baked ziti. Soon after, develop case of explosive diarrhea. Dehydrate.

11:34pm- Graciously instructed to sleep alone in nephew’s grandmother’s room. As I drift off, her ex-husband busts in seeking revenge. Case of mistaken identity where the mistakee is impaled over 49 times with rusted hunting blade.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Do Your Balls Hang Low?

1:13pm- Another plane crash. Jesus, how many of these jumbo-sized, Insta-Kill® machines will I subject self to this year?

5:57pm- Arrive in Raleigh. Pick up rental car, merge onto highway. Immediately run off road by thick-necked driver of pickup truck sporting pair of dangling gold-plated testicles on back hitch.

6:04pm- Meet girlfriend’s cute new baby for first time. Imagine trying to give birth to something so large. Split open. Bleed out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Security Threat

10:37am- While riding airport shuttle guy hits me in head with cane. I clock him good and am ambushed by Friends of the Disabled.

11:32am- Video monitor not fully bolted to ceiling of bus and guess who is sitting right underneath?

12:46pm- Walking through security gate at Reno Airport. ID checker is overweight, white-haired jokester. He high-fives a small child and tells a woman in front of me to “keep that smile goin’.” I scowl on principle, which causes him to question my threat-level. To be sure, he tasers me. I drop to ground. Heart stopped.

12:47pm- Not yet through security gate, ID checker busts into vociferous rendition of “Simply The Best.” He pounds his ample feet upon the ground to mimic Tina Turner’s drum line. This causes floor to give way and we end up ensconced by rubble in the arrivals area.

2:42pm- Plane crash.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Going Down

3:55pm- Take uncharacteristic hike on Vikingsholm trail. Slip during gravely descent and tumble down right into Lake Tahoe where I promptly drown. Beautiful views.

8:58pm- Riding down in Horizon hotel elevator, car unexpectedly jerks to stop and then drops a foot or two. It holds a few seconds before plunging us 12 floors to our death. I try jumping up at last minute to offset speeding descent, but find out too late tactic is myth.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Woman Overboard

6:30pm- Board Tahoe Queen for spin around lake. Overindulge on spirits. Slip on deck. Fall over guardrail. Lost at sea.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Fast Food Leads To Quick Death

7:41pm- Stop at In-N-Out Burger for quick bite on way to Tahoe to attend boyfriend’s company summer party. Sit next to dorky family discussing finer points of “animal style.” Mother cannot comprehend differences and insists on inspecting son’s burger. Overcome with laughing fit, snort soda up nose. Drown.

Other than that, pretty good day.

First And Last Day Of Rest Of My Life

11:59pm- Attend my well-attended going away party. Drink too much. Get in fight with boyfriend. Wander off to spite him. Murdered by enterprising cab driver.

Other than that, pretty good day.

55378008 Is Funny Upside Down

10:02am- In a moment of “why didn’t I think of that idea?” order tank top from friend’s hilarious t-shirt company, Mothership. Shirt has illustration of calculator on it with numbers, which if turned it upside down would spell “boobless.” Upon receipt, try it on and am stricken with breast cancer and rushed to hospital for mastectomy. Post-op, am only boobless for short time before I am then lifeless.

11:15am- Unsure exactly of how to make coffee for best friend with boyfriend’s even-mongoloid-stricken-monkeys-could-use-it coffeemaker, cause copious amounts of water to spill out sides of machine. Quickly pull out plug and then seeing I needed to seal top, seal top and plug cord back into wall. Electrocution.

11:16am- Afraid of electrocution from wet coffeemaker, plug plug back into wall and then jerk hand back involuntarily due to fear. Hand hits oversized wine goblet drying in dish rack. Goblet flies through air, lands in sink, sprays glass shrapnel into face and neck. Severed jugular.

1:14pm- Inspired by impending travel writing workshop at Book Passage, decide I have to be less shy and engage more strangers. When odd German inquires as to what my calculator tank top says, I indulge him by declaring, “Boobless!” He says (staring at ample bosom), “but I thought boobless means not having boob.” I attempt to explain concept of irony, but before that can occur he whisks me back to his rent-by-the-week studio apartment, strangles me and then sautés my boobs with butter and onions.

6:06pm- Have panic attack on way home from dropping best friend off at airport. Drive on angled, curving overpass and feel as if falling. Not only feel as if falling, fall.

6:10pm- After having Googled their physical whereabouts, go out of way to grocery store solely to buy Steak-umms. Purchase 5 boxes. Would have bought more, but am ashamed as is. Deliciously thin pressed meats combined with mixture of Velveeta and mozzarella cheese cause massive Ken-Lay-style heart attack.

6:45pm- Continuing with plan to talk to more strangers so I will make exceptional travel writer, get in discussion with check out clerk and fellow shopper about how too much water can actually kill you. Naive check out clerk is surprised. Then when fellow shopper says, “yeah, and I just saw that extra-strength Tylenol can cause uh, something bad,” I chime in with, “…your liver to fail,” and drop dead instantly from damage done from last one taken weeks prior.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Take This Job And Shove It

9:02am- Not having quit anything since Red Lobster, swallow ½ Xanax and promptly head into boss’s office to turn in two weeks notice. Step one foot into office and racing heart bursts from chest spraying boss with blood and chest cavity projectiles.

Other than that, REALLY good day.

Opa, I'm On Fire!

12:03pm- Go to Greek restaurant and order Saganaki, or to the unfamiliar, yummy flaming cheese. Saturated with alcohol from weekend’s activities, I also catch on fire.

4:13pm- Take off from Chicago Midway, land 1,300 ft. later in cornfield. Sad to miss fireworks.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Hola, Successful Ex-Boyfriend

1:12pm- Meet up with old college boyfriend and his really cool wife. Choke on bolus of enchilada’d chicken at Uncle Julio's Hacienda while attempting to appear wholly composed and mature.

3:44pm- Contract girlfriend’s son’s conjunctivitis.

4:12pm- Take girlfriend’s son to park. He runs out into speeding traffic. I chase after and shove him back to sidewalk at last minute as obnoxious Hummer runs over my legs and then backs up to finish the job.

Other than that, pretty good day.

How's The Me?

12:34pm- Attend Taste of Chicago. Find out that Chicago mostly tastes like sweaty overweight artery-clogged pasty people with hint of Bratwurst. Unknowingly sporting dollop of ketchup on cheek, am mistaken for food stall offering and consumed by fellow Taster.

12:56pm- Watch crowd-pleasing group called Xtreme Dive Team. They climb up 4-story tall ladder and dive into what reminds me of childhood friend’s smallish outdoor wading pool. Am somehow chosen as audience volunteer. Disregard mother’s advice to never dive into unfamiliar pool headfirst.

3:01pm- Standing on top of John Hancock building. Venture out to observation deck. Reach hand towards screen and lose balance. Plummet to death.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Vroooooom!

10:04pm- Cab driver takes corner like racecar driver. Sadly, driver he was emulating was Dale Earnhardt.

11: 43pm- Got head bitten off at infamous Chicago landmark, Weiner Circle. Apparently mistaken for hot dog.

Other than that, pretty good day.