Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Death, Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

7:33am- Woke up with heart pain. Slow languid heart attack. Quite nice, actually.

7:35am- Tried turning around to get at tantalizing blackhead on shoulder blade. Forced to contort head so far that pressure caused both eyeballs to burst from sockets.

7:38am- Realized too late that toenail polish applied December 23rd of last year had eaten away at nail bed and resulting in nasty blood infection.

7:39am- Exposed moist bristles of toothbrush prove to be attractive landing place for multitudinous bathroom germs. Timeline from ingestion to death extremely short.

7:40am- Mysterious forearm bruise can only mean one thing, lymphoma.

7:41am- Push Q-tip too far into ear causing cochlear imbalance. Fall down stairs.

7:44am- Dry, flakey patch of skin on lower left leg can only mean one thing, skin cancer.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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