Flame-Broiled

6:16pm- While waiting to return toilet auger to Sears (don't fear, I bought two and was returning the one I didn't use), sign above customer service desk falls and crushes me.

6:32pm- After waiting in unusually long customer service line, get to front only to have representative tell me I must return tool in tool department. Although I found her to be exceptionally friendly to other customers during my wait, am forced to throttle her with auger. 5 years later after exhausting all appeals, am put to death by lethal injection. Her family members and two reporters look on.

8:39pm- While broiling very delicious-looking steak rubbed with sea salt and crushed peppercorns, flames from gas broiler catch steak grease on fire. Unaware in living room, flames consume kitchen and stairwell blocking my escape.

9:09pm- Steak-induced heart attack.

Other than that, pretty good day.