Saturday, March 11, 2006

Primer Is My Favorite Color

12:22pm- While helping friend paint living room, forget to open windows. Suffocate on paint fumes.

12:57pm- Fall from ladder.

12:58pm- Fall from ladder.

12:59pm- Fall from ladder.

1:01pm- Paint splatters in eye. Turn instantly dumb from lead. Go blind. Jump out 2nd story window like Helen Hunt after her use of Angel Dust in after-school special.

1:04pm- Fall from ladder.

5:15pm- Exhuasted from day of actual physical labor, fall into bed for nap. Wake up unable to move limbs. Starve to death before boyfriend can return from weekend in Seattle.

7:01pm- While shredding financial statements in much-cherished paper shredding device, fill basket too full. Motor screeches, refusing to turn off no matter which way I flip switch. Before I can unplug, shredder catches shreds on fire. Burned over 97% of body.

7:04pm- Beloved paper shredding machine exacts revenge on me by tearing off fingers. Pass out. Bleed out.

Other than that, pretty good day.

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