12:22pm- While helping friend paint living room, forget to open windows. Suffocate on paint fumes.
12:57pm- Fall from ladder.
12:58pm- Fall from ladder.
12:59pm- Fall from ladder.
1:01pm- Paint splatters in eye. Turn instantly dumb from lead. Go blind. Jump out 2nd story window like Helen Hunt after her use of Angel Dust in after-school special.
1:04pm- Fall from ladder.
5:15pm- Exhuasted from day of actual physical labor, fall into bed for nap. Wake up unable to move limbs. Starve to death before boyfriend can return from weekend in Seattle.
7:01pm- While shredding financial statements in much-cherished paper shredding device, fill basket too full. Motor screeches, refusing to turn off no matter which way I flip switch. Before I can unplug, shredder catches shreds on fire. Burned over 97% of body.
7:04pm- Beloved paper shredding machine exacts revenge on me by tearing off fingers. Pass out. Bleed out.
Other than that, pretty good day.