Duck And Cover

8:54am- Riding bus to work minding own business. Suddenly, woman starts clipping her nails. Jagged clippings fly through air like shrapnel. I'm hit! I'm hit!

Other than that, pretty good day.

You Saw My Blinker, Bitch

3:04pm- Pick boyfriend up from airport. Also pick up case of Mad Cow disease. Never kiss a carnivore just back from Britian without first having him brush his teeth.

6:56pm- Meeting friends for Carnivale celebration in Mission District, but parking spots in short supply. See spot and put on blinker. Other car pulls up and acts as if to steal spot. Am able to swoop in before them. Shot in face not 10 seconds later.

Other than that, pretty good day.

No Need To Be Alarmed

3am- Entire time in Africa was spent with my too-complicated-to-figure-out wristwatch alarm going off at strange times. Forget to read manual upon return and am awaked for 4 nights straight at 3am. Get annoyed at self for forgetting and decide self does not deserve to live.

9:13am- Discover co-worker leading secret life. First he throws hot tea in my face. Then he administers tiny papercuts with an interoffice mail envelope. And then he makes me sit at desk writing copy for Microsoft until brain swells to capacity. Luckily, I have too much training at this so I survive. He is forced to finish the job by suffocating me with leftover bagels from Bagel Monday.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Time To Make The Doughnuts

7:15am- Wake up to full-blown depression at being back and about to return to work. Refuse to leave bed and with boyfriend gone, no one is there to feed me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Home Again, Home Again Jiggety-Jig

8:16am- Boyfriend gallantly escorts me to airport via Tube, even carrying heaviest bags. Heart breaks at thought of leaving him and putting an end to such a fabulous trip. Then he says something to annoy me and I speed off towards security piquing curiosity of guard. Tackled to ground and knifed in kidney for good measure.

10:10am- Same old story: Plane takes off. Plane crashes.

3:15pm- Land in San Francisco with still most of day to unwind. Allow friend to drive me in my own car back to city so that I am not confused after 10 hour flight and 3 weeks of driving on opposite side of road. We start laughing about something or another and she swerves into oncoming traffic.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Queen For A Day

7:08am- Arrive in jolly old London eager to revisit in one day a city I spent 3 months exploring in college. In line for customs, am beaten by Bobby bored and angry he can't carry gun.

8:00am- Don't mind gap.

10:48am- Unable to check into hotel room, head for British Museum. Witness Viking battle reenactment. Caught unaware by misdirected mace.

10:59am- Stumble upon Rosetta Stone. Literally. Am crushed.

12:13pm- Boyfriend talks me into eating at McDonald's. Yes, this is same boyfriend who still will not purchase cell phone on principle. Shamed to death.

1:56pm- Take a ride on Eye of London. Able to see most of city from the oversized Ferris-wheel. Near top, capsule struck by distracted bird flying home with mouthful of worms. Startled, I hit emergency door and plummet down into garbage-fouled Thames. Am lost among refuse. Body never recovered.

3:44pm- Revisit bar where 10 years ago I foolishly took hit off of stranger's pipe-of-unknown-substances and fell to ground seizing. Reenact experience for boyfriend, but this time am not so good at regaining consciousness.

9:47pm- Interested in taking advantage of big city nightlife, head off for Brick Lane area. Have no idea how to get there from tube stop. Jumped by pretty much everyone who passes us for looking like such clueless tourists.

10:01pm- Finally find Brick Lane. Decide to eat at one of innumerable Bangladeshi restaurants. Food delicious, but slip into coma from eating too many poppadoms.

11:13pm- Shoes killing me.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sorry, Nelson Mandela

8:16am- Last chance to see Robben Island. Cape Town cold, windy, and rainy. Decide not to even bother checking if ferries are running. Am attacked by all the citizens of The Republic of South Africa simultaneously for intending to leave country without having seen number one reason for coming in first place. I don't fight back.

9:28am- Get in petty fight with boyfriend. Mope. Pout. Get hit by tour bus.

2:39pm- Eat at yummy tapas restaurant called Fork. Am so delighted with selections, keep eating until stomach expands beyond survivable distention.

11:12pm- Board plane bound for Heathrow. Mid-flight, plane diverted to Dakar by way of death spiral and crash.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Incident-Free Plane Ride!

2:12pm- Machine gun fire near strip mall back in Windhoek. Sprayed with bullets.

4:01pm- Immigration attendant annoyed I can't understand him saying, "You need to fill out a departure form." Shoots daggers from his eyes.

4:35pm- Overpowering scent of shit assaults me while waiting in airport lobby for departure. Watch old man scuffle away sheepishly. Contract Ebola through hyper-absorbent nasal membranes.

4:49pm- Run into Susanne and Axl, a fun German couple we met at Desert Kulala Lodge. Overhear that plane is delayed, so go to bar for drink. Suddenly realize bar has emptied out and plane has taken off without us. Apparently officials changed mind about plane delay. Turns out to be elaborate ruse in order to kidnap me to feed to gate attendant's pet lion.

9:39pm- Arrive back in Cape Town, South Africa. Miraculously, plane does not crash. But taxi driver does as we head for town.

10:04pm- Welcomed back at Cape Heritage like family. Upon entering room (upgraded to suite, no charge!) see rose petals strewn about. Before romantic interlude with boyfriend can ensue, slip on clump of petals, hitting head on oversized porcelain tub.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Absolutely Catty

11:12am- Drive from Etosha to Okonjima and the Africat Foundation uneventful until we miss turnoff and get rammed from behind pulling off road to turn around.

11:15am- Once inside entrance gate to Africat, still must drive over 15 kilometers. Road is unkempt and covered with thick red sand. Oversized pothole punctures gas tank. Hot desert sun bears down on sand. Sand acts as hyper-reflective magnifier causing smoldering and then combustion of dry twig. Twig ignites gasoline trail up into tank. Blows us to bits. Cats feast on our cooked flesh.

12:03pm- Sit down in lovely courtyard to enjoy sumptuous lunch at Okonjima Main Camp. As we eat, arthritic, ancient warthog ambles into view, takes piss right in front of us and then flops down in sand pit. Am so startled and amused, choke on oversized piece of roast chicken. Boyfriend unskilled in art of Heimlich maneuvering.

4:20pm- Hop into first authentic safari-vehicle of the trip to go on leopard tracking expedition. Miss 1st step of hop. Smack head good.

4:23pm- Guide bravely opens series of gates by getting out of vehicle so we can enter leopard sanctuary to begin adventure. As soon as we drive through, lion bounds out of brush and promptly tears head off. Guide confused as no lions have ever been released in this area.

5:10pm- Spot leopard. Am throttled by boyfriend for using bad pun.

7:32pm- Sit down to dinner with tableful of strangers. Meet fascinating German couple. Husband is cartographer and spends much time in Luxor, Egypt. Off to side, annoying English woman and her mum prattle on about nothing. Am forced to feign interest while boyfriend gets to pick brain of German. Force of feigning causes brain hemorrhage.

9:02pm- Scent of aged warthog relaxing in front of fire pit overwhelms senses, causing me to swoon face-first into delightful water feature on way back to room.

9:20pm- Walk through dark to sit in tiny open-faced building built to view game at night. Scraps from dinner are scattered about and then guide shines light on area as we wait. Giant porcupine comes to feast. I sneeze and quills are shot in my general direction. Porcupine quite accurate with aim.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Get Your Game On

6:02am- Stampeded by zebra.

8:18am- Charged by elephants.

8:22am- Spooked giraffe smashes through car window. Bludgeoned by flailing legs.

9:45am- Crushed by Wildebeest

11:59am- Pride of lions surround car and tear us to shreds.

12:32pm- Consume same buffet dinner (now lunch) and this time catch Hep E.

1:04pm- Springbok as well as gemsbok sprint in front of car causing crash.

1:05pm- Kudu takes page from the 'boks and also jumps in front of car.

5:00pm- Rare black rhino gets aggitated at watering hole and runs full speed at rock barrier. Surprisingly, smashes through effortlessly. Impaled by horn.

8:19pm- Consume same buffet for 3rd time. Die of boredom.

Other than that, pretty good day.

It's A Wild World

8:12am- As boyfriend mends in passenger seat, drive all the way to Etosha National Park. Road fatigue. Hit giant termite mound and discover that in addition to wood, termites also enjoy consuming human flesh.

9:02pm- Am in Game Heaven trying meat of every kind at buffet dinner served at Etosha's Okuakuejo camp restaurant. Afterwards come down with Legionnaire's disease. Funny, I'd expected Hepatitis E.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Prickly Situation

11:02am- Quickly check work email. Depression overwhelms.

11:42am- Impaled by recently purchased porcupine quills.

12:13pm- Eat lunch at Neopolitans on Mother's Day. Kids everywhere. Running. Screaming. Sucking on rib bones. Stick fork in own eye and wait for peaceful calm of death.

6:15pm- Boyfriend gets intensely sick from lunch. Attempt to nurse him back to health, but end up catching bug as well. Die lying together in bed like the scene of old couple in Titanic.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Full Of Hot Air

5:51am- Willingly crawl into Picnic Basket of Death otherwise known as hot air balloon. As we lift off, basket scrapes across ground as I'm sure it's done a million times before ensuring a now bone-thin bottom. Not 100 feet up, wicker gives way plunging me to ground.

6:02am- Terrified beyond reason as we soar over Namib desert watching sunrise, am convinced I will shit pants in presence of 7 other people,– only one of which is in love with me and possibly willing to overlook transgression. Before I am able to give bowels permission to humiliate, am overcome by butane fumes. Thank god.

6:04am- View is stunning and rational mind knows 80 year old ladies get off on this kind of thing, but really should have taken anxiety meds first. Straight-up heart attack.

6:43am- Thankfully back on terra firma enjoying champagne breakfast with comely pilot. To add razzle to experience, pilot opens champagne bottle with machete spraying me with alcohol-saturated shrapnel.

9:37am- Flip car over side of cliff while driving over mountain pass.

9:42am- Cramps CD comes shooting out of player at top speed. Weirdest thing I've ever seen, and also last as it severs head from neck.

11:34am- Hallucinate about lions feeding my entrails to boyfriend on silver platter during 5 hour monotonously gorgeous drive to seaside resort town of Swakopmund. Discover too late that I am not hallucinating.

7:34pm- Order Swakopmund River Asparagus, a regional specialty, as an appetizer. For dinner, my main meal comes accompanied by regular old asparagus from who knows where and certainly not a riverbed. Vegetables clash in my stomach until I am finally speared by single river stalk. Bleed out.

9:15pm- Swakopmund is strange, quirky town. Namibia having once been colony of Germany, it is spotless, manicured, and sadly, still segregated. Jumped outside of Fagan's bar by white guys for interacting with "wrong crowd."

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sand!

7:21am- Anxious to get full experience of Namib desert dunes area, decide to hike in 5 kilometers to Deadvlei and Soussosvlei. One kilometer in, fall prey to heat exhaustion.

9:08am- Break out sandwich which was not-so-lovingly prepared for me early in morning by Desert Kulala staff. Mysterious meat causes me to stop chewing as thoroughly as is usually preferred. Combination of heat, sand, oversized bolus, and the rationing of water creates perfect choking conditions.

9:45am- Reach Deadvlei and decide to climb dune to see beautiful vista of 500 year old tree stumps set against cumin-colored sand and the stark whiteness of a salt pan. No other visitors seem to be struggling with task. Finally, after obscene effort has been expended, reach ridge and promptly topple down other side where I am gored by picturesque stump.

10:34am- Triumphant and cocky from dune ascention, wander deliriously out into middle of who knows where. Boyfriend suggests one route back to civilization. I suggest other. I get my way, but turn out to be wrong. Vultures circle overhead.

11:12am- Finally make way back to road. Wait for vehicle to pass by in order to hitchhike. Only one 4x4 is anywhere to be seen. I stick thumb up to secure ride. Driver stick different finger up and peels off laughing. More vultures.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Who Wants A Num-Num Starchy?

9:48am- Driving 4 hours from Windhoek to Soussosvlei on gravel highway, hit brakes so as to catch better sight of baboon family crossing road. Car, as if on field of ball bearings, skids wildly before falling into ditch. Again, pride of lions is there to finish things off.

8:12pm- Check into beautiful (and highly recommended) Kulala Desert Lodge. Climb ladder on back of our thached hut to reach sleeping/star-gazing deck. Get splinter in hand. Unable to remove it with tweezers, blood poisoning soon sets in.

9:09pm- Dine in main area with other guests staying at lodge. Witness tour guide treating his clients like absolute babies. Immediately infantilized, but having not paid for his services, am left to fend for self in isolated desert to ill-fated results.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Look Before You Leap

12:13pm- Fall out of rotating gondola on way up to summit of Table Mountain.

3:49pm- Plane crash on way to Namibia. Ho hum.

5:40pm- Land in Windhoek, Namibia where they tell you NEVER drive at night because animals lie on roads for warmth. Walk outside to pick up rental car and find darkness quickly descending. Eyes dart back and forth as I drive. Eyes dart left as Hakuna-Matata-type warthog enters stage right. Crash! Am finished off by pride of lions.

5:45pm- Springbok scampers across road. Another crash.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Slip Slidding Away

9:04am- Plan to cage-dive with Great White sharks in Gansbaai, South Africa. Instead catch debilitating chest cold and die of pneumonia and disappointment.

4:01pm- Boyfriend leads me down steep stairs to restaurant set in cliff overlooking Atlantic Ocean. Still delirious from cold and medicine, trip over adorable resident puppy and plunge into icy sea.

4:09pm- Listen to short-sighted Floridian try to defend America and our oil dependency to group of local South Africans. Die of embarrassment.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Don't Be A Hater

11:05am- Drive along South Africa's stunning coastline. Dramatic scenery and winding roads prove to be too much of distraction.

12:12pm- Stop car to take photo of picturesque rock formation. Think I'm zooming camera in for closer shot, when actually am walking closer. Fall off cliff.

12:43pm- Famished. Drive into charming town called Betty's Bay. Happen upon Camelot Restaurant, a random Knights of the Roundtable-ish-themed establishment in middle of nowhere. Order time-period-divorcing schnitzel with cheese sauce. Boyfriend orders seafood pizza which looks like beach at low tide atop crust. Fat and happy from meal, fall asleep only to awake in dank dungeon where am bit by bubonic plague carrying rat.

7:17pm- Ready to relax from long day of driving, order drink at Zebra Crossing Bar and Restaurant in Hermanus. Not two sips in, witness 20-something asshole walk into bar nonchalantly wearing swastika on leather jacket. Smash bottle of wine over his head only to be jumped by his hate-fueled supporters, including bartender.

10:10pm- Ever stayed in hotel the night another guest has been killed? Once the murderer gets his prey, he comes after you.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Anybody Home?

2:55pm- Pull out of driveway from Vergenoegd Wine Estate in Stellenbosch, South Africa. View is blocked by truck driving in shoulder getting ready to turn. Step on gas. Hear a honk before crashed into by car driving 120km on country highway coming from direction we didn't expect.

10:14pm- Watching Deadwood, Season One in the living room of Beautiful South B&B. There is only one other guest and we haven't yet seen him. No one else is around. Suddenly, there he is. Hacked to death like horror-film victims.

11:30pm- Made cozy fire. Leave embers to die out as we retire to bed. Embers do not follow instructions and instead burn house down quickly thanks to thatched roof.

11:46pm- Body revolts to ingesting overabundance of Springbok.

11:59pm- Realize almost as old as boyfriend when he first met me 5 years ago. Fear of getting old too fast causes me to panic and take desperate measures to stop my accelerated aging.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Damn Rain!

9:05am- Go to Victoria & Albert Waterfront to catch ferry for Robben Island tour. Tour cancelled due to inclement weather. Determined to see prison where Nelson Mandela spent most of his incarcerated years, get on boat anyway. Drown.

10:44am- Shear. Total. Utter. Exhaustion. Dying of something African. I thought I had all my shots.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Sweat It Out

3:13am- Still can't get on regular sleep pattern. Die of some sort of sleep deprivation disease. See? I'm even too tired to figure out what it could be!

1:13pm- Thought I might die during township tour due to filth and disease, but instead gained deeper understanding. Then I walk into upscale store in downtown Cape Town and chandelier falls on head.

2:09pm- Suffocate in sauna at the Long St. Turkish Bath House while trying too hard to relax.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Watch Your Step

11:43am- Because of opposite traffic patterns in Cape Town, look both ways about 5 times before crossing any street. Still get hit.

2:02pm- Riding Hop-on/Hop-off tourist bus to see highlights of city quickly. Perky tour guide recites the phrase "District 6 residents forceably removed" repeatedly and in such a way as to suggest I may want extra sugar in my tea. This insults and irritates me so much, I hop-off bus immediately, forgetting it is double-decker and I am on top deck. Fall doesn't kill me, but oncoming traffic does.

4:21pm- Travel all the way to Africa to catch hypothermia I could have caught in San Francisco.

4:49pm- Spot what appears to be lost and confused model holding head shot looking upwards at buildings. Could he be on "go-see?" As he turns to look at me, am smelted by his grotesque beauty.

Other than that, pretty good day.

I'll Have What He's Having

6:02am- Legs and back paralyzed after being penned into airplane seat like succulent veal. Attempt to get out of bed to pee by rolling self side to side. Fall and crack skull on beautiful ebony side table.

11:32am- Wake up groggy and delirious. Malaria already? Yup.

2:15pm- Actually buy something at Woolworth's, meaning I am probably in time warp and now about 120 years old. Nobody lives that long.

7:12pm- During dinner at The African Cafe in Heritage Square, boyfriend's co-worker discusses a time he actually had deep vein thrombosis. Suddenly, I too am stricken. Slink away like wounded animal to die alone in restaurant bathroom.

Other than that, pretty good day.

Cape Town, I Barely Knew You

5:00am- Stupidly choose window seat for 10-hour overnight flight to Cape Town (dark of night basically rendering window's purpose useless). Body wracked with pain from being confined to such tight spaces for almost 20 hours now. Begin rotting from the inside. Limbs wither and I perish before landing. In me, the will to live is not so strong.

7:20am- Driving on opposite side of road for first time is total mind fuck. In fact, so much so, it's impossible to do it safely.

9:19am- Killed with kindness at Cape Heritage Hotel.

12:12pm- In effort to remain awake until acceptable time, visit Kirstenbosch Gardens. Touch stinging nettle plant. Poisonous stinging nettle plant.

12:15pm- Drink from random water fountain in park. Pick up some sort of African bacteria previously unknown to body.

12:56pm- Attacked by black and white polka-dotted, blue-faced pheasant-type bird thing.

2:02pm- Take drive down to Boulder's Beach to visit African jackass penguins. Lungs coated from inhaling too much guano.

3:15pm- Sleep during drive back to hotel. Jerk awake like one does in falling dream. This scares boyfriend into oncoming lane of traffic. Oops.

Other than that, pretty good day.